Do I find my Value, Identity, and Purpose in the numbers?

Can I wallow for a moment?

Just be real and raw? 

I'm disappointed yet fully aware there is a huge lesson I am to be learning right now. 

I suppose I should back up a little. Here are the details. This moment in my life I know for a fact we are done having children. With that being said for the last 3 years I have been dying to lose all the weight I have kept on since the children were born. Most of the weight is from the first child. The rest... yea, poor eating is to blame. 

I have tried everything. I have always always always struggled with body/self image. Even battle anorexia for a time after high school. It's so scary easy for me to just not eat. Say I've eaten and know full well I haven't. Yet, since having a daughter it's been a huge cry of my heart that she not struggle. That she see me lose weight the right way. No pills. No magic shakes. No nothing but will power and hard work. (*Please I am in NOOOOO way bashing any of those methods it just not how God has laid on my heart to pursue this journey for myself.) With that being said God presented me with a journey I had been praying about last week. 

On Facebook a friend of mine back home has recently been losing a lot of weight. I finally broke down to message her to ask what she was doing. She went on to share with me that another friend of ours is now a personal trainer and is helping her track her macronutrients and that alone is helping her drop the weight. (30+ lbs in 13 weeks or so). I left the messaging just thinking this is exactly what I need. It's all with foods she normally eats too. 

Totally awesome right!? 

I didn't think our trainer friend remembered me, let alone how would I pay for his services, so I just prayed about what am I to do. At this same time my father is back home visiting with this trainers parents. I hadn't told my dad a single thing about what I had learned, but he found out from the trainer friend himself and got excited. He called me days after my message conversation all excited and telling me about what he learned. I chuckled to myself because I already knew all of this but it was so ironic to me and made me smile with his excitement. 

Then the bomb dropped.

He said the trainer friend was going to help him lose weight like my friend too. Great. I was truly happy for him but I won't lie I was devasestated. Although in fairness he didn't know I was interested. But then he kept talking. He went onto say that he told the trainer friend he'd love his services but only as a package deal if he would help his girls and his wife too. THAT'S ME! 

ME!!!

The giddiness came then. God had just answered my prayers!!! He literally just said, "I have heard your cries and here I am providing you a way to restore my temple and nothing for his services are out of your pocket!" Yep. Dad is paying him. I just have to purchase my food like normal and eat based off the numbers my trainer friend has given me. I've been blessed with his services for 12 weeks. 

12 WEEKS!!! 

How amazing is that!? 

So here I am. 

I officially started my meal plans on Sunday (24th). 

So why am I disappointed?

Because I haven't deviated a single time from the meal plan. Carefully measuring everything out to the second the scale says the right oz or g. Not testing how many extra can I put in before it turns to the next one. Very on time with the eat one of the 5 meals every 3 hours and so forth. Texts from sister who trades out a potato for a mini tootsie roll pop and my dad who can't find all his food items while he is out of town but keeps it under his calories, and here they are dropping bigger numbers than me. While yes they have more weight to lose I still don't think that matters. 

What am I doing wrong? 

I ask that and am thrown back to God blessed you with this you aren't failing. 

I've lost 4lbs since Sunday. Only 4. 

Yes, that is to celebrated but stacked against the sister who has lost 12 and a dad who has lost 7 it doesn't feel like much to celebrate. It's very defeating to me. I don't plan on giving up but I am flat out confused!!! Soooo confused. 

Truthfully it makes me want to go grab a slice of pizza and call it a day! 

Ugh. 

What gives!? 

While I was wallowing earlier over the whole thing I had a sliver of a thought come to mind. Monday night at Bible Study we were talking about our value, purpose, and identity in our new study, Undaunted. 

Ouch right!? 

I was hit with not only is this whole journey a huge gift from God but do I find my value, purpose, and identity in the numbers? Ugh, based on my struggle all my life... yes. Yes I do. Should I? Ugh... I know the answer should be no. Insert my foggy revelation. I am starting to think the reason I have the smallest number lost this week is because while my focus and thanks hasn't wavered from God, I've been secretly praying for great numbers. Thinking that will show value in the process. 

Ugh. This revelation and the numbers alone make me want to cry. Good and sad tears. Tears of DUH!!! And ugh why didn't I catch myself from the fall? It's sinking in that to really have this being about God like I have felt it is going to be since the day I found out it's going to be a huge working on me taking place at the same time. 

Mentally, Spiritually, and Physically. 

The ironicness (is that a word? It is today let's just go with it, K?) of Monday's Bible Study topic and the roller coaster of emotions I am feeling today is nothing sort of God asking me to keep my focus straight and learning what he wants me to learn in the process. That one of the main topics I .... ME... mentioned when the question came up in our study... 

"What are some of the things that people in our world ten to use to establish their sense of value, identity, and purpose in life? Why is it dangerous to base our worth on these sorts of things?" (Undaunted Study Guide page 15)

I threw out body image. Now that is hitting home hard.  Oh the lessons of the days of our lives huh? I'm a thinking this study is going to prove hand in hand with my weight loss journey and I wasn't even think.

So as I wrap up this crazy long whiny post my wallow is turning from sadness because of the numbers to wallow in the failing of not being stronger to stopping Satan from turning my self image away from where I was trying to keep its focus this week. 

Here is to being stronger and leaning on God and his reminder that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter what the numbers say, and that I will keep running this race he has gifted before me. 

Here is to next week.

Hebrews 12:11-13

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.