Are you "Expecting"

Have you ever sat and wondered why things are the way they are?!

I can't even begin to explain why things are the way they are. It makes zero sense to me at all and I genuinely feel like I am walking out Christ's thoughts are not my own. This is nowhere near a cry for help or whoa is me, but seriously this isn't all entirely the life I asked for.

I hoped to be able to provide for my kids without struggle yet I can only remember a year and 4 months where life wasn't a struggle. I remember telling God I don't know what do with the bountiful that was coming our way and that I didn't want to blow having that much, and now I would give anything to have a sliver of what that was.

I realized in that time I really did hole more hope or security into the fact I could pay bills, pay for needs, and had money left over, and now I pray about how to cover 10% tithe and groceries out of the same paycheck.

Why is the struggle so real?
What is the lesson we are to learn at this moment?
What truth of God's provision are we to live the example of?

Because let's be honest the only way we make it day by day is because of his provision. The provision of credit card debt is evident too. Let's not cover up that fact, but the truth is... a way has happened to provide. Maybe not provide fully things that shouldn't have been provided for. I'd love to be debt free again. Maybe someday we can live that way again before my oldest leaves the house. But the truth is we've always had a roof over our heads. Food, whether the healthiest or not, has graced our table, and we haven't lost each other.

We did life backwards.
Our marriage has been anything but easy.

Yet, through it all, in the times of doubt on each other and God.... God always was faithful. I know that even in this time of struggle we didn't count on, God will also still be faithful.

This year I am to "expect."

I don't know what I am to expect but I am expecting to expect, and can't wait to see!

I pray that while you may be struggling that you too are to expect... and know.... that HE WILL SHOW UP!

The flood will come.

And at some point.

The dry season will be over.

Ice, Words, and Valleys oh my...

Here in Texas, we are hearing all over the news to drive with caution as an arctic cold front is headed our way that could produce the slightest bit of ice. Ice trucks are prepared for the roads, but mind you there is no real percent of precipitation mentioned.

Yet, they are prepared.

Some may say over-prepared, it has been a while since Dallas saw anything significant in weather, but still, they are ready and telling us to be cautious.

It raises the question though, Are you over prepared for the possibility for anything to come in life? Or are you just taking things day by day and hope that you are prepared.

Before the question raised though I was smacked with a visual. A visual of ice on part of my yard and my dead grass visible on the other part of my yard. I was thinking, man the parallel of this hitting near New Years seems quite symbolic.

It's as if 2017 is being frozen in its tracks; a clear line of ending, and then 2018 beginning.
A thaw of new coming.

The day things are supposed to be thawed out here is January 3rd. The day we take our first trek south for a speech and debate tournament. A new normal for us if you will. A new job a few months ago. New financial low at the end of this year. Promises whispered throughout 2017 though.

I don't know what to make of it all. I don't know what is to come.

This year my husband and I had words laid on our hearts for 2017. His was "change" and mine was the word "still." To think back on all of the change we never saw coming or thought that that word meant back in January brings tears to my eyes.

5 different companies he worked for

Left one job we'd been at for 5 years for what he thought was a better opportunity to be fired 6 months later

2 1/2 months of unemployment

I started working part-time

An entirely new industry for my husband, again

Financial low... lowest in 14 years

Parenting moments we never saw coming

We attended a wedding and a funeral this year. 

This year brought it all.

And through it, all God has never let us fall. Never be without. God math blows my ever loving mind. There was no way that back in January we were prepared for the "change" that God has brought to our land or the "stillness" we felt when the world was fallout out below our feet.

Is Texas ready for this weekend? I don't know. Will they even have anything to be ready for, maybe not this weekend but at some point, something will come. This could just be good practice for them for what is to come.

I have no idea what words for the year my husband and I will hear. The words our children even heard for themselves this last year would give you goosebumps in looking back at what they have walked through as well.

2018 has plans. God wrote them a long time ago. Whatever 2018 holds we will praise Him because in the end... this isn't our eternity anyway, and how we handle the battles before us we help shape the eternity for someone else. What glory are you giving to God in the valley you are walking in? Eyes are watching.

Through our journey this year a story was shared with me of a vision a friend was given during a low in their lives. He asked me to envision a mountainous valley... peaks and valleys. Simple enough right? He then asked me to envision the tree line and asked me where I saw it. "Near the bottom," of course, was my response. He said, "exactly." He proceeded to say, "don't you see it? The growth happens in the valleys, not at the peaks."

I wanted to cry right then and there. In the valley is where we grow. That place we want out of so bad because we are being refined. And even that word hits hard. Refined. But the point remains.... growth happens in the valleys... not on the peaks.

How are you responding to what might possibly be coming your way?
If a valley is what you are currently in or about to walk into, or what you are walking out of remember this is the spot where growth is taking place.
Have you already heard your word for 2018?

