I say this every year but where as the year gone? I sit here thinking, in fear I won't lie, of all that needs to happen in the coming year. Medical wise let alone all of the other areas and I have no idea where the money will come. No matter how well I organize my bill binder (I will share more on that soon), or our best made plans to continue on our baby steps I was reminded that fear doesn't come from God, and thankfully his thoughts are way better than mine and that my idea of secure is different than God's. When mine is revealed as trying to do it on my own I love he sits there quietly waiting to pick me up, and wrap his protective arms around me saying, "I haven't failed you yet. I won't ever. Will you stop prolonging my will by trying to live yours? I have you."
Last night, pen to paper, I laid it at his feet about one area of concern for me. The peace of "vocally" getting it out always feels amazing. Why does it take me so long to do that sometimes? It's like I can physically feel Satan being slain and losing his grip on trying to defeat me.
God has blown us away with his mercies and provisions... Always. Even down to the penny. The details of the last year alone speak volumes to that yet I always fear about the money and the how. Laying it at his feet saying, "I don't see how but you love making what I find impossible possible so have your way." Has lifted mountains of burdens all the time, but that is something I have to remind myself to say everyday. It hasn't been an overnight cure for me.
I doubt it ever will.
As this new year's dawn looms overhead I am also looking at all the beauty God did this year. Absolutely speechless at it all and we are so incredibly thankful. I truthfully lay in bed at night looking around at all the space, the walls, the standalone walls not attached to other families walls and I say how unworthy I am. How in spite of my doubts or failures this year he still threw all this in. Just because he can. I think of all we have come from over the years that has lead us to this single moment. It feels like home and totally in God's Will more than any other singular time in our lives that I can put my finger on.
It reminds me that He's got this. He will provide for our needs and smoother my fear out with a single breath. He will provide in such ways that far exceed any scenario I've played out in my head and for that I am so grateful!
He has a plan.
He is leading us to that moment and is ready to carry us when we grow weary. He knows what we are facing... He wrote if out that way. He has subtly reminded us he hasn't forgotten the promises he's revealed to us and that it's all in his time.
He will provide.
He will write out the how and where and knowing that it isn't up to me to figure out is freeing. Although a daily reminder to release it back to him.
The new year will be even more amazing. He has said so! He has said he isn't done. I know it because God is in control and thankfully I'm not.
I also plan to make a lot more time for the important parts of childhood.
Memory makers.
Messy counters and all.
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