Wash Over Me

I don't know about you but God has placed a way to seek Him on my heart. It's a seeking that Scripture and a Snapshot craves. I see a picture He has had me take and he pours a couple words into my heart and then asks me to research them. Maybe a Bible verse or a song. The kind of digging that He wants to speak into my heart and teach and mold me with. 

The last couple of days God has been leading a lyric here, a lyric there, a phrase here, a phrase there to pop up all around me. This morning he placed a picture on my heart with it altogether.

(Photo of a part of Gorman Falls in Texas. The falls flow into the Colorado River)

Do you see it? The rock formation that looks like a man sitting there thinking? With his hand under his chin?

Pretty cool, huh?

This week God has been reminding my soul that He is washing over me during this time of waiting we've been doing. He is making me "stronger" through this time. Strong like this rock, and while the water chips away rock as it flows consistently over it like this; those chipped away parts are parts of my life God says I don't need to keep on me anymore. 

I started looking for Bible verses that talk about washing over me and I love how the different translations formulate the same verse... 

Psalm 42:7

New International Version

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

New Living Translation

I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

English Standard Version

Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.

NET Bible

One deep stream calls out to another at the sound of your waterfalls; all your billows and waves overwhelm me. 

He's roaring over me! Not only are His waters washing away the parts of me that He is refining but the roaring of the waves are also washing away the parts of the world that are trying to attack me. A beautiful picture of Him protecting and shaping us. 

A great visualization of this picture came to me as well of how our foundations are built on The Rock. That it keeps us "Stronger" and able to weather the roaring waves that wash over us from time to time. 

(Lyrics from Mandisa's "Stronger")

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger

(Lyrics from Unspoken's "Lift My Life Up")

If peace is a river then let it sweep over me
If I'm under fire I know it's refining me
When I hear You calling out I follow now wherever the road may go
I know You're leading me home

(Lyrics from Hawk Nelson's "Diamonds" ... and you could change the word 'fire' to 'water' for the sake of this example)

Here and now I'm in the fire, 
In above my head
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Being held under the pressure, 
Don't know what'll be left
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
But it's here in the ashes
I'm finding treasure

He's making diamonds, diamonds
Making diamonds out of dust
He is refining in his timing 
He's making diamonds out of us

I'll surrender to the power
Of being crushed by love
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Till the beauty that was hidden
Isn't covered up
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Oh it's not what I hoped for
It's something much better

(Lyrics from Lauren Daigle's "Trust In You") 

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

So let me offer you some encouragement today. If you feel like you are drowning His washing is refining and making you stronger! So even when you feel like your head is under water and there doesn't seem to an end in sight know that he is cleansing you, shaping you, and shielding you. In His time He will clear the water from your eyes and you will see all He was doing. The beauty of it all. 

Enjoy the water washing over you! 

Enough

What comes to mind when you hear that word?

I have so many different variables of that word that run through my head right now. It's a word that seems to be on repeat lately that God is really asking me to look at. Let's see if any of these resonate with you as well...

ENOUGH!!!! 

(A tantrum with stomping feet and a scream at the time of your lungs...) 

Enough... 

(I have enough or you don't have enough...)

YOU are Enough...

(you feel accepted by...)

Webster's dictionary defines it like this...
Simple definition: Equal to what is needed
Full definiton: occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or exceptions

Over the last 8 months this words seems to grow in size for me on all ends of the spectrum listed above and each time I feel like I am drowning in one or all of them God brings me back to dry ground with questions of... 

Where is my heart? What am I worshipping? Where is my focus? 

Have I made a "not enough" of one of these areas BIGGER than Him? Have I started to become an idolator of one or more things than of God and my time with him? 

The hard truth of it all is... yes, yes I have. 

I have cried and screamed and yelled that the load is too much. This isn't fair. Why can't I be enough for... Fill in all of the blanks and I'm sure you won't have any trouble guessing all of the above. Why do we do these things? Why is it that it is so easy for us to slip the blinders on and become of the world without intentionally meaning to? Is it because when all is going good we put different blinders on and when the road is hard and those blinders fog up we freak out. 

Where's the road? 

Is that a bend? 

I need to know so I can prepare!! 

But do we really need to!? Doesn't the Bible repeatedly tell us not to fear and that we shouldn't worry about tomorrow? 

I don't know what the plan is but the road feels tight and long. We are weary and of little strength. We have broken down and screamed and yelled. We have cried and cried and we have prayed and prayed. While we don't know the plans God hasn't turned his back in our questions or anger. I don't even know that anger is the right word. Confusion... cries for answers... disappointment... but anger? We have known all along that God has a plan and he's still working... 

He is still working on you too and all of those "ENOUGH'S" whatever end of the spectrum and all of the parts in-between... God is right there too. We need though to work on not keeping our eyes and hearts fixed on the good, bad, and ugly of those, but to keep our eyes on the ONE who says... 

"In your tantrum ENOUGH... don't scream and fight because in those moments my strength is made perfect and I am fighting for you!" 

"You will always have ENOUGH THROUGH and IN ME... don't mistake that with earthly enough... IN and THROUGH ME!" 

"Oh my sweet sweet child... you are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ENOUGH for me!! Always remember you ARE who I say you are!!" 

Are you struggling with that tonight? 