Whatever comes your way hold tight to know that "all Your promises are yes and amen!"

How do you see yourself?

I read a Facebook question posted a little bit ago asking you brag about yourself. Now, no this wasn't so much of a toot your own horn as much as the author wanted you to affirm yourself. Speak life over yourself.

So often we don't speak life over ourselves. We are our own worst enemies after all, right?

If I'm completely transparent I didn't post, I didn't even open the comments. I can't bring myself to do it.

How come?

I am in a season where watching others succeed is hard. I mentally can't handle it. But more so I have never been good at speaking life over myself. Yes, I can stand tall and proud and proclaim and know that I am the daughter of The King. I struggle with seeing me as He does though. I don't know my best quality and I struggle with how I look, how I talk, how I feel.

Why do we let Satan have such a hold like that over our lives when the author of life declares over us we are His? That we are made in His image and He sees life and good oozing out of all the parts He made that are us.

Why the struggle to point that out in ourselves?

We have no struggle pointing them out in others. Why is the inner question such a struggle?

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Are you able to "brag about yourself?" To affirm yourself?

Christ gave each of us such unique gifts and talents. Gifts and talents that compliment those He has placed in our paths. Why do we struggle to live in that? Christ sees us so beautifully. Why do we not see ourselves as Christ sees us?

I have never been good at taking compliments. Ever. There are many reasons I could place as to why but I'm not sure anymore how many of those are true or I've just thought them for so long I believe they are true.

We have exactly what God wants us to have. We are strong in the areas He wants us to be strong in and weak in the areas He wants us to be weak in. I'm here today to tell you, and myself, that that is okay. We are meant to have the different strengths and weakness so we can walk alongside each other as the body of Christ not out shining each other but as one solid unit. Covering the areas Christ wants us to.

Why do we walk defeated when we should be walking victoriously? Why do I struggle with recognizing the talents God has bestowed upon me to walk in?

The author of the post said, "God made you to be awesome so I just want you to share a little bit of it with us."

I'm not sure I'm ready to share on there or here. I have a lot of seeking and healing to do. I need to mend the parts of me that struggle with calling those qualities out in myself, but I know that in Christ I'll get there. I'm here to declare today that I am not going to let Satan continue to hold that part of me down.

I pray that if you struggle, as I do, that you declare that over your life as well. I will be praying for you.

Claim today that...

Meal Planning... What do you do?

So, let's be honest summer is drawing closer and closer to the finish line. Life is about to beckon more of a schedule and plan as activities and school hit full swing.

I don't know if you are like me but if I don't have a meal plan written out meals don't get made or there is a very little change that takes place. Meals then are boring and I hear a lot of "ugh not that again." All that changed when I found Plan to Eat.

Have you heard of them?

No?
Oh, let me share!

Yes?
I'd love to hear your thoughts!

I have tried so many methods of meal planning over the years. You know the trusty 'ole spiral notebook, free printable calendars, phone, etc and nothing worked because I always got stuck with taking the meal titles and transferring over to a grocery list. That part has always been so daunting to me. Looking at a pile of recipes and individual ingredients makes me twitch. 

Plan to Eat took that away for me! 

I love the idea of sites like eMeals but I have picky eaters in my house and I struggled with coming to terms with paying for a service that may include meals that a.) my budget can't afford and b.) meals my family wouldn't want to eat. 

With Plan to Eat every recipe I add, from ANY website through their add to PTE toolbar button, I know they are meals that sound appealing to my family. I know that I am planning meals that may be hits or not but at least I picked them. 

I love that I can pin a recipe on Pinterest and go to the site holding the beloved meal I'd love to try, click Plan to Eat's add button from my toolbar and this wonderful and they... THEY... import that recipe FOR ME into MY recipe box within my Plan to Eat account. Then the next time I go to meal plan that recipe is already ready and waiting for me to move it over into my meal plan calendar.

As you can see here below that the new recipe I have added now appears on my sidebar under "recently added." All I have to do now is drag and drop into my calendar!

That's.It.

I love how they color code it per meal section as well as allowing me to add extra ingredients or notes wherever I'd like. 

Now, if that wasn't enough to make you giddy let me share with you this gem that has seriously changed my life! 

Notice those 3 tabs up on the top of the last picture that say... cook, plan, shop... ? Well, that cook tab is where all your recipes are held. You can edit them from either screen, the cook or plan. You can give each recipe keywords in order to sort your recipes as you desire as well. That shop button though is my favorite! 

Once I have placed my meals, ingredients, etc into my calendar Plan to Eat instantly creates the shopping list for me!! 

That's right! 

Plan to Eat takes everything the recipe has stored and generates a shopping list for you. All you have to do is move what meals you want where and go to shop and print your list! You do have the option of setting up stores and only printing based on store or department. Yes, they even separate it by the department. 

Does anyone else hear the angels singing!? 

