Remembering Job & singing AMEN

There is a moment in my day where I hear God's voice saying... "Daughter, please... " Please could be for a number of numerous topics depending on the day. For the last couple months we have been going through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. We've been doing his system for years... years... haphazardly and making progress but we certainly were not running with "gazelle intensity." This year though we are and whoa nelly the difference. Not just in our finances but our family and even marriage. Even the kids view our finances and when even your 5 year old holds you accountable to that little white cash envelope you know God really is leading you in the right direction.

With every step in God's will you know Satan is sitting there asking God, "Is it time yet to trip them up!? Come on please? They aren't going to hold true." I picture God just sitting back, looking down and smirking saying, "Oh really?! Remember Job? They've got this! I've equipped them and their eyes are on me. Good luck." It's funny cause over time you start to feel weary, you look up and God whispers one word... Job... it's like water to my soul. I start to snicker, put my head down like I'm a bull running for the matador and I'm running to prove a point. To stand taller and stronger on the other side of that red cape.

I was staring out the rain stained window a couple days ago and just replaying the last couple months and all that it's meant to my husband's profession due to weather and timing in the year. I was praying about the future and what that looks like and the thin path that awaits us for the next month or so. As I was staring out that window God literally spoke to me. He spoke to me so softly and calmly, just like the Father who wraps his hurting child into his arms with their favorite blanket for comfort, and said, "Daughter, why are you worrying about the business and money? Have I not always provided for you all and brought you through to the other side? Do you not see the numbers and that every need is provided for? Keep your eyes on me, keep putting me first in everything, and I will never let you down. This is just to make you guys stronger. I will provide." 

I literally wanted to cry.

I wanted to make my husband stop the car and cry and tell him all God had just spoken to me. He's weary too but he's strong and faithful. He's just exhausted. I pulled out my phone and typed the words into my notes so I would never forget the day, time, and moment. I was reminded yet again that he fills our storehouses for us well in advance if we just listen to his teachings ahead of time. Simple things as dentist visits and cleaning and out of pocket costs. Covering them with money out of pocket without really thinking/fearing where it will come from. He provides by moments of listening to setting it aside for your non-emergency section and months ago you had no idea why you would set it there.

God knew.

He always does.

His little smile to me today when my husband and I could say yes like we never ever have been able to before assured me that as long we keep walking as he asks us to every need is always going to be covered. Even when we least expect it. It gave me even more smirk and eyes narrowed in on flinging Satan out of the arena and standing victorious with God at the end of this test asking Satan yet again...

Remember Job? ....

Now.... Remember US too!

God was with Job and he is with us.

Now, our lives are no where near as "drastic" as Job but through it all Job stood firm and God is reminding us to stand as firm as Job. He did it. God equipped him. He will equip us. He will fill our cups to overflowing and restore our souls.

A couple weeks ago we had the privilege of attending the Rock & Worship Roadshow. One of the opening acts is a new rising Christian Artist that I seriously can not get enough of! I truly think God has us there to get their CD and to hear them live. To refill our souls but to bring that CD home because there is one song on there that I simply can not stop hitting repeat on. It's not one on the radio and it was not played at the concert. However, looking out that rain stained window a couple days ago this song was playing as God breathed his words onto me. It's words were exactly what my heart was crying out and I love how he blessed me with his reminders!!

I simply love this song and what it does to my soul. How it awakes me. How it raises my head and brings tears of living water to my eyes.

I'm remembering Job. I am remembering us, and I am remembering all of God's faithfulness and singing AMEN!


I Am They: Amen

 

I have no words to say
Don’t know what I should pray
God, I need You
God, I need You
Oh Lord, my faith is tired
And tears fill up my eyes
But I will trust You, I will trust You

Whatever comes my way
You have taught me to say

Amen, let Your kingdom come
Amen, let Your will be done
And through the rise and fall
You’re God above it all
Amen, we’re singing Amen

When I can barely stand
You strengthen me again
I will seek You, I will seek You
Though troubles may arise
My hands reach to the skies
I will praise You, I will praise You

Whatever comes my way
You have taught me to say

Amen, let Your kingdom come
Amen, let Your will be done
And through the rise and fall
You’re God above it all
Amen, we’re singing Amen
We’re singing Amen

From everlasting to everlasting
From everlasting to everlasting
From everlasting to everlasting
From everlasting to everlasting
Amen

Amen, let Your kingdom come
Amen, let Your will be done
And through the rise and fall
You’re God above it all
Amen, we’re singing Amen
We’re singing Amen

The whole truth & nothing but the truth?

I've been replaying a lot in my head lately and this morning God struck me with something I was taught last year. First, it was from my then women's group teachings and then by my mentor while processing a situation with her. Then God brought it up to me while I was trying to process through a change last summer. This morning he hit it to me again.

"When asking for godly counsel in your life are you forming the bits of details in such a way that you are leading them to answer in the manner you are looking for the answers OR are you giving all the full details in full disclosure no matter how the advice falls? Even if it means disappointment and not the path you were desperately hoping for?"

Does that even make sense?
It does in my head from the countless conversations and prayers of not wanting to present anything in a way to sway the conversation "my way" vs "God's way."
I hope it was clear.

Back when I was leading a women's study table he asked me to be on guard to be able to discern when problems were being presented to me on if the information was being presented in a swaying fashion.

Then last summer he asked me to be aware that I am not presenting information in a swaying manner.

This morning he asked me to again be on guard for possible swaying information. He asked me to seek discernment when receiving information and even more discernment in responding.

It sounds so much easier said than done I assure you. You think there are times you are being mindful and yet the screeching red lights flash and tell you to hold on to what you speak and hear and compute. I don't also stop, drop, and pray every time. I need to, and with God's little reminder this morning I felt he is warning to me be extra on guard and more mindful of what I am hearing coming in and what I am sending out.

