Sometimes you need to humble yourself...

Today was so hard. As you may have read from today's earlier post. I had to humble myself and look my kids in the eyes and tell them, I WAS SORRY AND AT FAULT. 

I know not the norm for a parent to do. I can't remember many time I ever heard my parents tell me that growing up but I want to change our legacy and humbling myself at their feet and apologize. I had to look at my daughter and tell her I'm sorry I said what I did out of my own defaults of "hurt you before you can hurt me.", and that when she defaults to the same thing it only kills me more because I know I have shown that example. 

No one tells you how hard parenting will be growing up. You grow up looking at your parents like they have it all together. Did my parents cry at night over "guilt" of the day before's actions? I do. All the mistakes and mishaps. 

Lord have mercy. 

I had to tell them how wrong I was and even though we were all equally at fault I was the worst example of all and that my heart screams for difference. It's such a humbling experience to witness (on more than one occassion). It never gets easier. If anything I'm thinking it gets harder. While I was snuggling with them for campout night I was reminded that God's mercies are new EVERY morning and that tomorrow will again be Day 1 at working to "get it right." Whatever that looks like being human in a sinful world and all. 

As much as I know their tearstained faces have forgiven me, and I them.... our hearts are raw and praying for difference to our day(s). I wish we could all truly erase the words and actions. That they simply didn't exsist in our hearts anymore to sneak up and try to trip us up when Satan wants us to stumble again. Thankfully days like today have been few in far between in the last couple years; they hurt just the same. I need to face tomorrow with all the newness each morning brings. I need to be the example of God and how he throws our forgiven sins to the deepest depths of the ocean marked with a sign saying, "back away... nothing to see or remember here. No grabbing allowed."

I just pray their little hearts can view me the same way. 

In the heart of talking about change...

One area I'd love to change is to be a better mother.

Sure I homeschool, am home all day and night with my kids, feed them, pray with them, and nurture them, but let's be transparent here... There are many snuggles I brush off or use a tone/words I wish they had never heard in their lives. There are frankly days I ask God why are we homeschooling? Why am I a stay at home mom? Why have you chosen me for these precious children? They deserve better. What exactly are we shielding them from here?

That hurts to admit but I'd be lying if I didn't fully say it's true.

Do you have days or thoughts like that!?

It's a daily struggle I think for me to be 100% aware and present with my actions and words to really be the parent God has called me to be. I fail at it though... daily. I fear all the time what kind of memories will these kids carry with them of me and their childhood. Of course there are happy moments don't get me wrong but I think you understand what I am meaning here.

Parenting is hard.

There is a TON they don't mention to you about parenting. Homeschooling is hard. That you hear all the time and it isn't a lie. Throw them together and there are many days that the yesterday's have blown up so bad that I'd rather stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my eyes ignoring the dawning day.

"There is no way I can correct my mess ups from yesterday. Today can't happen then. I'll just make it worse."

Thankfully there is grace from God and my children but still it is a nagging failure that eats at me daily.

Our church is doing a fast together for 21 days starting January 13th and motherhood definitely plans to be a good focus of my prayer time. Which I guess brings me to part of my point... Sarah Mae's new book is out and I so desperately, no pun intended, want to read it. A dear friend sent me a flyer from the book and it was perfect for me. Do you plan on reading the book? I definitely feel God drawing me to this book since I first read Sarah was writing it with Sally. Must hit the bookstore asap.

My other point????
I want to put the real me out there.

To maybe know I am not alone or to assure you that you aren't alone. To know I am not the only one to say, "I just can't be mom today." Life is messy here and not all perfect schedules, followed meal plans, laundry caught up, and all niceties everyday.

Far from it honestly.

Don't open the laundry room door the pile may fall on you. There are currently dishes that are begging to be in my dishwasher, and my to fold pile... yea I am still hoping it folds itself. My thoughts on motherhood though are taking precedence while my children are currently all playing together in the other room. No sense in ruining the wonderful moment of them all playing the same thing without arguing. Right? Just to do the dishes? I thought not too.

I want and need to be a better wife and mom. 

I want and need to really work on being who God wants me to be inside these walls as well as out.

I want and need to search God daily to overcome the bad that comes into my parenting. 