This week? 

This month? 

This year? 

I want to encourage you that you are not alone. And not just because I too am walking that road but because the ONE who is moving, molding, shaping, guiding, providing is walking right there with you too. 

Fix your eyes on HIM and not the details of the ENOUGH spectrum listed above and watch HIM take the worry away, the pride, the idolatry on all things that are deterring you from full focus and community with Him. 

I was watching a study by Kyle Idleman called "gods at war" and this verse was mentioned in one of the lessons... It hit me that it went with the question of... where is my heart, sight, and focus on the enough spectrum really at most of the time lately.

40They would not listen, however, but persisted in their former practices. 41Even while these people were worshiping the Lord, they were serving their idols. To this day their children and grandchildren continue to do as their ancestors did. 

2 Kings 17:40-41

It was a hard truth because on those fist banging crying nights of "why are we walking this right now it seems so backwards" my focus has definitely been on the problem and not who provides the solution. I am grateful though that after releasing the tears God has been quick to bring peace to my heart and bring me back to his embrace saying "feel better now? Now stop listening to the world and just keep your ear tuned to me." It's hard when you get up and life starts moving the world sometimes drowns out His voice throughout the day, but He is near and when I stop to look and say "no Satan you can not have this moment. I am not going to let this thought run wild!!" I'm reminded I can throw away the former practices and walk in His peace that passes all understanding to His Will for my life, my family's life, and we will praise him no matter that road ahead leads us to.

So let me ask you... Do you have ENOUGH of the RIGHT thing? Are you focused on the right thing?  Him? I don't always... 

He's going to rock your world!!

Are you ready for it!? 

70X7

The last couple months have been a rollercoaster.

So many moments that scream, "This isn't fair!" Moments I don't understand at all. Moments where I have seen a loved one cry over the cruelty.

It isn't fair and I am angry.

There I said it.
To more than just a close friend and the loved one. I've now said it to all of you.

I am angry. And yet through that anger God keeps saying, "I've got this. Keep holding on." Not just to me but to another feeling the same way.

I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why God puts us in uncomfortable situations. I don't know why God puts people in our lives that essentially tear us down. Maybe it's to build us up on the back end? Maybe it's to prune us and build the "tearee"down to build back up? To show they don't have the control they think they have? This weekend it seemed clear that one reason may be to be the light in a self centered dark world. That it may be a "70X7" kind of moment to keep turning the other cheek and show God's grace through it.

Matthew 18:21-22 {KJV}

21Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

I'm not going to lie though that feels disheartening. It makes me want to cry and I worry about what that will destroy if it's lived out. One heart can only take so much rejection. Yet I am brought back to center with the reminder that "we are to be in the world but not of the world." That the people around who hurt have been hurt themselves. That Jesus was not always welcomed, he was torn down too, and yet He was always there.

What is it that he said... "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do." ?

While deep in my heart I am almost positive this situation they know what they are doing... I can't help but ponder do they really?

Hurt people hurt people.

What is the back story?
What are we supposed to learn through all of this?
What are we supposed to do through all of this?
What are we to do about the future?
Why are in the environments that we are in?

"You must really hate someone to not want to show Christ to them."

Ouch huh?

There are a ton of unloveable people in the world. People who go out of their way to hurt and destroy to build themselves up. I think we need to remember, as much as our human nature doesn't want to, that maybe just maybe they are desperately trying to fill a void they can't fill because they are filling with all the wrong things, and destroying us, destroying you, is the only way they know how to function.

I have no doubt that God is in control, and I know a lot of brokenness is coming for the growth on the other side. My heart breaks for the breaking that is coming. It scares me because I don't know what it'll look like. So many thoughts feel back to square one again.

Yet as usual, God is there. Right there in the midst of it all. This morning even with a post from last night I didn't see till the top of my FB feed showed it to me this morning.

He was there this morning in my devotional this morning. In verses that stop you and say, "Really?" Even when you know, without a shadow of any doubt at all, yes, of course really. 

It's time to stop resisting and start trying to live as Christ. He has a plan. He is in control, and even though it feels like we are swimming in the valley it is all according to His purpose. If even ONE comes to Christ or is shown Christ through it all, none of it has been in vain. 

Scripture And A Snapshot: Cling

This last year has been something else. Life full of change and uncertainty at times. One thing I know through it all is that we have had to CLING to God more than ever.

This verse has been one that God keeps laying on my heart. No matter what we have been faced with his right hand has upheld us!

He will up hold you too!

What do you do when God keeps bring it up?

I don't even know what to say or where to start? Seems a theme lately as I still continue to leave this little spot of mine sitting here. I sure do miss it but lack time these days.  So much has been going on though!

Over the Thanksgiving holiday we took a drive up north to see the kids great grandma and words came flooding to me for a post faster than I could type into my phone.

Here is what I wrote...

All the driving today has given me time think back on the last 9-10 years that God has been laying photography on my heart in one way or the other.  

Multiple shoots for friends and family. 
A wedding, maternity, family, etc. 

Each time I've had support and encouragement and words saying "I think God has big plans for you in this area." Each time I would shrug and brush it off and humbly slink off saying "I don't know. I'm not doing anything special." And I would just keep doing little things here and there never chasing that pull God kept bringing up. 