I only want to his voice in moments where others may seek counsel, even when it's uncomfortable... but his voice always. This verse came to mind and I think I will be taping this up where I will see it easily to remember to seek discernment in every situation and conversation. Keeping his will and heart at the forefront when hearing and speaking in daily life.

What verses, if any, or ways does God share with you to be on guard in your conversations whether hearing or speaking? I'd love to hear.

31 days of What!?!?

"Oh I think I need to rethink this!!"

Can that really be my thoughts the first full day for us into this?! Oh but it is.

What am I talking about you might ask... Well, my husband and I have decided to join the 31 days of ZERO spending this month. Sadly, all day yesterday was a wash but we did sign our commitment paper and make our ground rules last night before bed. Still Jan. 1st does that count? So, this morning thoughts of what was NOT added to our ground rules is hitting me and ouch!!

I should not have been going through an activity guide of the surrounding cities and a local community center. Do you have any idea how many cool... CHEAP... yes, costs some money... activities are going on for the month of January that we would love for the kids to take part in!? Yea, me either until I have this signed commitment looming over my head. la sigh.

Oh... and OH... Do you know how many pictures I wanted to get printed for my 2013 Project Life catch up at Costco for pick up tomorrow too that I did not remember to add to our ground rules in the "we budgeted in for this" department. Ok, now the alligator tears are coming!

Well, make an exception you might say. "Oh how I want to"; I would say, but I can't. No, I won't. Because I am fearful that would lead to more blurred lines or penciled in exceptions that we did not remember to include in the first place throughout the rest of the month. Then that would defeat the purpose of the whole idea of it.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Although I guess this is part of the point, huh? An eye opener of all that we want to spend on/actually spend on. I truly just want to stop eating out and saying yes to every little whim. Activities for the kids and pictures though I view in a different category. Ones we should say yes to but don't because we always spend where we shouldn't beforehand leaving nothing for the latter. Does that make sense? Oh, but we did remember to include my nails continuing to be done. Dumb huh? When my husband received his promotion at the end of 2013 that was one thing he said he wanted me to do. Get my nails done and to keep it up. A little me time/spoiling that he's always wanted to provide. I asked him last night as we were writing up the rules if he wanted them taken off (since it is time to fill them, technically, but I would take them off for the sake of this.) He said no. That we already budget for them and we are trying to cut out the extra spending. So we added them to the what we are already accounting for. But we didn't add for pictures to be printed or activities that may come up for the kids.

Ok, I think this is an eye opening we have messed up priorities time. What do you think? Or maybe I am justifying it to "we haven't been able to ever consider many activities before because of one car and finances and now that both of those tables have turned those two categories have not learned to move to the front of the thought line."

Justifying, huh?

Ugh.

So, here is to 31 days of living well and being on a spending freeze unless survival needed. I should take the nails off huh? Ugh. The wording from the ground rules is killing me! I'm a thinkin' God has a huge stretching and growing for me (for us) this month. We have decided that we are going to do one of these once a quarter as we are feeling very lead to make huge changes to our finances this year.

It's going to be an interesting ride that's for sure.

Is God leading you to make some hard inward decisions this year? This month? This day?

Floundering and Seeking

This first week of summer break has proved to be very busy! I honestly can not believe it is Thursday already!!

I really feel like I am splashing around in the water looking for the surface for direction lately. Not such a bad thing just really can't wait for clear direction. I know though that right now it is just God leading me back to His Word. To spend more intimate time with him. Seeking His direction and making sure I am cleared out of the way. My summer Bible Study with my besties has solidified just that for me. Priscilla's words of exactly that reminder has resoluted in my heart so much. This is one from the second week we just finished. Seriously, this series is AMAZING!!! Go out and purchase it right away! It's awesome!



I think that is one reason I haven't been in this space of mine very much. Although I love this little spot of mine God has been seeking me with His Word, pen, and paper a lot more lately. I am not sure what that means he wants of this space yet. I am desperately seeking Him on that. I think he is molding my weakness and feeling unequipped to share anything on here and maybe shaping that for His strength to shine. I'm not sure. I am still here just seeking God in so many areas that sometimes it's hard to formulate the words to fill this white box that sits in front of me all the time like I desire to do.

I need to find the balance of "screen time" and family time. Worship time and pen to paper sit in silence time. Lots of stretching going on over here. Stretching to remove what no longer should be there and to fill in all the new God is filling me up with. The plus to all of this is that the stretching is good. My Pastor used the example a month ago or so that if a rubber band isn't stretched continually it will sit and get dry rotted and will break when stretched again. Growth and renewal comes from the stretching and that when God is stretching us (his rubber bands) it's to keep up pliable and like new. If that makes sense.

So, I guess you could say I am being stretched right now. It's a good kind of stretching and I am just savoring in every pull and tug. Working sore muscles and watching what is being taken out and what is being put in. I'm in wonderful hands.

Isn't that awesome to know that we are being stretched by the best!?

One More Round...

Wrestling With God.

That's what this weekend's Sermon was about. Just a perfectly timed message. What I loved about it was when our guest speaker mentioned that "wrestling with God isn't that we are wrestling with a person or situation. That our fight isn't with something, but that we are actually wrestling with God because he wants to teach us something and bless us." We talked about Jacob wrestling with God and how he went rounds all night and kept toe to toe. Instead of giving up he kept saying, "Bless me."

I need to ask God to do that so bad.

I am wrestling with God on a number of things, but instead of getting upset or thinking I need to be in control to get to where I need (or think I should be) I need to just wrestle and not lose focus on who I am wrestling with. I need to realize it isn't in vain. I am wrestling with God because he wants to teach me something good, bless me with invaluable information and growth, and that I will miss it if I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE A WAY OUT OF THE STRUGGLE MYSELF.