People let me tell you what... that was it... I was sold. Someone who did the frustrating part for me. Sign me up! All that is left me to do before getting online to grocery shop or go to the store was to simply go down the pre-generated list and click the boxes of what I don't need. Soooooo much easier than going through each recipe to see every ingredient and make a list that way. 

Another glorious feature is that they code every.single.recipe.listed and you can print their code. I LOVE this because there may come a time that I can't find 3 ingredients for a certain meal but if they weren't coded I may not remember they all went to the same meal. I can here though. Each ingredient is represented by a letter(s) and I can then look at the recipe key to see what meal it is for. I then can decide if I want to just scratch that entire meal or not. 

As you are walking the aisle, add the price next to each item, if you'd printed your list, and now you have a price list you can work off of when you are planning next! 

I am telling you Plan to Eat has utterly changed our lives. There was a time we weren't sure we could afford to renew our membership and we went a couple months without Plan to Eat. I promise that did not last long. We will always have a Plan to Eat membership because it has literally taken the stress out of meal planning and planning to shop for me. 

I promise this amazing system will change your life too! 

Want to try it for yourself? Plan to Eat offers a 30-day free trial and after your 30 days if you absolutely love it you can buy a yearlong membership for... are you ready for it?

JUST $39/YEAR! 

What!!?? 

I spend $39+ just by going to the grocery store without a list, or a list that is horribly organized! $39 for 365 at my fingertips easy meal planning and grocery list generation. Yes, please! 

I'd love to hear how you meal plan or if you try Plan to Eat out.  This system has seriously changed our lives! 

There are affiliate links included in this post but I was not given anything in exchange for this review. I just wanted to share what we have found and has worked incredibly well for our family. 

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God has plans for him! I'm glad he's mine.

Can I take a moment to share about this man?

This man right here is something else. He has been put through the ringer over the last 2 years. Yet he selflessly dedicates his time to making sure he is accomplishing projects that need to be finished. Working any bit of hours needed in order to provide. Tirelessly working on very little sleep to squeeze in everything he needs/wants to get done. He's had a family member tell him that he got the short end of the stick lately yet this man keeps his head up and knows unwaveringly that God is in control.

He hasn't given up.

Of course, there have been tears. There have been moments of "I don't understand and why?" Yet he buckles down and does that needs to be done without complaint or fear. His heart in the last two years, and so much more even in the last week, blows me away that he isn't prideful at all when seeking where he needs to be. He puts himself last all the time.

I am so incredibly proud to be his wife. 

I am so incredibly proud to be walking life with him. 

His heart and focus. 

God has plans for him. My heart aches for that to be revealed to him. For the weight on his shoulders to lift but I know that even if God chooses not to allow that on this side of eternity he will do all he can to make sure he is honoring God in all he does.

We are so blessed to walk these valleys, mountains, and roads with him. He is such a blessing to our family.

Thank you for letting me take a moment to share about him.

You will sway and bend but you won't break

What do you see when you look at this picture? Probably nothing special right? You may even be asking why is she posting something so random? Well, last night I was on my way to go pick up my daughter from youth and singing along to a song when our nightly train rolls by. I've always loved trains and last night I caught myself staring at the tracks. I was watching one part just off to the side of the concrete as it swayed up and down as each set of wheels rolled over it. As I was watching it seemingly sway and bounce up and down God whispered this sweet symbolism to me.

"You are like this railroad track. It bends and bows; it is swaying to the movement and the weight of each car that rolls over it. It is bending as the weight "of the world" is speeding over the top of it. Seemingly that piece of track doesn't know when the weight of the world will hit it next but it moves with it when it does. It doesn't break. It doesn't snap. It is solid just like we are when we are firm in Christ. The weight of the world right now will not break you. It feels heavy and it'll bend you, but you will sway and bounce with it as the world is rushing over you but that is okay, you are solid in me and soon the train will pass."

I was utterly giddy after that. The light turned green and down the road I went in complete awe of what I just heard. I can promise I will never look at a stretch of railroad tracks the same way again.

this is only a scene it is not our story

There it goes again.

Did you feel it?

The floor fell out once again.

I don't understand what is going on. I don't understand where God is leading or wanting for all of us. I don't understand the point. I'm trying but clarity hasn't come yet. I know someday the bridge will have to come from the here and now to the understanding on the other side of this chasm.

I'm ready.

I don't know what else the chasm holds. I feel like we have hit the utter rock bottom, but as scary as that is and no glimmer of light ahead, I know God knows the light. I have peace. I want to curl up on the bed and rock and in the same breath I want to kick tail, scream, yell, and Zena Warrior Princess change the situation. I want to prove them all wrong and rock the problems to the curb.

The tears fall and I don't understand fully as to what each represents.

I was reminded though, coincidentally yesterday... when the world quit spinning, that this is only a scene it is not our story!