I don't feel like I have succeeded at shaping these little hearts and minds like I am meant to. Not that I want to dwell on the negative parts of my last 9 years of being a parent but I don't want the realness of where I am at to be lost in some  of the other things I post. Pictures. Words. Anything. I struggle at being a mom. I have thoughts with God asking, "Why am I called to do this when I feel like I am failing at it?" I scream out loud and in pillows and sadly sometimes at the kids. I hide in the other room when I have royally messed up. I ask my children's forgiveness for my behavior all the time. I am resolving this year will be the turning point and that the good out weighs the bad and that I will finally be more of the mother God wants me to be.

I also need to remember that the moments after the flawless looking picture or very all together happy looking children statuses are posted things could fall apart. That not everyone has it together and I shouldn't add extra guilt onto myself for someone else appearing to have "it all together" while I am falling apart. Sadly, that happens all too often since the boom of technology. The longing to have it all together like so and so. We don't really know what is happening on the other side of their screens.

I need to hold on to the fact that I am in my own mess. One God wants to shape me in to be more of the mom he has called me to be. I need to remember that he will pull me out of this season. Dry land will appear one day and I will be grateful for what I have learned. In his time. I need to remember he knew I would have days like this and yet he still kept them written in my script. Crazy how just even writing these words down God has evolved my heart into acceptance and growth and not beating myself up over it. I still fail. I know. I will still struggle but there is hope. I just pray my children remember and relish on the good and not the crazed, lost her temper too many times in a day, screaming mom who has felt she has failed and doesn't know how to correct it moments. I pray they see the growth and see who I am seeking for that growth so when the time comes that these moments invade their households they will know who to turn to as well.

I am going to join the movement. I am going to resolve in knowing I am not alone and will be working with God to change those days. Paddling toward dry land.

Time is Fleeting

I just laid down with my littlest guy for his nap. Just long enough for him to get comfy and go off to dreamland. For those that know me I rarely do this with him, but lately (since school started) I know he is feeling left out and is begging me to lay with him some at nap time. Today I couldn't resist his adorable eyes begging for "2 seconds please, mommy."

While I laid there listening to his soft breathes as he drifts off to sleep I noticed his little feet in his sweatpants without his shirt... a completely daily normal look he picks out. I got to thinking, as usual, how little amount of pictures I have taken in the last couple weeks and that he is my baby. My baby who is growing more and more into a little guy. 3 years old doesn't seems so little anymore with a 9 year old and 5 year old running around but it is. I treat him so much older most days but he is still just a little guy.

Last week I took a picture of my babes in new shoes standing neatly together. They grow so fast. Time needs to stand still. So many things whirling around. So many decisions each day seem to over ride the small things... Like little boy feet in sweatpants and shirtless arms. Those details matter me. They make him who he is to me. I don't want to miss these moments.

Time is fleeting and I want all the nap time snuggles I can get.

Where would I be without you?

Today marks a special day in our house.

Today one of my babes turns a year older. It also marks the last birthday in the house for our 3 amazing babes. While every year is a milestone this is the big number 5. There seems so much that comes with that number.

Early this year we celebrated 9, two weeks ago we celebrated 3, and today 5.

This Scripted Heart of mine is nostalgic today... Not really wanting to accomplish all I have to do on the mounding to-do list. I want to just sit and stare at the pictures that make up our lives the last 9 years of parenthood. I want to think back to all of the firsts that have been and the firsts that are to come.

I am not sure where I would be without these amazing little people God has placed in my life. I am so thankful!! They inspire me and push me daily. They make me a better person. They complete me. The ground me on days that are tough and raise me up any day with smiles and hearts that prove alone that God is God and God's creation is so very very good!

I thank God daily for these little babes because truthfully I have no idea where I would be without them so as this day continues a special Happy Birthday to my little man. Today he hits a new stage in life and I can't wait to see all that God has in store for him! It's going to be good!

Mindful of the Little Things

Today is not going how I thought it would be. My boys are sick and we are playing the "Go to the doctor or not go to the doctor" game.

As I sit here thinking of all I need to do today I am reminded to think of the little things. To count my gifts and continue my work on cherishing the little things in life. To cherish every moment.

Little fingers wrapped around mine for comfort. 

Little boy rubbing my back as to gently wake me to say "Mommy, my throat still hurts."

The joy of having my children home with me to take care of no matter what is going on with them or in the world.

The sound of my children playing and laughing together. 

Their bond is amazing and their respect and love for each and being around each other is pure bliss.
Days where nothing but play dough gets done but imaginations soar.