I need to remember the points that were mentioned. #1: There comes a time where at some point we have to wrestle with God alone. #2: It's in the wrestle with God that we receive revelation about our true identity and step away from the situation we are allowing to define us. The situation/person that we are allowing to identify us. #3: Once you wrestle with God you will forever be changed. Never to be the same again.

I want to keep such a hold on the wrestling match that God has to tell me to let go because it is daybreak but I do not want the wrestling to end until God blesses me out of it! Just like Jacob.

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." Genesis 32:24-26

I have to stop trying to wrestle free and start wrestling for the workout. For the blessing, learning, and growth. I have to stop wrestling and trying to get free so I can control the situation or person. All I am then doing is allowing lies to speak over me and define me.

"Because you haven't done..."

"Because you don't have..."

"Because you have failed here..." 

The lies continue if we wrestle to try and change those lies ourselves. If we remember that there is a reason we haven't done, don't have, and maybe failed in an area that maybe it's because we missed looking for the lesson and that God is wrestling with us for our good. OUR good. We may have stepped out to figure it out on our own, or that we were chasing the wrong dream and God is stopping the path because even though we think we are supposed to be one place he wants us to stay for OUR good. The wrestling never feels good, but there is a reason. A lesson. A blessing.

There are countless scenarios that the wrestling could be taking place and there is something everyone is wrestling with God with... I guess my point is that I need to remember to stop thinking I am wrestling with a situation/person and stop being frustrated at the rounds I keep feeling I enter the ring for.

I won't get knocked down.

I will keep going toe to toe and I will keep remembering that it's God I am wrestling with and when he wins... I win. 

The wrestle isn't going to leave me feeling like I'm failing. I win in so many ways by changing my view, my approach to who it really matters to and rest in the fact I am growing and learning from the Father. He loves me, and I am his child. He is teaching me and I want his blessing. What better trainer in the ring would you want?

I WILL NOT LET GO OF THE WRESTLE UNLESS HE BLESSES ME.

Even if the blessing is opposite of what I think it should be.

Because anything from God is a blessing... even more special when he shows his might that he is right and that keeping me where I am is for my own good. The growth that will come is going to be so beautiful and it'll shape/train me for the next wrestling match.

I'm ready to keep up the wrestling match. I will not waver and match God, seek God, and ask him to reveal to me what lies I am allowing to define me. I will seek his blessing and grow in all the training he is shaping me in.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

When I want the struggle to end and I want God to stop I need to remember there he is training and wrestling with me for my own good.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 

Artist: BarlowGirl
Title: One More Round
Album: How Can We Be Silent

Songtext:

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breathe
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring

I may be knocked down and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
I may be knocked down but not for the count

1,2,3,4
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling ya now I'm not going to lose it here

It's so hard to get above the floor again
But I now that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end

I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round ill just keep fighting one more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling ya now I am not going to lose it

I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
God is for me who can bring me down?

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting

One more round
You're messing me up but Oh, I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging one more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it here

Do I find my Value, Identity, and Purpose in the numbers?

Can I wallow for a moment?

Just be real and raw? 

I'm disappointed yet fully aware there is a huge lesson I am to be learning right now. 

I suppose I should back up a little. Here are the details. This moment in my life I know for a fact we are done having children. With that being said for the last 3 years I have been dying to lose all the weight I have kept on since the children were born. Most of the weight is from the first child. The rest... yea, poor eating is to blame. 

I have tried everything. I have always always always struggled with body/self image. Even battle anorexia for a time after high school. It's so scary easy for me to just not eat. Say I've eaten and know full well I haven't. Yet, since having a daughter it's been a huge cry of my heart that she not struggle. That she see me lose weight the right way. No pills. No magic shakes. No nothing but will power and hard work. (*Please I am in NOOOOO way bashing any of those methods it just not how God has laid on my heart to pursue this journey for myself.) With that being said God presented me with a journey I had been praying about last week. 

On Facebook a friend of mine back home has recently been losing a lot of weight. I finally broke down to message her to ask what she was doing. She went on to share with me that another friend of ours is now a personal trainer and is helping her track her macronutrients and that alone is helping her drop the weight. (30+ lbs in 13 weeks or so). I left the messaging just thinking this is exactly what I need. It's all with foods she normally eats too. 

Totally awesome right!? 

I didn't think our trainer friend remembered me, let alone how would I pay for his services, so I just prayed about what am I to do. At this same time my father is back home visiting with this trainers parents. I hadn't told my dad a single thing about what I had learned, but he found out from the trainer friend himself and got excited. He called me days after my message conversation all excited and telling me about what he learned. I chuckled to myself because I already knew all of this but it was so ironic to me and made me smile with his excitement. 

Then the bomb dropped.

He said the trainer friend was going to help him lose weight like my friend too. Great. I was truly happy for him but I won't lie I was devasestated. Although in fairness he didn't know I was interested. But then he kept talking. He went onto say that he told the trainer friend he'd love his services but only as a package deal if he would help his girls and his wife too. THAT'S ME! 

ME!!!

The giddiness came then. God had just answered my prayers!!! He literally just said, "I have heard your cries and here I am providing you a way to restore my temple and nothing for his services are out of your pocket!" Yep. Dad is paying him. I just have to purchase my food like normal and eat based off the numbers my trainer friend has given me. I've been blessed with his services for 12 weeks. 

12 WEEKS!!! 

How amazing is that!? 

So here I am. 

I officially started my meal plans on Sunday (24th). 

So why am I disappointed?

Because I haven't deviated a single time from the meal plan. Carefully measuring everything out to the second the scale says the right oz or g. Not testing how many extra can I put in before it turns to the next one. Very on time with the eat one of the 5 meals every 3 hours and so forth. Texts from sister who trades out a potato for a mini tootsie roll pop and my dad who can't find all his food items while he is out of town but keeps it under his calories, and here they are dropping bigger numbers than me. While yes they have more weight to lose I still don't think that matters. 

What am I doing wrong? 