Steven Furtick of Elevation Church shared this clip on Friday morning. I shared it based on the caption alone. Little did I know only a handful of hours later as my world shattered this video would speak to directly where we are.

You can't judge what God's going to do in your life in the future by what's happening right now. pic.twitter.com/ddqldTNUDN

— Elevation Church (@ElevationChurch) July 21, 2017

The correlation God has brought to my soul of how we are like Joseph here gives me goosebumps. It makes me think back to October 2016 (a year after our life was turned upside down the first time) how God revealed to my soul that we were like Paul and Silas in prison.

Paul and Silas thrown in prison and Joseph being thrown into a pit to be sold but his loved ones. People he trusted and did life with daily. That is how the last job felt.

Then Joseph sold to be a servant. The next scene he didn't ask for, didn't really want, but it was to be played out anyway. This had to have been super uncomfortable for him. I would've been walking around moving the water jugs and moving the oxen mumbling to myself, "Don't they realize I am favored by my father?" But no, he didn't. He went about doing the work set before... minding his own business. Yet there was still someone else set out to destroy him. Malice intent. Staged evidence against him and falsely accused him.
This proved to be the most recent job.

I love how Steven said, "If you keep looking at the pit you are going to miss the palace."

Whoa.

Seriously. We can't let this scene wall us in to forgetting that we are the children of the Most High King. He has not failed us. He won't fail us. Do you not realize where Joseph ended up? The pit and the palace did not hold him down. God wasn't done with him then. God isn't done with us now.

The unknown is so utterly scary when I let my head try to add everything up and come up with a game plan. Truth be told there is no humanly way possible that I can see this can be sustained for long. Just since Friday morning, the outpouring of love and prayer over our family has overwhelmed us.

God's goodness overflows.

God has a plan. We don't know what that looks like but when I sit back and remember that God has already seen the end of the road it's comforting.

I'm sad.
I'm mad.
I'm hurt.

I'd be lying if I said that my head isn't willing the phone to ring for an interview. That for the sake of my children they see change flow soon. That the even worse case scenario doesn't have to play out. There is no promise through, of course, that it won't. The only promise is that God is good all the time.

I am holding on to this verse. God has seen the way. This is nothing like we even had our heads wrapped around almost 2 years ago when this journey started. All thoughts of "maybe this" have been stripped away.

I simply have no clue.

But I know that even if we lose it all God's reasoning will be told in the end. I pray for strength for my family. I pray we hold onto God. I pray the phone rings and direction is revealed.

He shook the prison gates open for Paul and Silas and brough the jail guard and his family to Christ.
He gave Joseph the palace and a way to provide not only for his family during the famine but all of Eygpt.

He has a way for us too...

Take Me Deeper... Take Courage My Heart...

Have you ever wanted something so deeply but unsure how to make it come to fruition?

I have felt that way with many things and these days it seems to be a growing list, but one thing that weighs heavy on my heart is a closer walk with God. I can't get enough of Him and long to just bathe in His presence everyday, but so many times I keep repeating "I will sit with Him once the kids quiet down, or go to bed, or...." take your pick. It's all been said and before you know it the day is spent and so am I.

There are so times I will get up when my husband is getting ready for work and I will sit quietly in God's presence but then I don't want to stop and then the kids wake up late, and yep... life. I then feel like I am behind the ball for the rest of the day despite that I started my day with my Heavenly Father.

Why is that?

Why is it that Satan has a hayday with making us push things off or instantly dangle anvils over our heads? Is there a happy medium?

I heard a song today and it made my heart stop, for so many reason, but one reason was because I feel paralyzed with wanting to seek time with God deeper and yet sometimes I beat myself up because it isn't as deep as I'd like. There are times it feels numb because of life's constant tosses to and fro of the waves that keep crashing into us before it hits the shore. Not sure where to start. Like the words to speak to Him are tied so tight around my tongue that I'm sure how to unwind them so I don't try.

I forget so many times that I need not say a word but to just read His Word and let His whispers wash over me. 

Why do I forget that?

Yes He wants me to talk to Him but He wants me to sit with Him too. To listen to Him. To just be with Him.

Why do I forget that?


Am I the only one that feels that way?

I have a couple studies and books sitting on my to-read/ to-do shelf lately. Do you? Do yours seem to carry a theme? Do you notice your books ever cycle like that? Is it just me?

I'm trying not to get stuck in the rut of "it isn't fixed" because I so desperately don't want to miss what "is."

I'm going to declare no more paralyzed feelings but more sitting in His presence.

Going deeper still...

Taking courage that it doesn't matter what life is throwing up being with Him and embracing all He has graced us with is what matters.

"He is in the waiting..." He's just waiting for us to come sit with Him...