Every once in a while the whisper would fizzle out and I would think "See, I was right." But as faithful as God always is he continues that gentle poking of "Are you going to listen to me yet!?" 

The last couple months his words in this have been much louder! 

So have those same voices of encouragement from over all these years that have kept saying "Now is the time! Trust what God has given you!" 

I desperately need to work on stopping cutting myself down in this area of my life, and while I work on that and tune my ear to hear more of a direct direction God is leading ,I am having fun being behind the camera capturing moments like this for friends that are so encouraging!! 

Ones that are beyond giddy when I text them saying "Sharing your pictures and tagging me already brought a mutual friend asking if I would do their son's Senior pictures." Their response? "Yes! We were wanting to bring you more business!!" 

So, I don't know all that God has in mind. I don't want to get ahead of him in the slightest bit, but his nugging is getting a lot harder to keep ignoring. I really want to be in his will, and I am so grateful for those he's put in my path that are so encouraging.... Whatever that path may be. And if you ask any of them or what it has felt like... 

My own photography business may actually be starting after all these years of me saying "No, he couldn't possibly be saying that." 

We really are our own worst enemies at times huh?? 

So here is to whatever God is planning! I have now 2 Senior shoots to do and possibly 2 families I asked if I could practice more on. Here is to praying the details and taking myself out of blocking whatever he may be saying.... "Are you finally go for what I've wanted you to do now?"

Floundering and Seeking

This first week of summer break has proved to be very busy! I honestly can not believe it is Thursday already!!

I really feel like I am splashing around in the water looking for the surface for direction lately. Not such a bad thing just really can't wait for clear direction. I know though that right now it is just God leading me back to His Word. To spend more intimate time with him. Seeking His direction and making sure I am cleared out of the way. My summer Bible Study with my besties has solidified just that for me. Priscilla's words of exactly that reminder has resoluted in my heart so much. This is one from the second week we just finished. Seriously, this series is AMAZING!!! Go out and purchase it right away! It's awesome!



I think that is one reason I haven't been in this space of mine very much. Although I love this little spot of mine God has been seeking me with His Word, pen, and paper a lot more lately. I am not sure what that means he wants of this space yet. I am desperately seeking Him on that. I think he is molding my weakness and feeling unequipped to share anything on here and maybe shaping that for His strength to shine. I'm not sure. I am still here just seeking God in so many areas that sometimes it's hard to formulate the words to fill this white box that sits in front of me all the time like I desire to do.

I need to find the balance of "screen time" and family time. Worship time and pen to paper sit in silence time. Lots of stretching going on over here. Stretching to remove what no longer should be there and to fill in all the new God is filling me up with. The plus to all of this is that the stretching is good. My Pastor used the example a month ago or so that if a rubber band isn't stretched continually it will sit and get dry rotted and will break when stretched again. Growth and renewal comes from the stretching and that when God is stretching us (his rubber bands) it's to keep up pliable and like new. If that makes sense.

So, I guess you could say I am being stretched right now. It's a good kind of stretching and I am just savoring in every pull and tug. Working sore muscles and watching what is being taken out and what is being put in. I'm in wonderful hands.

Isn't that awesome to know that we are being stretched by the best!?

One More Round...

Wrestling With God.

That's what this weekend's Sermon was about. Just a perfectly timed message. What I loved about it was when our guest speaker mentioned that "wrestling with God isn't that we are wrestling with a person or situation. That our fight isn't with something, but that we are actually wrestling with God because he wants to teach us something and bless us." We talked about Jacob wrestling with God and how he went rounds all night and kept toe to toe. Instead of giving up he kept saying, "Bless me."

I need to ask God to do that so bad.

I am wrestling with God on a number of things, but instead of getting upset or thinking I need to be in control to get to where I need (or think I should be) I need to just wrestle and not lose focus on who I am wrestling with. I need to realize it isn't in vain. I am wrestling with God because he wants to teach me something good, bless me with invaluable information and growth, and that I will miss it if I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE A WAY OUT OF THE STRUGGLE MYSELF.

I need to remember the points that were mentioned. #1: There comes a time where at some point we have to wrestle with God alone. #2: It's in the wrestle with God that we receive revelation about our true identity and step away from the situation we are allowing to define us. The situation/person that we are allowing to identify us. #3: Once you wrestle with God you will forever be changed. Never to be the same again.

I want to keep such a hold on the wrestling match that God has to tell me to let go because it is daybreak but I do not want the wrestling to end until God blesses me out of it! Just like Jacob.

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." Genesis 32:24-26

I have to stop trying to wrestle free and start wrestling for the workout. For the blessing, learning, and growth. I have to stop wrestling and trying to get free so I can control the situation or person. All I am then doing is allowing lies to speak over me and define me.

"Because you haven't done..."

"Because you don't have..."

"Because you have failed here..." 

The lies continue if we wrestle to try and change those lies ourselves. If we remember that there is a reason we haven't done, don't have, and maybe failed in an area that maybe it's because we missed looking for the lesson and that God is wrestling with us for our good. OUR good. We may have stepped out to figure it out on our own, or that we were chasing the wrong dream and God is stopping the path because even though we think we are supposed to be one place he wants us to stay for OUR good. The wrestling never feels good, but there is a reason. A lesson. A blessing.