I ask that and am thrown back to God blessed you with this you aren't failing. 

I've lost 4lbs since Sunday. Only 4. 

Yes, that is to celebrated but stacked against the sister who has lost 12 and a dad who has lost 7 it doesn't feel like much to celebrate. It's very defeating to me. I don't plan on giving up but I am flat out confused!!! Soooo confused. 

Truthfully it makes me want to go grab a slice of pizza and call it a day! 

Ugh. 

What gives!? 

While I was wallowing earlier over the whole thing I had a sliver of a thought come to mind. Monday night at Bible Study we were talking about our value, purpose, and identity in our new study, Undaunted. 

Ouch right!? 

I was hit with not only is this whole journey a huge gift from God but do I find my value, purpose, and identity in the numbers? Ugh, based on my struggle all my life... yes. Yes I do. Should I? Ugh... I know the answer should be no. Insert my foggy revelation. I am starting to think the reason I have the smallest number lost this week is because while my focus and thanks hasn't wavered from God, I've been secretly praying for great numbers. Thinking that will show value in the process. 

Ugh. This revelation and the numbers alone make me want to cry. Good and sad tears. Tears of DUH!!! And ugh why didn't I catch myself from the fall? It's sinking in that to really have this being about God like I have felt it is going to be since the day I found out it's going to be a huge working on me taking place at the same time. 

Mentally, Spiritually, and Physically. 

The ironicness (is that a word? It is today let's just go with it, K?) of Monday's Bible Study topic and the roller coaster of emotions I am feeling today is nothing sort of God asking me to keep my focus straight and learning what he wants me to learn in the process. That one of the main topics I .... ME... mentioned when the question came up in our study... 

"What are some of the things that people in our world ten to use to establish their sense of value, identity, and purpose in life? Why is it dangerous to base our worth on these sorts of things?" (Undaunted Study Guide page 15)

I threw out body image. Now that is hitting home hard.  Oh the lessons of the days of our lives huh? I'm a thinking this study is going to prove hand in hand with my weight loss journey and I wasn't even think.

So as I wrap up this crazy long whiny post my wallow is turning from sadness because of the numbers to wallow in the failing of not being stronger to stopping Satan from turning my self image away from where I was trying to keep its focus this week. 

Here is to being stronger and leaning on God and his reminder that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter what the numbers say, and that I will keep running this race he has gifted before me. 

Here is to next week.

Hebrews 12:11-13

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Praising in the ordinary...

The piles of laundry.

The soapy sink with dishes.

The umpteenth hot wheel car I've tripped over.

The silent tug of Satan playing on the area he knows I struggle in.

I'm learning more and more deeply how to praise God in the ordinary of my life. I was talking with a dear friend a few weeks ago and she mentioned she's reading a book (isn't it awesome she has time to do that? I wish I did heehee) about praising in the ordinary. To bring your heart and focus back to where it should be vs overwhelmed with the piles. Oh the piles. To turn the piles into praise time. A moment to pray over her kids as she picks up an article of their clothing. I love that! I have to be honest I haven't normally done that. Shameful huh!? I normally have the "ugh, I just want the laundry done, half of an ear listening for the fighting in the other room, kind of approach." God though has been tugging at my heart though to remember to praise him and pray over my kids in everything during my day. Over their food as I make their lunches... Literally everything. My friend left after our talk and I had this sense of you know the high "oh yeah this is going to be awesome. I'm totally doing this..." And bam a busted new sense of worth in the home out the window with the first kissed/ failed opportunity to do just that. You know the one... I'm going to approach the next situation with grace and love. Then the yelling happens and you ignore actual listening, and then mom of the year flies out the window. Yep, that's me. God though keeps being subtle with nudges cause every time I turn around this song is coming on, and I keep hearing, " you want better days at home... ones like I designed for you all along then do this..."



I've been reminded that my ministry field is not out and about or successful by how many I minister to, but in everything glorifying God as he has called me. Helping my children. Matching endless socks. Sweeping the floor which feels like always. Picking up after the dog even.

Oh I haven't shared him with y'all yet have I? I need too! It's a pretty cool story!

In it all I notice on the days I am keenly aware of my needing to talk to God all day I defeat the voices that are wanting to deter me from the path I am to be walking. Those are the days I feel I'm actually being productive. Successful and all around free.

Galatians 5:1 says, It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (NIV)

It hit me a couple weeks ago at Bible study when this verse was mentioned that by not praising God in my ordinary I am becoming a slave to my day. That isn't what he wants for us.

What we are doing really does matter. We need to be mindful to praise him in our ordinary because to him it's an extraordinary opportunity to be him in disguise in all we do.

Even matching the socks...

It's A Journey...

... But let me tell you I so want to reach the destination!!

In our house projects!

Spring is coming. It's been 4 months since we have moved into our first home. We are beyond itching to start the projects. We are busy trying to get our house projects envelope to catch up with our desire to start making the inside personal, but where to start!?

Oh the ideas let me tell you what!!

2 weeks ago we hogged Home Depot's Behr's paint selection machine and picked colors for every room for a good hour. No joke. It was so fun!The entryway, the school room, the whole house!! The first room we are going to paint will be our daughter's room. We already have same splotches up on the wall and we are pretty sure she has settled on a color. We just need to pick up which gallon finish we want and start taping off and moving everything out of the way. Painting her dresser, her bed, and walls are the first on the agenda.

Her walls top to bottom will be this color... White baseboards and a white chair rail are in her room already. 

Tree bark drawn in this color

Blossoms on the tree in this color

And her dresser and bed distressed in this color

But I want to start!! I am not a patient person. My husband isn't either which honestly presents lots of problems when we need to tell each other to slow down. It really doesn't look pretty when we each jump and we need one to be the reasonable one. It's a work in progress. Everyone we run into asks how is the house coming along and we smile and say good. Oh but we are itching decorate!!! We've never been able to really decorate and now we get to. We can't wait!