He is in the valleys and the mountain tops. He just wants us to sit with Him. To bask in Him. Satan has done such a good job with playing with our minds that we have to do more than that, but we don't. It's all about the relationship. The time spent together. Where He talks to us and we talk to Him.  He just wants us to be with Him. To go deeper still...

Why do we complicate that?

He just wants us to be STILL in His presence... Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul... 

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Laundry, Dishes, Summertime, and Dust Bunnies, Oh My!

June was a total blur... I'm still not sure of how it went so fast!

I looked up Five Minute Friday's prompt today thinking I'd love to link up again, but when I saw it was "Play" I knew there was no way I was going to be able to write one in 5 minutes. June was wayyyyy to busy of a month.

We finished school.
My nephew graduated high school.
The boys had a 2 week long day camp.
My daughter volunteered for a week at a local assisted equine therapy summer camp.
My daughter and I went to Student Life Mission Camp with our youth group.
We had a week of VBS

We got to go enjoy the waterpark a little, a couple movies, and a library trip. But I don't think we felt a slow lazy summer day... yet.

and then July started...

... and I'm not sure one will exist here either. Although this week we haven't really had anything going on it feels too exhausting sitting at home too. Haha! A fort was made yesterday! That was nice.

Summer days seem to be changing. Work and play blend together most days. I long for a fire pit and roasted marshmallows. Tiki torches and long nights outside staring at the stars. Water balloon fights and silly string wars.

Oh I should hit the dollar store! *wink wink*

Okay, back at it.
July is about to get busy again.
For the kids anyway.

Today all three of them are headed off to a local week long overnight local camp. My daughter is excited to be a leader and the boys each to attend. I'm praying it's going to be a great week for them and that growth fills their hearts! I can't wait to hear all about it.

With that being said... MOMMA HAS THE HOUSE TO HERSELF FOR THE WEEK! Daddy will be working all day, home about 5:30, and then back to work by 11:15. Whatever will I do? I can't remember a time E V E R I've had this much "free" time available. Although truth be told I'll fill it with all sorts projects on my to-do list but still. The house is going to be awfully quiet next week.

Then we have birthday party sleepover coming up, dog sitting, 2 boys birthdays in our house, speech and debate camp for a week, a week long trip with Grandpa & Grandma for one, a 2 night stay out of town with grandparents before they leave, and 2 weeks after all of that crazy SCHOOL STARTS!

Seriously... what gives!? I almost feel like I need a summer from my summer. Keeping busy has been good for my thoughts, but bad at the same time.

Summers sure seem fleeting anymore don't they?

Knock Knock...

"Who's there?"

"Life..."

"Oh, you're still there?"

Life doesn't seem to let up around here. Full calendars, empty tanks, mounds of worry still plaguing our every seconds. How do you let it go?

The life we thought was going to start taking a turn for some relief has only seemed to make our lungs even tighter as time moves on. The air seems to be getting thinner. The cloud we felt so strongly was coming has yet to show itself. The much needed downpour, heck at this point I'd take a drizzle, has yet to come in the form we thought it would.

Yet, a drizzle has come... just not in the way we hoped for. In fact 2 part time jobs (in addition to one full time job) now hold up part of the calendar and the inner turmoil, spoken and unspoken, that not only we feel but our children too is taking a toil on the family we used to be.

There are countless ways that through all of the "this isn't going to cover what is needed" moments since all of this began, almost 2 years ago, God has provided in overwhelming ways. More so since February when the first job change came to our household. The job change that still brings tears to the eyes of little boys who don't understand why Daddy can't be with construction right now. The job that hasn't brought the commission we prayed it would to help take off the edge of worry that has built up over this time span.

I need to sit and put pen to paper though for all of the Ebenezer stone moments that God has had show up to help us make it each month. A part time job for me that I never saw the opportunity coming. One that still blows me away and worries me at the same time. Homeschooling will still take place but it'll be way different that at same time. My heart is still processing how it feels about that.

And then he provided a second job for my husband. One that sounded great until the hours were laid down. Until you tuck your children into bed at night and there is either a "I'm fine" walls built back up or tears streaming down their faces saying, "I don't want Daddy to go." The thought for them is hard to go to sleep and know Daddy isn't going to be home sleeping in the next room as they do.

I am fully aware of how much of this is the same story all around the world, day in and day out. Hats off to those who do this for countless hours. I'm incredibly grateful for a way to help, but I feel so consumed with sadness over it needing to be done for financial and insurance reasons that I feel it is sucking the life out of all of us. We can't seem to enjoy anything or plan anything because life is still jam packed with "we can't afford to do this" or "we have work so we can't go do that"...

"Kids are resilient... they will understand... they will get over it..." and so the sayings continue to go. I lived so many parts of that growing up and I wanted so desperately for my children to not have to to the extent that I did. I feel walls of bitterness and resentment being built towards us and the continued situation and towards God. As much as that kills me in the same human light I'm not sure I can blame them.