There are countless scenarios that the wrestling could be taking place and there is something everyone is wrestling with God with... I guess my point is that I need to remember to stop thinking I am wrestling with a situation/person and stop being frustrated at the rounds I keep feeling I enter the ring for.

I won't get knocked down.

I will keep going toe to toe and I will keep remembering that it's God I am wrestling with and when he wins... I win. 

The wrestle isn't going to leave me feeling like I'm failing. I win in so many ways by changing my view, my approach to who it really matters to and rest in the fact I am growing and learning from the Father. He loves me, and I am his child. He is teaching me and I want his blessing. What better trainer in the ring would you want?

I WILL NOT LET GO OF THE WRESTLE UNLESS HE BLESSES ME.

Even if the blessing is opposite of what I think it should be.

Because anything from God is a blessing... even more special when he shows his might that he is right and that keeping me where I am is for my own good. The growth that will come is going to be so beautiful and it'll shape/train me for the next wrestling match.

I'm ready to keep up the wrestling match. I will not waver and match God, seek God, and ask him to reveal to me what lies I am allowing to define me. I will seek his blessing and grow in all the training he is shaping me in.

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

When I want the struggle to end and I want God to stop I need to remember there he is training and wrestling with me for my own good.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 

Artist: BarlowGirl
Title: One More Round
Album: How Can We Be Silent

Songtext:

Round one wasn't what I thought it'd be
Round two I'm struggling to breathe
3, 4, 5, 6, 7 times I wondered why I stepped inside this ring

I may be knocked down and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
I may be knocked down but not for the count

1,2,3,4
So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting
One more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round I'll come out swinging
One more round I'm telling ya now I'm not going to lose it here

It's so hard to get above the floor again
But I now that victory is when
I'm pushing through the pain that tries to feed me lies that I wont reach the end

I may be bloodied and so bruised
But I'm here to tell you
I may be knocked down but not for the count
1,2,3,4
So take me one more round ill just keep fighting one more round
You're messing me up but I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging
One more round
I'm telling ya now I am not going to lose it

I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope believing
God is for me who can bring me down?

So take me one more round
I'll just keep fighting

One more round
You're messing me up but Oh, I'm still here
One more round
I'll come out swinging one more round
I'm telling you now I'm not gonna lose it here

Orphan Mindset or I'm a daughter to the KING?

Boy, has God been working on my thought process lately. The revelations that keep arising have been huge and have changed the way I look at things. How I feel about myself and how I view where God has us. Our current Sermon series and my Monday night Bible Study seem to be tied hand in hand in that. The way God works amazes me.

Yesterday's Sermon our Pastor posed the question/challenge to us to think about how we handle life. Do we have an orphan mentality... You know stashing things away because we have no idea when our next meal or money will come our way, OR do we have the mindset that we are sons and daughter of a KING that has never let us be without? He's always.... always.... has provided yet we don't allow our minds sometimes to be without fear.

In that same breath it ties in the other part God has been working on me with. God is our promoter. Why are we always looking for the next promotion or job title? Why aren't we living like God will bring it to us if it's meant to be or asking ourselves are we chasing it because of our own desires or because God is really paving the way?

Are we chasing after _____________ for our own selfish reasons? Am I preparing my fields for what God has asked me to do or am I creating something for myself and making the pieces fit for me?

These questions have been huge for my husband and I a ton in life. Our Sermon series has been on the prodical Son and the extravagant love of his father.

This morning on our way back from taking my husband to work the kids were watching Prince Caspian and lines from the movie hit me like a ton of bricks as I was thinking back on what I learned this weekend and am praying for revelation on.

Aslan is talking to Lucy in the forest and he tells her, "Things never happen the same way twice." When she asks him why he didn't show up when they needed him like before. It's soooooooo true with God. If he showed up the same way twice would we really need the journey and stretching period to be dependent on him for our every breath? There would be no learning big steps, a deep faith, or a new revelation of God's love and provision for us.

Then it tied in if we have an orphan mindset and out to make things happen for ourselves when Peter tells Lucy (who is trying to get him to focus on who really is the one who can win... Aslan) "I think we've waited for Aslan long enough." Oh how many times have I gone out and said, "Yea, God I have waited long enough for you to show up and I haven't heard or seen you so I'm just going to run into this battle swords swinging and I am going to be victorious!" The battle never turns out pretty for me. Trust me. It isn't until I am knee deep in the battle totally useless that I call out and Aslan/God comes roaring through my battle to save me. If I would have just been patient and trusted I could have walked in with God.

I need the reminder that we are not the ones that promote ourselves. That we are not to hoard our resources (whatever they may be) because we are fearful it'll never be there again to get us to where we feel we need to be. Oh that lesson since the beginning of this year has been a hard one for us. We know God wants us at a certain point. Oh how he has shown that, yet he keeps telling us not yet.... do this instead. It's hard yet following that and trusting he will bring us back to where we know he wants us has been so beautiful. The growth in faith and trust has been something we would've missed if we kept it all to ourselves, or all of the missed opportunities to share Christ where we were at.