Sweet brother so close in age I often hear "Are they twins?" No they are 23 months and 2 weeks apart. While they have their moments... as all siblings let alone brothers have... They are each other's best friends. 

My darling only little girl... who isn't so little anymore. At 9 years old she is by far my best friend. Her heart and willingness to try and tackle all given to her she inspires me daily. It's a total joy to be her mom. 

Her eagerness, even when less desired, to help her brothers or get things for them exhibits a servants heart. Just like Christ has called us to be like.
Her fearlessness to pursue something she's never done before and LOVE it! 

The smell of a clean home. PineSol currently as I just mopped. 

My life. May be little in the large scheme of things. But I am reminded of it. 

And on this Good Friday I am reminded of all I have been given and blessed to enjoy... Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice and love. Without it I wouldn't have any of the above and more! 

I'm linking up with Rachel at Finding Joy today... sharing our favorite things. Come join in.

White Flag Waving... Already.

It's Friday. It's starting out as one of those mornings.

Both boys beds wet.

Pull Up exploaded all over bed and said child.

Water from bath thrown on me.

Husband lost his clean socks due to leaving them on the floor and I picked them up with the laundry.

Turn on computer to have it say your AirPort card isn't installed. What!? Restarted and it works fine.

All 3 children up an hour earlier then the past couple weeks.

Littlest child climbing in and out of the bathtub.

The "Can I's" and "I wants" have already started as well.

Hello Friday! I shall start crying now and pray that by noon I am able to make some coffee. :-/

Parenting Boys.

Parenting has hit a whole new patch for me. My boys have become something else. Ok I should rephrase. One boy has grown to be wild, crazy, and all around different kid lately. The other... well that is how he has been since birth. I feel like I am drowing in this thing called parenting. All I did and knew before has seemed to leap out the window at the faintest sign of whine or tantrum.

Being constant... we are working on. Truth be told when we are out and about as a family I push my husband to be the discipliner and all around guy in charge. I handle them all day at home alone I guess I look at it as I need a break, and it's the turn to see daddy is in charge too. This doesn't always go over very well as he then thinks I am wanting him to take the role of babysitter. Not the case. We discipline differently too. It most certainly has to do with the way we were raised. But there has to be some middle ground to get our one boy back to how he used to be, and well to get the wild one unwild.

Our first born, a girl, has been such a dream child to raise. The boys make me question everything. Daily. We are most certainly in a rough patch in the parenting scheme of things right now. It's not fun that's for sure. Not fun for any of us. I just want them to grow, act, and speak with integrity and respect. Honor and a calm voice. I don't want there to be resentment from anyone due to someone's constant disruption. I see it happening and it's breaking my heart.

Ages 4 and 2.... Not so fun. I am praying this stage ends quickly and they grow out of this because this momma can't take much more.

Compliments... How do you take them?

A couple weeks ago I received a huge compliment on my children from our Associate Pastor. I started joking with him and said what so many of us parents say... " you should see them at home." Bible study was about start so we left it at that and went to our chairs.

Truth is I was floored. I had no idea what to say so I tried making the situation light. We never spoke another thing about it. The problem was I continued to have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that kept screaming "YOU HANDLED THAT WAY WRONG." How to fix it though?

I straight up have no clue how to take a compliment. AT ALL. Never have been able to. Not even from family or friends. I am horrible at it. Horrible I tell you. In the words of my dear husband just a couple weeks ago... "She is so bad at taking a compliment she most of the time says thanks through gritted teeth." Ouch huh?

As soon as he said that nagging in the pit of my stomach came back and I was thrown back to Bible Study, and all the countless other compliments that seem to be thrown at my direction lately. I keep trying to duck them but they keep hitting me in the face and my "I don't know what to say" look.

I am still trying to Biblically research the right way to accept and receive these compliments. I am really at a loss. My normal response to any is just "Thanks." or "Thanks. It's all God." And let's be honest when it comes to anything it really is God, but still I feel I am giving off a horrible impression during these situations.

My feeling was confirmed last week when I walked up to our Associate Pastor to apologize and be honest with him how I and my husband really felt about his outstanding compliment about our children. I told him straight up I stink at taking a compliment and didn't mean to come across as not being sincere or appreciative. I told him that I really had no idea what to say and was sorry it appeared I was joking it off. That we valued his opinion greatly and were floored by the comparison he did of our children.