I don't understand what is going on either. I don't have a single answer or direction to steer them. I have fears of how are we going to provide for the school year activities to come. The dates ahead have big price tags on them. God has shown up in ways we never calculated already and I know He is faithful and will do so again but my lungs long for a glimpse of up ahead. Just to know they can breathe. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are in a battle to join each other on the same page once again.

Crawling into a hole and feeling sorry for ourselves would be lovely but of course we can't do that. There have been great moments that we need to hold on to, but when life as you knew it, the family dynamic that used to seem so peaceful, doesn't feel that way it's hard to look at the positive. The "I don't want to feel so I put on a mask moments" are suffocating to walk through. Not only for the one putting on the mask but others around who feel the backlash of those others "pretending" and "going through the motions."

God has a plan.
That's what we say.
And He does ultimately.

I just can't for sure, that for us, say if it'll ever be what we caught a glimpse of a couple years ago again. A moment in time we thought our struggle was turning. A moment we thought we would finally be able to breathe and provide without the tears of numbers on the paper. When the kids were younger it was one thing but watching them understand as a they grow is something entirely different.

This isn't how we pictured life to be.
It could be far worse.
It could be far more upside down.

So much of the life we have had hasn't changed at all. Just the heartache of the situation as clouded our view. There are moments I sit back and think of where we've come from and how much it's grown. That's hard to explain to the kids of course. They either weren't born then or can't comprehend the differences.

I guess the long and the short of this all is that life is hard. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Things don't just always go okay. We've been provided for. Not in ways we thought we would be, which is good and hard. Growing moments in our children's lives are taking places. Moments I never thought they would experience and ones that have me on my knees for constantly. Ones I pray for relief for for them. I sit and ask myself "will they ever not be angry or set up roadblocks in their own lives?" As I walk so much of this road that we are on my eyes have been opened to how much of all of this goes on around us. How many times are we not even aware of it because we are so wrapped up "being okay", planning vacations without thinking, and placing all your orders for groceries or needs without much worry or thought.

I pray for relief from this storm. I pray my husband isn't so exhausted anymore. That confidence washes over him once again. I pray that we can stand on the mountain top with smiles and lungs breathing fully and that we feel a renewed vigor. Souls restored. Our souls have been chipped in ways I didn't anticipate. Restoration of them would be amazing.  I pray that should we ever get to reach the mountain top this side of eternity that we don't lose sight of those sitting in the situations we are sitting in right now. That we throw ourselves back into the trenches to walk alongside them and help carry their mats in any way we can.

I want us to be whole again. I pray for the parts of us that have been chipped away and changed, that while in many ways changed forever, that they are made new once again. Made new with intensity and realness. Deeper roots. Stronger than before. More real and no more motions.

Should relief never come our way... I pray for the same above and that our souls are transformed just the same.

It's not the road we thought we'd be walking. It's hard to comprehend. It's hard to parent understanding when they have questions, spoken and unspoken, that we can't help give answers to. And let's be honest, the "churchy" answers aren't always wanted because we have all walked that with rolled eyes and a mumble under our breath of "yea yea yea I know..." It doesn't help soften the blows.

But despite all of that God is faithful.
He knows the reasons.

We aren't just walking aimlessly with no purpose, no matter how Satan wants us to feel, and we need to continue to walk in this battle. Somedays fully armed and somedays with depleted resources... either way, we always are walking with at least something.

We just need to remember that.

I'm not the pilot

Do you ever sit and feel like you just can't give another inch.

You sit and think about this rollercoaster we call life and feel more like you are a fighter jet zigging and zagging the enemy's laser precision bullets. Your jet slips some but you hurry to put it back up so you can continue the fight. Battled and bruised you strap your helmet back on and resume position.

Life is hard y'all.

Excuses are easy.
Laying flat in defeat is easy.
The longing for change is real.
Homesickness is real.

I remind myself that while it feels like we are in the pilot seat of this fighter jet trying desperately to make it to the end of this war alive; we aren't the ones truly piloting the plane.

We're simply passengers.

While sitting in the passenger seat I can't help but try to catch my breath once more as the jet dips and sways wondering what altitude will actually take us down? How can we do more? Not for ourselves but to help the jets around us fighting the same fight? How can we turn the camera from us and help others instead.

This season has been about of a lot of receiving, which I am not good at. This season has been a lot of dreaming. Dreaming of doing something more. Something bigger. This season has held a lot of, "hold on to your seats boys! It's going to be rocky for a bit."

My chest hurts from holding my breath. My eyes hurt from the moments of them being clinched shut afraid to see what's up ahead. The bullets whizzing by in the night leave streaks in your memory of duck and roll. Our battle isn't with flesh and blood. It really is fought in the deep trenches of the spiritual world.