I was smacked the last couple weeks though that my dire desire to "personalize" right now, in this second, is my desire to receive as the world gives. A put together house and all that comes with that for some that get to move right into a new house and take it apart and put it perfectly back together in the short timeframe we have lived here. God told me he doesn't give as the world gives which made me realize maybe we aren't to start decorating just yet but when God says yes. He gave us this house, which we still sit in awe of daily, but we have to remember to sit in the moment he is teaching us through. The time will come we can accessorize and paint. It will be an awesome moment, but the lesson of it can't all happen in one full swing is going to be a hard lesson to learn because both my husband and I are wanting to do one room fully at one time. All of it. All the painting, all of the accents, and just a complete room all at once. God is teaching it won't happen that way. And that's okay. There will be a reward for the patience I know it, but it's going to be a hard lesson. And in the process I'm thankful I am at least allowed to log ideas into Evernote for when God says,"It is time."

Is there something you are longing for in full to happen yesterday but God is saying,"Just wait it's only going to be pieced together, and in MY time at that!" And you are wanting all the pieces to put it all together right now... in full... at once!?

You aren't alone but I can assure you that the reward of fully accomplishing the journey laid out in front of us will be amazing. Hitting all of the points God says to will be so rewarding in the end as we look at the finished masterpiece!!

I can't wait to see what the master decorator has in mind. I just need to keep my eyes from being envious of someone else's journey and love the journey I am on right now... individually. Respectfully as awesome as the next... just mine, and I know that God has me right where I am to be because there is a lesson to prosper me in this waiting... in the gathering of each piece... in his time... to finish each room. There is a reason I am to look at each individual piece and the journey it's taken to gather each one vs just slapping the full picture up at once and seeing it then. I wouldn't appreciate each room if that was the case. I know I wouldn't.

Strengthen My Hands, Lord!

It's 8:15am and my kids are still sleeping. Partly because it was a late night, but then again every Monday night is. Partly because they aren't feeling 100% and partly because I am enjoying the silence.

Is that bad?

Yea I thought so too. I promise I will wake them up in a minute. I just want to sit in the ahhhh of the moment first. Steam from my coffee rising and the slightest hint of the frost on the rooftops glistening in the sun out of my living room window. It's peaceful. The weather is about to change from amazing spring weather Sunday to a high of 48 tomorrow and then 70's a day later. Crazy weather we have here. I guess that is why I want to let the kids sleep to fight off the weather changing bug that hopefully will not plague them this year.

I sit here at a loss for words on over all God is doing. Last night though I had a big test.

Can I be transparent and say I failed miserably.

I missed a huge blessing in a journey and took someone down with me.
My husband.

Awful huh?

The best part is not only did I know I was doing it as it was happening, but God wanted to make sure I realized I didn't handle the situation his way through the video teaching part of last night's study. After I finally sealed my lips... fuming at the situation and at myself, too ashamed to actually be nice and admit that I was way wrong... God kept saying, "Things don't happen the same way twice" through the movie Narnia my kids were watching behind me. While the scene played out I knew it was meant for me in that moment. It also was loud that "he's got it!!" I need to shut my mouth and let him work. Story of my life I tell ya! You'd think I'd know better and not blow up at information that was just given to my husband not even 15 minutes before.

Trust has been a huge word for me in this Nehemiah study. It's my rock I need replaced in my own wall to make my wall more secure. Sturdy. This was one of those moments. "Do you trust me?" He asked. "Can I work or are you going to think you have it figured out better than I?"

Ouch right!?

I need to apologize to my husband. Via text won't cut it so I plan on using this time today until he is home to really chew more on God putting me in my place. All is fine with us it's just I handled a situation way out of line and I need to make it right. Instead of seeing this situation as either a.) God saying this could be the way I answer one of your prayers. Just sit and watch and pray for my hand in all of this. or b.) Praying for strengthened hands and prayers for those trying to pull us away from the task, I did exactly what my husband said... blew it way out of proportion. I didn't give time for either prayer to be said above and they go hand in hand either way.

I know I am missing something else key God spoke to me on the short drive from where we were to church. Ugh what is it!? I'm telling you what I need a tape recorder in my head so I can go back and fully remember key moments with God like that hours later.


I woke up this morning on such a high from Bible Study last night. This study on Nehemiah is rocking my world. Even in just fueling the fire for a servants heart. An unwavering heart to finish the task God has placed before me well. To pray during adversity with more fervor for strength but also for those that are trying to deter me.

A little backstory on where I am at in Nehemiah. The wall is complete at this point in the Scripture and the only thing left to do is secure the doors and gates into place. Nehemiah has been receiving invite after invite to meet with the enemy who is trying to lure him away from the wall for a number of reasons. Nehemiah though sticks to his guns and stays persistent that he is to finish the task the Lord has asked of him and not a moment sooner will he come down from his "post" if you will. He keeps receiving these letters saying now that he has to come hide in the temple because people are out to kill him. The problem is that if he went to hide out in the temple he would be sinning and discredit would come to his name. He does not what that at all. We pick up the story in Nehemiah 6:8-9 with Nehemiah's response to the warning.

⁸ I sent him this reply: “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.”

⁹ They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.”

But I prayed, “Now strengthen my hands.”

I need God to strengthen my hands over the adversity or even just to not waver on if this situation is to prosper us and not harm us. Nehemiah then goes to PRAY for the adversaries!! Trust me when I say that was the last thing I was thinking about doing last night, but that is exactly what God is asking me to do. Instead of untrust and thinking I know what is going to happen the second I hear of what could be coming... I need to hold tight to the process in which Nehemiah faced and handled similar "distraction" from the task at hand. Just the other day even I was advised to keep on with the keeping my eyes on Jesus. A.) By a friend and B.) in our sermon on Sunday. I don't want to be like Peter the second God asks me to step out of the boat to doubt (although I too have witnessed all these miracles and Only God stories that is first thing I think of most times... I can't walk on water are you kidding!?) and start to sink when God has called me to walk on top of the storm with him. He catches me every time I sink but just once I would like to be able to keep my eyes on him and deter them to walk with trust all the way to where he is asking me to meet him.