This though is a mindset that is being worked on from the second we wake up to the time we lay our head on the pillow. We by no means are successful at this and we more times than not have an orphan mindset thinking we only have ourselves. It has been a refreshing reminder all these months that God keeps saying, "You are my Son/Daughter. I have given you my robe, given you sandals, and a ring on your finger." (Luke 15:22) His extravagant love for his son to still provide even when his son went and thought he could do it all on his own. How often do I wonder and end up in the pig trough? I put myself in my own turmoil because of my orphan "I only have me" "I have to save this or nothing will happen again" mindset. I love the way my Pastor said it... "Freedom is in joyful submission NOT in independence." and that "revelation is in the heart taught by the Spirit and information is just from your head."

I want joyful submission. No fear and knowing that even the birds don't hoard cause they aren't sure where their next _______ may come. They live each day for that day, doing what they are to do, saving nothing for tomorrow, and know that God will provide for their every need where they are at. Didn't God provide manna every day and the Israelites and they never went without for 40 years!? They didn't save it in their bags for later either. God will provide for me that same way if I just keep my eyes on him and not think I have to make life for me. I don't want to be Doubting Thomas (John 20: 24-31) or worry like Martha (Luke 10:38-42). I want to seek the revelation from The Spirit. I want to stop carrying my load myself and putting everything in cracks " just in case" and just know that when I need it God will bring it right then and there... full trust. I want to be like Mary who knew that it wasn't in making sure the to-do lists were prepared, all the plans in place, and set aside for "what if" or "just in case" she just went to Jesus and sat at his feet. That was all that mattered and God took care of the rest.

I want the mentality everyday that I am a daughter that doesn't need to worry about where anything will come from or when, just know that it will. It will come. Whatever it is... it will arrive at the exact moment I need it and I don't need to store or seek an answer myself. I need to align my motives with God's and not be self seeking. I don't want to live like an orphan anymore. I want to remember to seek the revelation when doubt or worry comes in and seek God's truth in his Word not stew in my own thoughts. That always leaves me feeling worse when I stew. Peace comes when I open the pages and hear his voice as I read the life giving words on the page.

I will stop stashing _____________ around the "house" because I have a Father that will provide for my every need!!!

The Miracle Is In My Hand

Ever just have a parable keep getting thrown at you and each time you hear something deeper and deeper.

The feeding of the five thousand is that parable for me right now. God is dropping pebbles, rocks, and even boulders of this parable in my lap the last couple months. The revelations that come with each new awakening are wow. I've heard this story all my life and it's so applicable in so many areas.

Who says the Bible doesn't apply to today and now!?

The miracle of the five thousand didn't come from Jesus' hands but the disciples. Jesus only broke those sweet loaves in half, blessed them, and handed them to the disciples. It is in the disciples hand that the bread actually multiplied.

How awesome is that!?

Can you imagine the looks on their faces as they took of that first little crumb off to feed the first guy!? I'm pretty sure he originally got gipped and then was well feed once they watched as that bit of bread in their hand grew to provide beyond the needs of the people.

12 baskets of leftovers people.... that is a lot of food!

For me God isn't asking me to multiply food while I'd be lying if I didn't share that he has used this parable in the grocery store parking lot when our budget has been pennies within the last couple months.

He is faithful. 

He will provide. 

He will get us to point B... 

If we believe. 

If we trust. 

If we just do as he has said. Even if there is a question of how we still just do.

We first have to start breaking the bread in our hand and start feeding what he is asking us to feed. Not only will it sustain but it will provide beyond.

Why do I always forget that?

Why do I always look at the path God is asking me to walk and say, "Whoa that is a big picture I have no idea how we are going to do THAT with THIS!?" But God has already broken it and blessed it... now he has handed it off to me to break and do with what he asked. He isn't just going to go poof here it is. The miracle can't take place unless my hand does the breaking.

It was in the trust of breaking those first small little pieces to feed those hungry mouths, just the obedience of showing up and doing, that the crowd gained what they were needing. Oh those people. Do you think the guys in the middle and the back even had a clue at the time how little the disciples were given up at the very front!? I would have loved to have been around the campfire that night with the disciples as they recounted what they watched take place in their hands that day.

I want that in my life.

I want to trust that fully. To start breaking what is in my hand and trust that it will do as God has told me it will do. All he has said is do... go and feed them... take care of what I am asking you to take care. You have enough with the little I have given you. Watch it do much.

I need to stop being afraid of how big the picture is and just start.

Just start.

God's already blessed it.

The miracle of it succeeding is in my hands.

Am I really listening?

Have you ever felt drawn to pour God blessing out on a loved one and you walk away feeling like you received the blessing instead?

You turn to the Father and say, "Father, I am sorry I must have gotten it all wrong. Why do I feel like the blessing was given to me instead of me giving it away. Forgive me Father." He gently then leans down to whisper, "Child don't you know it was meant for you as well?"

A stitch in the moment that God weaves in to hit your heart strings singing, "I hear you too my dear."

Those moments are so majestic and so needed. I know I miss so many of them in my daily life. So busy fast talking or thinking and undoubtedly moving like Sonic the Hedgehog from one to-do checkbox to the other.

The last couple days God has silenced me. Quite literally I might add. I started to lose my voice Sunday morning. Monday night I had a table of ladies to lead for Bible study and I thought for sure I could "get by" with my apprentice doing all of the talking so I wouldn't have to. No such luck. I was to lead a different table, as a fill in leader, because God was going to give me the honor of watching some amazing revelation take place in a friend of mine. By Tuesday morning my voice was toast.