We need to remember that we can exhale because the true pilot knows where He is piloting us to. We can exhale because we are the ones sitting in the seats beside Him. He is calm and cool as a cucmber about each inch covered.

When will we stop ducking and peeking around the seats of the jet and start sitting confidentally ready to take on the world and make a difference?

The more we say we can't... the more we never will.

Are you going to get up and do something today? Please don't just sit and say you can't fight; You can.

Remember your hands aren't holding the steering wheel, and you can make a difference even now... in the muck of your yuck... you can start to change the world.

I need the reminder to start too...

Daily shortcomings

Wanna hear a hard realization I just had.

It's gut wrenching to think about.

This year with schooling has hands down been our worst year in 9 1/2 years of homeschooling. Utterly awful. Arguments all the time. Apathy like no ones business, and more "I just want to check the box than take it deep and meaningful" then my heart wants to accept.

I would say I've failed this year. Easily. I would love a do over.

But what kills me the most... is I... yes me!... have been so overwhelmed with life and attitudes and repeating myself that on the good moments I have failed even more to say sincerely, "I'm proud of you!"

I just sincerely said that to my youngest son and it hit me like a ton of bricks... the question of "when was the last time you actually said that!? And meant it!?"

Ouch ouch ouch!!

Why is it so easy to tear down than build up?

I can't help but think of that old adage "it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile."

Well, isn't that the case with encouraging our children? Why do we always choose the hard way? There is so much I want to erase and rebuild. So much of a legacy I thought I had been changing only to wake and realize, in some ways, it never changed as I hoped.

I need to get more intentional about hands clasped over my mouth and thinking before talking.

I'm grateful for grace.
I'm grateful for second chances.
I'm grateful...

But I need to change this apathy and get back to the heart of putting what I was called to do first and not the check off list. Their hearts and true learning and memories are more important than what I need to do after school is done or the argument that always seems to follow these days.

They are more important and they need to hear it, feel it, and know it.
Just keepin' it real...

What was dead will come back to life...

"What was dead will come back to life"... (Sweet words God just whispered to me...)

It's been a hard parenting season lately.

Hard on the heart and it makes a longing for earlier times when life wasn't so hard. Someday, Lord willing, I can go into detail about it, but right now He's asking me to keep walking it without sharing.

I walked out front this evening as my husband and boys were playing four square with a sweet neighbor boy and saw this.

It took my breath away.

I stopped in my tracks and just wanted to cry.

We long ago thought these tulips we planted a year ago were dead and gone. Yet here they are sprouting again. I can't help but feel Christ whispering to me "I am raising something new. You had written them off, but I was busy under the surface."

 I have so much prayer and hope for the new.

My soul is weary and I'm ready for new. 

I'm ready for restored. 

I'm ready for rebuilt. 

I'm ready for strength to return. 

But not just for me; for every member of my family. Each in their own way. So much of "us" has left recently. Has changed. It's hard to watch the waste away at all of the same time knowing the refining is happening.

The New will poke though in His timing. What I think is dead is really only growing under the surface until He calls it forth to reach forth towards the sun.

My soul hangs on for that moment. The moment of breathing above the surface to happen again. The moment it feels all is going to be okay again. Stronger than before.

It'll come.

I will continue to praise Him until and after that day comes. Even if it doesn't come... He is still good and has His plan through it all. His glory will be revealed through every inch.

Without a doubt. 

These two songs keep playing on repeat in my heart. God is yearning for me to spending some one on one time writing out their lyrics and crying my heart out to Him through them. There is so much my heart cries out through both. I desperately need some quiet pen and paper time for what my heart feels with the following lyrics.

He is doing something new with us... 

I have this hope it'll come... 

and even if what I hoped and thought would be our family doesn't come... 

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL.

We remember all the great things You have done

We believe that greater things are still to come

We remember all the great things You have done

We believe that greater things are still to come

There is a Cloud coming...

Man, the updates I have to share. I've stared at blank pages of my journal for the last 2 weeks trying to put together the string of words to adequately describe what's going on and words escape me every time. I try to look upon this little white box and it's blinking cursor and words continue to evade me. The multitude of words though in my heart and my head, the jumble of words I try to formulate to converse with God are so all over the place I pray He is piecing them together like a puzzle.

He stitches each part of our lives in such a beautiful woven tapestry for us to see as he turns a corner for us as one section ends and a new is about to begin. I pray that He is seeing more of the puzzle of my words form for Him as well. The beauty of what He is shaping right now blows my mind. A old is about to end and a new is about to begin. The emotion of that is too strong. And it's so strong it isn't just us, husband and wife, it affects, but also our children. Our jobs and environment affect them too. This is a chapter of closing for them as well. Tending to their hearts in this bittersweet moment words are still evasive in those moments as well. No one quite knows what to say. Everyone is sad and happy at the same time. It's the end of a chapter.

One we thought would be a long one. 