Matthew 14:27-31

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

²⁹ “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I know this situation was brought up to test my strength and trust. I feel that with everything. I also know this isn't it. I didn't do so hot this but I am learning in the journey and thankfully it is not about the destination. I pray that when the next one arises I handle it way better and pray before speaking...

"Lord, Now strengthen my hands."

I need to also hold tight to that the fear to instantly want to jump to the wrong conclusion does not come from God. 

2 Timothy 1:7

⁷ For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

The first reaction to fear is all Satan because we are were we are supposed to be fighting what God wants us to fight against so Satan is trying to deter us. The hits come harder when you are in the midst of the journey. I need to work on being better equipped to lean back on the Scripture to walk me through the valley before I just give in to the fear of whatever is coming. He is really working on training me up on my words for this year and my rock in my wall. Grateful for the lesson.

Strengthen my hands, Lord. Please!

I GET TO... follow Christ on this journey.

He's still at it. 

God. 

Blowing me away and just knocking me around with a 2x4. For the last 72+ hours it's been one hit after another. All good and worth it but a hit none the less. As usual I have sat to try and articulate the words to explain all that is going on and the words don't exist. Maybe I just need a new blog approach for a while. Heehee... Although since going through the book of Nehemiah maybe it is a good thing the words won't come because I can't give hint to all God is working on right now. Then again that would imply I have a hint of the bigger picture and I don't.

So I praise him. 

I thank him. 

I take each day as they come and know unswervingly that God is in control and no matter what takes place we will be more than fine.

We are still praying about the direction of our homeschooling curriculum for next year and what our next steps are to be as a family. The sun and SON are shining and I am grateful for the journey we are on. Even though I can't fully explain it.

It's a crazy wild ride when you aren't holding the steering wheel anticipating every turn or swirve. There are a ton of Scriptures God has be praying over right now. I can't wait to be able to share all God is stretching and growing me with. I'm thankful that in the stretching it is to take bad things out and to put good things back in.

Just in awe of the stretching and grateful God will never stretch me to my breaking point! WE GET TO say yes to the journey not we have to. Such freedom in that!!! And it's so not about the destination for us but the journey!!! How freeing is that as well!

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 

1 Peter 4:12 -13

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. 

Colossians 4:2

So that is where I have been. Please don't think I have been ignoring you but not responding to the comments just yet. It's been a quick publish from my cell phone with a grateful prayerful heart for your sweet comments. It's also been my heart has been so rooted in seeking what God has been laying on my heart that the words to fill this post space have escaped me in this process. Please know you all are being covered in prayer as well and are sorely missed.

Deeply Breathing In...

It's beginning to rain here. The oh so wonderful 3"+ we have been promised is coming our way. The ground is damp but not 25 miles away. I am thankful it is here. It smells fresh and rejuvenating. It's that moment when your soul feels the "ahhh" and all is right in the world. I sit here answering emails and thinking back on how awesome God is and how he brings the rain just when my soul needs it.

Then I read it.

Another bloggers exciting new journey... toward where my heart feels alive. Back towards where we left a little over a year ago. My heart get sad about the landscape that is left behind. I know I have mentioned it before.

My heart is in two places.
Here and there.

Not in the aspect of going back because I know we aren't to. Maybe ever. Only God knows but my heart and I are working on not feeling such longing for the landscape when I read about it other places. Reading about their upcoming adventure though brought to mind a movie we recently re-watched where the same situation was poised. It was asked of the main character, Angus Buchan... Yep, Faith Like Potatoes (ah-mazing movie if you haven't seen it! Go see it now... well, maybe not now, now... but you should see it... very soon!) Ok where was I? Oh yes, the question was poised to Angus about if he loved his homeland so much and was so proud of it why is he there in Africa? This following response speaks so loudly to exactly why we are happy with being here and still so in love with back there that I couldn't write it out better myself. (There are many more hard hitting lessons God has talked to us about for our lives through this story but this one hit home most recently. Every time we watch it God leads us through even more breakthrough for our lives. It's so awesome how he works!)



So, I guess I'm saying... I am a "White African"... that although I love, miss, and long for so much back home I couldn't be happier with exactly where God has us. Crazy how those two feelings fit together so perfectly when they are so polar opposite. I'm proud of where I have come from but God wants me here and I am proud to be here... exactly in His Will and place for our lives.

We are planting potatoes in our lives and expecting and knowing God will bless the crop... dry season or not... and preparing for the rain so we can harvest what he has asked us to plant. I know the harvest will be plentiful and we are staying strong, keeping the faith, in the crop God is leading us to plant. Even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, it'll grow. It'll be bountiful. Blooming and growing even when no one can see it under ground until it is time to harvest it.

So today (and tomorrow) I will enjoy the rain. Breath it deeply in. I will enjoy the cleansing of the soul it brings and relish on where we are at, even while thinking about what we left behind. Not in a bad way but a thankful for where behind has brought us to. I resolve to attack today with vigor and to soothe the ache for the landscape God called us away from by changing the background on the computer and look at that. Heehee... Whatever helps right? No, in all seriousness I'll attack the long for the landscape look by opening up all my windows here and soaking in every last bit of the scenery here. It'll be just as beautiful, in its own way.

In every moment...

Today I am reminded that God is in control. That injustice happens but that he knew it was coming. He has a plan and while bumps come or even a hill that he isn't away from the path. His will is working out and he is using this time to show to not be comfortable in what you are in. Feelings are hurt, yes, but in the bigger picture God has already been preparing us for this moment. Funny how moments like today bring me back to Sunday's sermon about saying yes. I asked him for moments to say, yes and to be willing. I am feeling today is leading to a "yes, we are willing" kind of moment.

