I know not the norm for a parent to do. I can't remember many time I ever heard my parents tell me that growing up but I want to change our legacy and humbling myself at their feet and apologize. I had to look at my daughter and tell her I'm sorry I said what I did out of my own defaults of "hurt you before you can hurt me.", and that when she defaults to the same thing it only kills me more because I know I have shown that example.
No one tells you how hard parenting will be growing up. You grow up looking at your parents like they have it all together. Did my parents cry at night over "guilt" of the day before's actions? I do. All the mistakes and mishaps.
Lord have mercy.
I had to tell them how wrong I was and even though we were all equally at fault I was the worst example of all and that my heart screams for difference. It's such a humbling experience to witness (on more than one occassion). It never gets easier. If anything I'm thinking it gets harder. While I was snuggling with them for campout night I was reminded that God's mercies are new EVERY morning and that tomorrow will again be Day 1 at working to "get it right." Whatever that looks like being human in a sinful world and all.
As much as I know their tearstained faces have forgiven me, and I them.... our hearts are raw and praying for difference to our day(s). I wish we could all truly erase the words and actions. That they simply didn't exsist in our hearts anymore to sneak up and try to trip us up when Satan wants us to stumble again. Thankfully days like today have been few in far between in the last couple years; they hurt just the same. I need to face tomorrow with all the newness each morning brings. I need to be the example of God and how he throws our forgiven sins to the deepest depths of the ocean marked with a sign saying, "back away... nothing to see or remember here. No grabbing allowed."
I just pray their little hearts can view me the same way.
2 comments:
Yes. I have laid in bed feeling like a miserable parent. Yes, I still wonder if my kids will love me when all is said and done and be able to look past the mistakes and see the heart.
Yes, I've yelled, and lost it, and messed up. We all do.
But you are so right to apologize. What a GREAT example you were in that moment. :)
Love you, Lynds.
Oh momma, how I have been in your shoes many many times! I feel like I could have write this post myself. Every word. You are not alone, that I promise. I also know that, even though they see our ugly sides sometimes, what they will take from it is what you did AFTER. You didn't just leave it be. You showed them that even though it's hard to apologize when you have did/said something wrong you do it anyways. You are a great mom Lynds. Hold on to that and don't let satan tell you otherwise.
I love you babe!
Post a Comment