We are all excited for the new though. It's been so orchestrated by God that though I fought and argued and dug my heels for months... it really is undeniable this is a God move. 

What do you do in the moments where you want to pour out, document, make your Ebenezer, yet you have no words? 

All I know is "There is a Cloud" that God is forming and that scares me... in an exciting kind of way. I feel like God brought this song to me in a way I could dissect each line and take sermon notes on it. The way it hits me; overwhelms me. The timing to which He presented this song to my heart. I still have not fully grasped that "the dry season" is about to be over. I'm not all entirely sure I ever will. The thought alone brings me to tears I can't explain. It's been so engulfing to us the last 16 months, the seeking, the praying, the digging for our roots to grow deeper, we've tangibly seen and felt the hand of God, we've watched our children grow and deepen their faith as well.

I love the digging.

It's hard work but so incredibly worth it. I love the visual God brings to me with the digging. The massive system of roots He has growing down beneath us. The deeper they go the stronger we stand as the hurricane force winds hit us with each weather pattern of life. Each time, no matter the direction, a little harder, we stand a little stronger. I visualize the cedars of Lebanon. It bends but it doesn't break. I love where we have grown to in this season and I pray with all that I have that doesn't stop as the floods start to come. I struggle to write that last line. I struggle accepting compliments, I struggle receiving blessing. I don't want complacency to come back in and go back to a place where we've mentally been before. Apathy isn't welcome here. We have to fight tooth and nail to stay in this place of humility where those around us can't tell where we start or stop because all they see is the image of God.

I've been reminded this season that God can do above and beyond all that we can ever imagine (Ephesians 3:20). I wish I could formulate into words what God spoke to me with this verse months ago through a YouTube video of a Priscilla Shrier sermon. I still have one of those hands to head "mind blown" feelings about this verse. It seriously blows my mind that he wants to go beyond our beyond.

I sit and think on that and reflect on His wanting to bless us and stop and go, "but I'm not worthy." I want to just sit at your feet and be blessed by Your words coming to life for me. Any other blessing is simply material. Your words in my heart stirring to life a visual of me walking the dirt roads tangibly living out the same moments... that is eternal! That is the blessing! I don't feel worthy of anything else. Yet, to whatever capacity He is wanting to move in this season of upcoming rain, in the clouds He is forming, He says we are. Multiple people have come up to us and said His blessing is coming. "Get ready." I still struggle wrapping my head around that. Should God choose to bless beyond our beyond I pray we humbly reflect Him in only a way that mirrors the moon reflecting the sun. The moon does not shine on its own and we do not shine on our own. I pray we never never forget that.

None of this has been of us.

None of it.

I pray we never lose sight of the growth we've had, the path we've taken, and whatever the next storms of life may be (whether mole hills or steep mountains), that we continue to walk in the steps of Christ before us. Because no matter how rough the road is if His steps are there He's said it's safe enough to walk.

I don't know what the road ahead for us looks like. There are so many parts of this journey ahead that is uncharted territory for us. A way that we have never taken before. Mental hurdles of understanding and acceptance still walk with us, but we have peace. We have comfort because not a single time did God ever leave our side and He isn't planning to now either.

God is alive and moving. Not just in my life but in all of our lives. We just need an ear turned to listen and heart turned to seeking and receiving. He has a lot to say. A lot to breathe life into again.

I don't know what season you are in... just walking out of one, in one, or about to walk into one... whichever part of the path you are on hold strong... Christ is walking with you and He has his story to tell through you. You get to walk this path and show how mighty He is. It may not feel like it... but what an honor He chose you to share this part of His story!

What new normal are you walking into?

[Verse 1]
Hear the Word, roaring as thunder
With a new, future to tell
For the dry, season is over
There is a cloud, beginning to swell

[Verse 2]
To the skies, heavy with blessing
Lift your eyes, offer your heart
Jesus Christ, opened the Heavens
Now we receive, the Spirit of God

[Chorus]
We receive Your rain
We receive Your rain

[Verse 3]
Every seed, buried in sorrow
You will call, forth in its time
You are Lord, Lord of the harvest
Calling our hope, now to arise

[Chorus]
We receive Your rain
We receive Your rain
We receive Your rain
We receive Your rain

[Bridge]
Like a flood; like a flood
We receive Your love
When You come

Like a flood; like a flood
We receive Your love
When You come

Like a flood; like a flood
We receive Your love
When You come

Like a flood; like a flood
We receive Your love!

[Verse 4]
And with great, anticipation
We await, the Promise to come
Everything, that You have spoken
Will come to pass, let it be done!

[Chorus]
We receive Your rain
We receive Your rain
We receive Your rain
We receive Your rain

[Outro]
Ohh-ohh-ohhh, ohh-ohhh, ohh-ohhh
Ohh-ohh-ohhh, ohh-ohhh, ohh-ohhh ...