The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”

Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.” 1 Samuel 3:10

Welcome Home

Today is back to reality. Our week long vacation back home is complete and bags still need to be unpacked.

While vacation is still fresh on my mind and we still have 2 glorious days left with no school on the books I am looking forward. There is a peace that came over us while we were back home. While we really want to move back we have the hugest sense of peace and comfort with where we are. We really miss all of our friends, that are more like family, we have realized what we miss the most was the scenery. In the big scheme of things not really what to be longing for huh? We are still in contact with the friends so the not "seeing" part is the scenery. That's what we miss. Does that make any sense at all? It's all jumbled in my head on how to explain too. Sorry. We had the pleasure of spending an entire day up in our old life. It literally felt as if we hadn't left. Of course that is outside of the showers of "WOW, the kids are so much taller!" "Oh I've missed you!" "Oh are you back!?" etc. We miss those faces but the love and support we felt from them spans the miles that separate us. The plus side... We get to spend forever together in Heaven so what's a few short years away?

Yep. Years.

In the past couple months God has been overwhelmingly awesome and loud that we will not be moving back home anytime soon. He solidified that for us 2 days after we were back there.  He has lead us to a step that keeps us on these southern grounds a little while longer. We had to share this news back home and while it was warmly received and supported you could see the sadness. Once they heard all God has done in this decision we were showered with the same love and prayers we had when God was so loud about moving us here. God is working and we got to go home and sing of his praises that he hasn't stopped. Such an honor.

We learned in our short time home that distance won't change the friendships. That while we long for mountains and greenery God is faithful and it doesn't matter where we are as long as we are who he wants us to be. The peace and soul refreshing moments follow when we are in his will. Location doesn't matter. The friendships we have there... eternal.

Flying back into "home"... this new state and soon to be new city...  it felt just that... home. The next couple years (or more, God only knows) of our family's memories are held on these streets. It's the first time ever in our 12 years together that we know without a doubt this is it. No continued longing or searching for where does God want us. This is it. This is where he wants us. Now, we plant more roots. Roots that don't have to do with a lease or a constant what are we doing in a year question. There is a lot of freedom in that. We are not sure God will ever move us back home. Home to the place we forced to move to in the first place may never be where he wants us again, but I am so grateful for the growth he allowed while we were there. Despite us taking over and making that move happen (because we wanted it and we turned it into God saying yes when he screamed no) he grew us and provided in ways we didn't deserve. The feel of this moment so different and so refreshing because there is no making it appear God is in this step. He is all over this step.

Do I still long or miss back home? I think I always will. It's where I met God. Like really met him. It's where he revealed to me I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible. It's where me was discovered. It will forever hold a special soft spot in my heart. The scenery... icing on the cake.

I look forward though with a sigh of relief.  We are taking God's steps. This is home now and the timing of going back home and realizing we are where we are supposed to be is uncanny and really only God. It was at (I feel) a crucial time for us. It was reassuring and greatly appreciated... all the little things God used to show us that yes we are exactly where he wants us was mind blowing this last week.

So, our new journey continues to take its next steps. It continues to grow our faith to limits we never imagined but are so grateful for. The views outside our windows has changed, our friendships haven't, and our faith only stronger. Being in God's will and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we are where we are supposed to be, truthfully the most free we have ever felt. God is so good. He is reassuring and as we look back at where we have been we look forward to where he is leading us too.

We are home.

We are following God's will for us no matter where we takes us and will sing about how healing that has been for us along the way.

Welcome Home.

He is blessing us despite ourselves

God ever been blessed despite yourself?

God is blowing my mind and faith right now in only a way he can. We royally messed up last weekend. Bad. We didn't trust God to provide something and we took it upon ourselves to decide a way. I mentioned some of it here. In the days since then God has blessed us in the form of 2 dear friends. One even though she knew about the other.

I am so blown away by God.

I am blown way by how even though we asked for forgiveness and we know that we have been forgiven God is still providing ways for us to make up for our mistake and then some. I don't understand why? We don't deserve it.

It's just hitting me... This is a prime example of God giving us his Son to die for our sins. We have blown it. Yet even though we have asked for forgiveness he sent Jesus to insure we were covered 110%. Our debt is paid and we are forgiven, and we have the glorious life abundantly because of it.

He saved us despite ourselves. Spiritually and for us in this moment... literally. We don't deserve what he is doing right now. We are so grateful and were so grateful for the lesson. For the growth. For the forgiveness. How to wrap our heads around it all? Even though we totally disobeyed and had so little to give like we should have had he is still blessing us.

Why am I sharing this? Because even though I've always known it and times in my life felt it, it's hitting harder again... God loves us no matter what we have done. No matter how we have disobeyed him... he forgives... he blesses... he loves! All of it. He cares about your heart and where the lesson brings you. Growing your faith. He will always do everything to show you he is still here for you no matter what you think.

I felt the whole time we have ruined everything. That what we did was unforgivable and irreversible. God has gone above and beyond to show me that isn't the case and that he still loves us. That his mercies are new everyday and that he is still and always will be right here with us. Leading the way of his will.

Lord, 

Thank you so much for your blessings even though we don't deserve them. The lesson, growth, humility, faith, and love you are teaching this heart of mine is something deeper than I ever imagined. Lord, I am so sorry for what we did. For disobeying you. I know you have forgiven us yet Lord you still set out to bless us. Above and beyond what we messed up. Lord, I don't fully understand why but I am grateful. You are amazing. You will forever be praised. Please Lord I ask please bless those who you have used to bless us 10 fold for their faithfulness to listen to you. I am overwhelmed, Lord. Thank you. From the wholeness of our hearts. Thank you. I feel we aren't worthy but even as I type those words I hear your voice reminding me I am an heir in your Kingdom. Thank you, Lord!

