Somewhere in the middle...

To catch up read part 1
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A few short months after we were married my husband decided he was going to try to get a better job. A higher paying job. This job was a referral of sorts from a co-worker. He interviewed, got the job, and we were stoked! Life was about to look up.

Little did we know that it was just the beginning of what we later would find out to be one of the many very hard trials to hit our lives.

This job took him out of town... not something we were used to... nor fond of! This job also never paid close to what he was promised. It was only after his first check... of $40... did he get told the real breakdown of how the pay was to happen. Let me tell you that $40 was only about $280 shy of what his last weekly checks had been. To say we were freaking out would be an understatement.

We stopped paying minimum payments on our credit cards and scrapped by just to pay the essential bills.... Literally rent, washer and dryer payment, and electricity.

Less then a year of being married we were facing bankruptcy. How did this happen??? Thankfully my husband was able to ask for his old job back and they gave it back. But that one month or so that he was not working there had really hurt us.

At that time we thought we were communicating with each other, supporting each other, but looking back we weren't even close. We had so many issues other then low funds coming in. In truth, we didn't know how to really love each other. How to really be in a "grown up" relationship. Neither of us had the best examples and we had different thoughts on it going into. Each thinking it meant different things. I guess in some ways you could say it was like a roommate feel with same last names and a child then anything else.

No worries things have drastically changed since then... Major growth...

After that God blessed me with a better job and my husband stayed where he was. A couple years after that not much had changed... Still had issues with girls and the internet. Same nit picking things and so forth. We were able to move to a nicer... safer apartment and we started really enjoying our alone family time together. We were growing and it was nice. Yet something still felt off... missing if you will.

We didn't nearly fight as often and seemed to be really getting our act together. Later my husband was offered the opportunity to transfer out of the town we were living in. The opportunity meant I no longer had to work. We took it. Even though it basically took us back to square one financially.

With that seemed my husband was missing his "freedom". Although truth be told it always felt like he was wishing to be "young and free" again. You know... his own person. Don't get me wrong he made it very known he loved his family and all, but still you could tell he longed to be "wild and free" if you will. I have always felt I took that away from him. From the very beginning. With that though I have always had massive low self-esteem no matter what I was doing in my life or who I was with.

I've never felt good enough to hold his interest... ever. We had issues with other girls, internet, and that never helps. So I was always suspicious and made it known. Very loudly... Which never got me anywhere except tears. Sometimes it would come out that in one way or another there had been something inappropriate that was said or done between my husband and one of his co-workers or friends. Yet I forgave and we moved forward. I figured the good times would certainly outweigh the bad and save everything.

Once we had moved though I found myself talking to God more then I had in years! I felt so alone. I have never really had any real friends. You know the ones that last through anything. I kept asking God for help. To show what's missing. What did everything feel so happy and perfect... yet you could still feel that "pea in the mattress" of our lives. To fix my husband... because he is always the one that needs fixing right?? He is the reason it felt like our marriage was missing something. Why I didn't feel enough.

It could never be me right?!

to be continued...