It was in this day of silence where a lot of whispering took place. I have to say though the day was actually one of the smoothest we have had in a while. I was blessed with compassionate children who were thoughtful to the fact their mother couldn't talk very loudly, if at all, and were very well behaved. As I sat there though into the evening hours I was struck with a thought that carried into yesterday. A day I might add that my voice sounded remarkably better. I was struck that this moment of silence, if you will, was God's way of getting me to actually slow down to listen to him.

Whoa.

All congested, coughing up a storm, and silent in this moment I was to rest and just listen to God. Although the coughing was loud the loss of my voice really did silence my head. It was beautiful how God laid it out like that. It was today that God revealed the cry of my heart during this time to the anxious thoughts that consume me lately.

Grateful that I can cry out to him and he will hear and deliver.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139: 24-25

And just when I needed it a dear friend shared this verse as well. Totally what my heart needed to hear.

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe... Ephesians 1:18, 19a

Though I was blessed to have my voice return yesterday God is still laying it on my heart to be aware of if I am really listening to him. I am doing a lot of asking but am I really taking the time to listen for his answer? Sadly I don't think I fully am. I see deadlines and sadly turn out like Peter in Narnia saying, "I think we have waited for Aslan long enough." Then I charge into battle all high and mighty thinking I know the right movements to come out victorious.

Why does it take the physical slow down to show where I am failing in the real slow down?

Are you really listening to what God is trying to whisper to you? That you can only hear unless you are silenced, but your own hand or God's?

God is trying to reveal something to me. I honestly don't know what it is yet. I think I spent more time figuring out the revelation as to why for the first time in years I was silenced. I definitely will be more aware of the level I am actually listening to. I am responsible for me. I need to not just look at my intentions but I need to make sure my actions are following suit. I need to keep silent to still my thoughts and seek God with all that I have so I will be acutely aware of his whisper when he decides to reveal what he is wanting me to see.

Strengthen My Hands, Lord!

It's 8:15am and my kids are still sleeping. Partly because it was a late night, but then again every Monday night is. Partly because they aren't feeling 100% and partly because I am enjoying the silence.

Is that bad?

Yea I thought so too. I promise I will wake them up in a minute. I just want to sit in the ahhhh of the moment first. Steam from my coffee rising and the slightest hint of the frost on the rooftops glistening in the sun out of my living room window. It's peaceful. The weather is about to change from amazing spring weather Sunday to a high of 48 tomorrow and then 70's a day later. Crazy weather we have here. I guess that is why I want to let the kids sleep to fight off the weather changing bug that hopefully will not plague them this year.

I sit here at a loss for words on over all God is doing. Last night though I had a big test.

Can I be transparent and say I failed miserably.

I missed a huge blessing in a journey and took someone down with me.
My husband.

Awful huh?

The best part is not only did I know I was doing it as it was happening, but God wanted to make sure I realized I didn't handle the situation his way through the video teaching part of last night's study. After I finally sealed my lips... fuming at the situation and at myself, too ashamed to actually be nice and admit that I was way wrong... God kept saying, "Things don't happen the same way twice" through the movie Narnia my kids were watching behind me. While the scene played out I knew it was meant for me in that moment. It also was loud that "he's got it!!" I need to shut my mouth and let him work. Story of my life I tell ya! You'd think I'd know better and not blow up at information that was just given to my husband not even 15 minutes before.

Trust has been a huge word for me in this Nehemiah study. It's my rock I need replaced in my own wall to make my wall more secure. Sturdy. This was one of those moments. "Do you trust me?" He asked. "Can I work or are you going to think you have it figured out better than I?"

Ouch right!?

I need to apologize to my husband. Via text won't cut it so I plan on using this time today until he is home to really chew more on God putting me in my place. All is fine with us it's just I handled a situation way out of line and I need to make it right. Instead of seeing this situation as either a.) God saying this could be the way I answer one of your prayers. Just sit and watch and pray for my hand in all of this. or b.) Praying for strengthened hands and prayers for those trying to pull us away from the task, I did exactly what my husband said... blew it way out of proportion. I didn't give time for either prayer to be said above and they go hand in hand either way.

I know I am missing something else key God spoke to me on the short drive from where we were to church. Ugh what is it!? I'm telling you what I need a tape recorder in my head so I can go back and fully remember key moments with God like that hours later.


I woke up this morning on such a high from Bible Study last night. This study on Nehemiah is rocking my world. Even in just fueling the fire for a servants heart. An unwavering heart to finish the task God has placed before me well. To pray during adversity with more fervor for strength but also for those that are trying to deter me.

A little backstory on where I am at in Nehemiah. The wall is complete at this point in the Scripture and the only thing left to do is secure the doors and gates into place. Nehemiah has been receiving invite after invite to meet with the enemy who is trying to lure him away from the wall for a number of reasons. Nehemiah though sticks to his guns and stays persistent that he is to finish the task the Lord has asked of him and not a moment sooner will he come down from his "post" if you will. He keeps receiving these letters saying now that he has to come hide in the temple because people are out to kill him. The problem is that if he went to hide out in the temple he would be sinning and discredit would come to his name. He does not what that at all. We pick up the story in Nehemiah 6:8-9 with Nehemiah's response to the warning.