He very graciously said, with a huge smile, "Thank you for telling me that. It really means a lot." His eyes held though a look of healing. Like I had hurt his heart by my earlier actions regarding his compliment. I was crushed yet felt peace at the same time. I don't want to hurt peoples feelings when they are being sincere. The same has happened when a new friend was complimenting me as well. Same look. Same giggle from me seeming like I am laughing it off, but in truth I just have no idea how to respond.

I don't want to seem ungrateful. I don't want to give off that wrong impression. There is a core issue I feel God is wanting me to work on, on how HE wants me to receive a compliment on a talent or manner of life he has blessed me with. I need a lot of work in this area.

How do you handle compliments?

Do you have any advise or verse(s) I can research on the subject?

I really need some help before I offend someone unknowingly. I really don't want to do that. At the same time I don't want to seem prideful and gloatful (is that a word? no? Ummm not sure what word to use then? forgive me please) or just " yeah thanks." if any of that jumble just made any sense at all.

I want to so badly understand and learn the fine line and proper tone, attitude, approach, etc so that way I can teach and pass this vital key to my children. So when they are faced with these types of compliments and situations they are equipped with the proper knowledge of how to handle these things. I don't feel equipped at all but I would love to be.

Renew Me

Our school year is coming to an end and as proud as I am that we finished so many subjects a month and a half ahead of schedule I have to be real... I don't think we had a lot of fun this year. It literally makes my heart, let alone my eyes, physically cry.

Sure sure I know you don't always hit the marks you set for yourself but if I'm honest I think I was so wishing we were moving and wanting more space for us that I was just wanting to... Get the work done. If that makes sense. We did just that and the carefreeness (is that a word?) wasn't there. Learning happened yes but the laughter and love of it wasn't I don't think.

If you ask my children all they want to do is Homeschool and my husband is so adamant that this is still exactly what God wants us to do. Me? I do too but I feel by my push to just get it done I've failed the desire and love I want and used to have. I think honestly it could be chopped up to that meltdown point we homeschoolers hit sometimes. I think it could also be chopped up to a rambunctious 1 1/2 year that makes me question being a mom at all.

As we close out this year I am heavy hearted and not even sure what to think. I have so much I need and want to work on in this "off season." So much to evaluate. Lots of seeking God on my end for. I need and want to feel renewed and that AHHHHHHHHH YES LORD THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT FOR US NO DOUBT IN MY MIND... MY HEART. I want to teach them and lead them the way HE wants us to.

As long as I am being super raw and real here I can also say the Lord has not been number one lately here in this house. Here in this heart of mine. He wrote my script and I know he knew this time would come up but I am so sad I allowed it to come to fruition. I'm not sure how or where the train jumped the track but I am scrambling to get back... Again!

I think that too has to do with feeling off about our homeschooling year as well. I'm having a hard time seeing the screen right now as the tears are rolling down my cheeks. So please forgive me if this doesn't flow or make any sense at all.

I know the Lord wants us to Homeschool. I feel that with everything but I think the bottom line is I messed it up this year. I got so sidetracked with what we didn't have or felt defeated with all sorts of things. I felt defeated if we were behind, a screaming disruptive little guy, kicking myself for not stopping and just exploring the interest that came up and thinking she'd do it on her own. You name it. I failed. I walked off and let that failure consume and eat a bigger hole away everyday. Because I got sidetracked from all the reasons the Lord laid on our hearts as to why homeschooling was for us.

Lots to change for next year.

Seek me Lord and know my heart. I am seeking your face and asking for forgiveness for allowing worldly life and the "just get it done" lifestyle to take forefront in all the areas in my life you have so greatly shown you want me to do. I feel I have squandered your light and blessing. You have wanted us to enjoy and I don't think I have allowed that to happen. So in fear of if we do... If we laugh and enjoy one part more and don't get to the rest we are just going to get too behind. But that is exactly what you have called us to do. I want to only do what you have scripted for me and my family. I am sorry for yet again trying to be the one controlling. Please help me to rectify and change Lord. For you. For me. For my children. For my husband. Lord please... Renew me.

Beauty in the Cleaning.

Today while deep cleaning my kitchen I couldn't help but think about how I need to be doing this to my soul.

Disinfect it.

Wipe it clean.