 In your most precious matchless name, Amen. 

Striving for Eager Hands

I just finished week 3 day 2 of the Bible Studies I mentioned two weeks. Today was about all the things love is and isn't. What it does and does not do. As well as how to be a Proverbs 31 woman who is eager.

Eager.

That is a hard word for me in the mundane of my day to day. I feel it's daunting sometimes. Overwhelming even.

What smacked me hard this morning was the 2nd verse of the day highlighted in the Good Morning Girls Proverbs study. Colossians 3:23. Not only just the words of this verse alone but the fact God keeps bringing it up to me. See, last year I felt God leading me to have this verse to be a staple for our homeschool. A staple in which when the days got hard and tears or attitudes met our schedules this was the verse to bring us the reality check. What God keeps reminding me of though is that I am not just to be the voice of reason, if you will, to my children during the days work but that he wants me to LIVE BY EXAMPLE. To have this verse smack me when MY attitude gets out of line over what the Lord has placed in my day. To vocally stop and say it to myself... "Who am I doing this for?"

Yes, the housework and mundane tasks that sometime stay at home moms feel plagued with are just that... mundane, but I know that when I stop and ask myself that question the task doesn't seem so bad.

I have been called to be a stay at home mom/wife. I have been called to homeschool. I have been called to be the keeper of missing socks and folded underwear. I lose sight of that sometimes and instead of eager hands for the task in which I have been called my hands become idle. They beg for someone else to pick up the load and take over. That isn't what God called of me though. I have noticed first hand that when my heart and mind are aligned with Him on the task at hand it actually moves quite quickly and not slow or painstaking as first thought.

I am resolving to not only be more in the mindset of who I am doing the work for, (yes, my family reaps the benefits of what God has called me to do, but I am not doing it for "man" but for God. I am serving my family with the servant's heart God has commanded me to have.) but to also be more vocal with reminding myself of the verse. To what I have been called to do.

Following Him and Serving Them.

My children... my family... need to hear and see me putting it into action and not just speaking it over them when their days are tough. If I can get a hold of this I think it's going to change my household.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. Colossians 3:23

Refreshed with God

So I have felt a pull lately through all this chaos to stifle Satan and his attempts to ruin peace and to see things closer to God. To dig into his Word more and get back to seeking him daily... deeper, personal, fuller. Back to when we were seeking direction and to not lose sight of his faithfulness now that we are here. I know that now we are here we need to seek him even more than before to hear his direction and why. His path and plan for us to disciple here.

If you are on Twitter at all and follow any handful of women you have probably seen the hashtags #hellomornings and #goodmorninggirls. I know I have. I have known about Good Morning Girls and had even printed off a study once, but sadly never got very far. I have to admit though Hello Mornings I knew nothing about.

I thought secret society I wish I had the "in" on. Shameful but true.

So yesterday I felt I needed to search it out. What is this Hello Mornings all about anyway? To my pleasant surprised it's a Bible study (which I had gathered via tweets), but what excited me was that a new session was starting... THAT day!! There was still time to join. I bookmarked it and said I'll come back to see what all the details are and register.

Satan really didn't want me to join... well, I have news for him... HAHAHA God won! It took all day and it wasn't until the kids were in bed that I did it, but I registered and that was all that mattered! I fought the urge of wanting to go back to sleep this morning after my husband left for work.

(Buying great new pillows doesn't help that urge by the way.)

And I went through 3 (2 via Hello Mornings and Proverbs 31 via Good Morning Girls) studies this morning. It felt FANTASTIC!!!

Just God, My Bible, The studies, coffee, and the glow of my computer screen.

Pure.Bliss.

I did Day 1 and 2 of all the studies today, as I missed doing Day 1 yesterday morning. It was great. I feel so refreshed and ready to tackle the day. My priorities in sync with God's and it's going to be a great day.

I love how it plays into the pulling on my heart that the Lord has been doing lately. So much seeing and listening he wants me to do. Gratefulness and thankfulness to be had. He has been pulling on my heart to get back into Snapshot and a Scripture as well.

The sight he brought my eyes through his creation and the Scripture he brought me to each week is one I reflect on all the time. I miss it. The fact I feel less inspired here is one reason I feel he is saying get back to it so hard. He wants me to see his beauty here too. To seek his Word for his words for the pictures again. So I'm going to be linking back up with Scripture and A Snapshot. I also though will be linking up with Brooke's One Beautiful Thing. With seeing the beauty and blessing God has been hitting me hard to count them as well. I have picked up the One Thousand Gifts book who knows how many times and I own it! But I haven't read it. Sad I know. I WILL READ IT SOON THOUGH!! :( I have felt huge tugs though to count. So that is exactly what I am going to do.

I am going to be more mindful of all the good and small everyday around me. All God is saying and leading to. All he is in control of and stop fretting over the details of how, when, or any other "me in control" word you can think of. 


I will be inspired here.

I will walk closer to God daily.

He will be how I start my day and end my day. Everything in between. I will rest and have peace he has control over our finances and future. Satan does not have a hold and will no longer win out here. God wrote out all these days before any came to be. I will be better at seeking and hearing him daily.

Starting my day with him. Satan will say "Oh man she's up!"

So my first gift...
#1 : God himself and his heart to want me so badly. 

God is working over here. In my heart, my family, my husband... everything. We feel him and sense his presence. It's stronger than it's ever been and we are so amped to see what he is working on. Seeking him daily and starting my day. I look forward to this journey God has me on and all he is going to reveal to me. Today in Day 1 and 2 of Good Morning Girls study of Proverbs 31 God laid on my heart to LISTEN and be VIGILANT to all around me.

I resolve to do just that!!!


Has God been pulling on your heartstrings about anything lately? I'd love it if you shared or joined the journey with me!