⁸ I sent him this reply: “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.”

⁹ They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.”

But I prayed, “Now strengthen my hands.”

I need God to strengthen my hands over the adversity or even just to not waver on if this situation is to prosper us and not harm us. Nehemiah then goes to PRAY for the adversaries!! Trust me when I say that was the last thing I was thinking about doing last night, but that is exactly what God is asking me to do. Instead of untrust and thinking I know what is going to happen the second I hear of what could be coming... I need to hold tight to the process in which Nehemiah faced and handled similar "distraction" from the task at hand. Just the other day even I was advised to keep on with the keeping my eyes on Jesus. A.) By a friend and B.) in our sermon on Sunday. I don't want to be like Peter the second God asks me to step out of the boat to doubt (although I too have witnessed all these miracles and Only God stories that is first thing I think of most times... I can't walk on water are you kidding!?) and start to sink when God has called me to walk on top of the storm with him. He catches me every time I sink but just once I would like to be able to keep my eyes on him and deter them to walk with trust all the way to where he is asking me to meet him.

Matthew 14:27-31

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

²⁹ “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I know this situation was brought up to test my strength and trust. I feel that with everything. I also know this isn't it. I didn't do so hot this but I am learning in the journey and thankfully it is not about the destination. I pray that when the next one arises I handle it way better and pray before speaking...

"Lord, Now strengthen my hands."

I need to also hold tight to that the fear to instantly want to jump to the wrong conclusion does not come from God. 

2 Timothy 1:7

⁷ For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

The first reaction to fear is all Satan because we are were we are supposed to be fighting what God wants us to fight against so Satan is trying to deter us. The hits come harder when you are in the midst of the journey. I need to work on being better equipped to lean back on the Scripture to walk me through the valley before I just give in to the fear of whatever is coming. He is really working on training me up on my words for this year and my rock in my wall. Grateful for the lesson.

Strengthen my hands, Lord. Please!

I GET TO... follow Christ on this journey.

He's still at it. 

God. 

Blowing me away and just knocking me around with a 2x4. For the last 72+ hours it's been one hit after another. All good and worth it but a hit none the less. As usual I have sat to try and articulate the words to explain all that is going on and the words don't exist. Maybe I just need a new blog approach for a while. Heehee... Although since going through the book of Nehemiah maybe it is a good thing the words won't come because I can't give hint to all God is working on right now. Then again that would imply I have a hint of the bigger picture and I don't.

So I praise him. 

I thank him. 

I take each day as they come and know unswervingly that God is in control and no matter what takes place we will be more than fine.

We are still praying about the direction of our homeschooling curriculum for next year and what our next steps are to be as a family. The sun and SON are shining and I am grateful for the journey we are on. Even though I can't fully explain it.

It's a crazy wild ride when you aren't holding the steering wheel anticipating every turn or swirve. There are a ton of Scriptures God has be praying over right now. I can't wait to be able to share all God is stretching and growing me with. I'm thankful that in the stretching it is to take bad things out and to put good things back in.

Just in awe of the stretching and grateful God will never stretch me to my breaking point! WE GET TO say yes to the journey not we have to. Such freedom in that!!! And it's so not about the destination for us but the journey!!! How freeing is that as well!

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. 

1 Peter 4:12 -13

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. 

Colossians 4:2

So that is where I have been. Please don't think I have been ignoring you but not responding to the comments just yet. It's been a quick publish from my cell phone with a grateful prayerful heart for your sweet comments. It's also been my heart has been so rooted in seeking what God has been laying on my heart that the words to fill this post space have escaped me in this process. Please know you all are being covered in prayer as well and are sorely missed.

Thursday!? Seriously!?

Today is Thursday!? 

Are you sure!??

Yep. That is what my calendar says. 

Where has this week gone!? 

I feel so behind this week and I haven't even sat and wasted most of it away in front of this screen. What is going on?

I am currently listening to my 9 year old and 5 year old watch Diego with their 3 year old brother about an episode on whales. They are pointing out all the parts of the whale and what the whale is doing. Haha I guess the Apologia Swimming Creature lessons are sinking in. I am sitting on the other side of the wall just cracking up listening to them. Who would've thought Diego was going to help reinforce their Science vocab from the week. ;)

So much has gone on this week. Break through is realizing how to pray for certain things now I just need to sit and make that hard praying to take place. For me that means lots of pen to paper time. That is where I seem to really lay my heart out to God. I have been blown away with all that God has been laying on my heart lately. I am excited to see what it all means.

I think I mentioned this verse a couple days ago but I have really been claiming this verse lately.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 

Mark 11:24

Such power in that!

On Monday night our Women's Pastor shared this verse...

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 

Hebrews 4:16

Prayer and praying with more fervor has really been the lesson God has teaching me this week. Like to the extent of that is all I want to do. Seek answers and listen for God to show up in only a way he can. He is going to too I just know it. Isn't that awesome to know that God already has the answer and all we have to do is reach the mark in the road that sets off his fireworks display!? Can't wait to reach that mark.

I suppose I should get a moving on our day as we have plans for this evening and there is a lot I would love to accomplish today.