I have been so wrapped up in the here and now. Making sure everything is ok... Taking steps towards something even though we haven't seen any path in any direction. In the hustle and bustle of it all I think I have lost sight of the beauty of the ordinary. The process and the cleaning.

Through my cleaning I came across a devotional I won last year. One I had the best of intentions of starting and never did. It too got lost in the hustle and bustle. Moved from this pile to another. I am praying to keep it on top of the pile and start soulfully working out. I want to be physically working out and too and watching my calories and all. Which truthfully was going great for a few days before this weeks bizarre tummy bug that invaded my home.

Ok sorry about that side road tangent... but honestly I need to be more diligent in my walk. In my talk. In my life.

I need that same approach to our homeschool life as well. This year I have been so busy pushing worksheets and the core subjects that sadly History and Science have gone to the wayside. Just like my daily life with God. Diapers, 3 square meals a day, and life seem to be what I have said my core subjects are. Granted we have finished some of our subjects this week and will complete 2 more next week for the year I can't help but think I have jipped us of some laughter and fun along the way. The same way I feel I have missed that with God lately along the way as well.

I need to remember that there is a time and place for everything and that God doesn't call the equipped. He equips those who he calls.

He has called us to homeschool. We can do this completely.

He has called us to figure out our future. He will show the way in which he wants us to go.

He has called us to be parents. We can survive the rough days.

He hears our cries and knows the desires of our hearts and how they match up to HIS desires for us. He is calling for even more cleaning. I have got the soap to disinfect all that I have been doing and thinking and rest in peace knowing God is in control.

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

Psalm 5:1-2

Toes...

These beautiful little toes.

These little guys belong to my ever moving 16 month baby boy. He is my youngest and I have started to joke that if he were my first child my other two children would not be here. God gifted us him. After our second we thought for sure we were done. God however had wonderful plans. The downside to all of this is he is also my loudest! My ears ring from the noise constantly. I can not wait for the talking stage to kick in full force! He is into everything. Way more than the other two ever were.

At times though I feel like all I do is yell. I loath this immensely. That is not the type of mother I want to be, but when I try softer tones its like nothing gets heard. As a parent I feel I am in a rock and a hard spot right now. I want to be loving and nurturing, but to be bluntly honest I count down right now until nap time. It feels like this poor little guy spends a lot of time in time out in his crib for tantrums, yelling, hitting his brother... well you get the point. I feel so drained by the end of the day and I feel some days the other two suffer because of it. School got rushed through or we had to skip a project for a later time because baby boy here was not calming down.

Is there a breaking point!? I feel I may be near.

There are times where he is adorably lovable. The most amazing neck hugs and the cutest little smile. He is so full of joy and love he melts me heart all the time. It's the gentle middle ground in parenting this child I seek the most. The first two felt like a breeze. This one makes me question all that I have learned in these last 7 years of being a parent!

There is a massive lesson in tone and patience that God seems to be working on in me. A lesson in parenting and gently reminding me of times in my life growing up I said I didn't want to do that. I catch myself saying that all the time. "I didn't want to speak that way to my children." "How can I retract and fix all I feel I just broke down?"

I am being so transparent right now. I am hoping in my doing so you can help hold me accountable to continue to strive in being a better mom. The mom God wants me to be. Not the mom I feel I have been. I won't come to regret this because after all this is all part of the script in my life God has written for me to learn from. Grow from. I feel if I put out there my doubts, fears, and struggles maybe we can all see that we are not alone. This script gets emotional at times and is hard to read, but I have no doubt that God would not have given me this wilder child to "mess up" but instead I feel he sent this beautiful ball of energy and spunk to me in order to change me. Grow me. To help me be more understanding, loving, and patient. A trait I can a test has never been my best suit.

So I will look to God as I cry for HELP daily in how to correctly handle each screaming fit, climbing on everything act, and tantrum that seems to be coming my way in a massive flood! I want to be better with my children. Connect with them each on their love style. I want to raise them to love God first and to look to him always. I want to lead by example for good and not in the way I feel I have fallen into. Frustration which leads to lashing out in anger.

Soft words with great impact.

That is what I want to lead and show.

Lord, Help me to lead the way of you. Help to speak softer and not act first and speak second. Help me to raise these precious babes that you have entrusted in my care with nothing but love. Help me to change our legacy.

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9

I want to raise and teach them in the way they should go so they hopefully will not depart from it with loving hands. Ones that listen... really listen. Understands and offers comfort in a manner that is Godly.