Hope you have a blessed day!!

When I want to pull back... God says jump farther...

I was talking to a dear friend about some of the changes that are coming for us in this new month of 2013. The walking away from one activity to trying a new one. From thinking we were to step back from some of the "jumping in" at church we did in the last year to even more jumping. 

It's funny how in the tiniest of comments, "so much for stepping back huh?" you are reminded God's thoughts are better than our own. 

2012 was full of so many firsts for us. 

• A step into an entirely new career for my husband. After 12+ years of one the prospect of a new one was scary and exciting at the same time. 
• Buying our first house. 
• A sport for our daughter
• Jumping in with serving and apprentice leading in ministries at church. We have never done that before. We've always come in, been feed, and walked out. Talk about stepping out of our comfort zone. 

The time was a huge thing this year. We felt we never had any and seriously thought we had bitten off way more than we could chew. In some ways we totally did. What's sad is we thought the solution was to cut out the church stuff. Isn't that how it always is!? 

So wrong. 

We have been brought back to the Father's feet a thousand times over asking forgiveness for thinking we needed to cut back on the wrong area. He has forgiven us so much so that he actually keeps bringing us more ministry opportunities. We are very excited about them! 

Upon realization God was calling us to actually purchase this house and move 20+ miles away from things we prayed about what that meant for the said items above. Was this move meaning we were to stop it all? Some? None? Oh the questions. In that we asked our daughter to pray about the sport she was involved in as well. Seeing as we only have one vehicle currently we needed her to pray about a.) continuing with that team and schedule, b.) continuing with that sport only a new team in our new town, or c.) something completely different. She came back to us last week saying she actually wanted to take the entire spring off to pursue family road trips and exploring like we used to do back home, as well as a new hobby. "I have a feeling God has something in store for us." ...were her exact words. 

Have I mentioned how much my 9 year old blows my mind and faith daily!? She is amazing! 

So that is exactly what we will be doing with her this spring. She will be taking a class today actually for the new hobby she wants to pursue... archery, and we will be praying about what God has in store for us. For what he wants us to do this spring. 

We're excited about that too. 

I guess the point of this post is God is yet again showing me how his plans are better than mine. Cutting back isn't exactly what he is asking us to and in the words of my 9 yr old... He has something in store for us. 2012 he blew us away. I can't imagine what 2013 has in store. I'm excited we have the opportunities further in ministry and how excited the kids are about them too. 

When life gets crazy for you what do you do about cutting back? Does God keep pushing to keep jumping in instead? 

He has definitely push and stretched us farther than we thought we could go... Gotta love his wild ride. 

My Word(s) for 2013

I can not believe here is January 2013. No not because I believed the Mayan Calendar but it seems like just yesterday was January 2012 and we were just starting our new adventure in our great big new state. Oh my all the journeys 2012 took us on. The continuation of 2011 and what I feel is still coming for 2013. How fast the days go and the moments that fleet away with them. Soaking up the last of 2012 was spent working on a couple of little projects around the house yesterday and a family campout watching a movie marathon of one of our favorite movies... Mystery Woman. My oldest made it to midnight but was very happy to see it arrive so she could say, "I proved you wrong. I did it!" and my husband and I made it. The boys crashed. The youngest fell asleep on my chest for hours. I loved every moment of it. He'll be 4 in 2013 and the baby of the family and I watched him sleep last night in wonder of the little man he is going into.

So blessed. 

I sat watching everyone around in awe last night of where we have come in the last year. Never had I imagined it possible to be where we are at in a years time. That is the beauty of God calling the impossible possible.



Sunday we had a guest speaker at church and he talked about God writing a bigger story for our lives in 2013 if only we do what is so hard for all of us to do.

Surrender. 

Fully. 

Ugh what!? No control and full letting go of everything!? So against my nature.

As I sat there God was doing a number on my heartstrings. This one word that holds so much in it's little letters is exactly what he is calling me to do this year. Full, complete, unquestioning surrender. To completely let go of every.single.area. of my life. Seemed fitting after the post I had just published and he sat there reminding me that what I wrote was exactly what he wants of me. That I am not to make a single move, purchase, calculation, or plan without his say so. That will not be easy for me at all but I know the peace that comes if I would just do that. Our guest speaker also shared a verse to go with it. As he read it God whispered... "This is your verse. This is what I want from you."




So, I am claiming this verse this year. It will be written on my bathroom mirror and by the computer to remind me daily that I am not to do anything until the Father tells me to.

With surrender came another word though. I prayed if I were to only have one word for 2013 but God kept throwing another one at me and I think they go hand in hand yet separate.

Present. 

He asked me to be 100% present this year. 

Full attention in Him. 

Full attention in my family. 

Full attention. To have my mind 100% present in what is taking place in the moment I am living in. Not lost in thought of all that I can not control and should not be fearing about. 

To walk away from the computer and to leave the cell phone in the other room. 

To be 100% present. 

So, I am claiming this as well. To be 100% present to God, family, and the moments that God places me in. To not miss a moment or make an excuse to not sit and be and enjoy. To listen more intently and to just be more.

These two words and this verse above I pray to be my staple this year. To be what I hold on to and live by for not only this year but years to come. Words I pray to become second nature for me.