If you knew... Would you still want it??

(part 1)
You know I have started and stopped this next post what feels like a hundred times. Questioning constantly "How do I continue?? How do I start this blog?? How do I start to share my story??"

I came up with many answers...  

Ease into it and give back story...  

Jump right into it and say here it is... and so forth.

None seem fitting. The words have just escaped. I think maybe I sat on this call from God for so long that all the words have taken a vacation until further notice. So with the words that have decided to stay behind to see where they go... I start this. Praying along the way for God's words to flow from my finger tips.

I was approached with these questions the other day from God... Literally I was starting a new load of laundry and my husband was listening to a song on the iPod (a song by KJ52 to be perfectly honest). God literally started asking me these questions. I was floored. Once I was able to get my feet moving again I ran to the desk to jot them down so I could remember them.

So here it goes... Let's see where God leads this... 

What if your happily ever after never ended up how you envisioned it?


What if you were given the opportunity to "preview" your future... the good, the bad, the ugly, all the joys, all the pain, and you were given an "opt out" option... a chance to change your course. Would you?


Even if it meant all the low points that felt lower then rock bottom would be worth the outcome? Especially if you knew God would use it for His Glory...

I wasn't always so sure of my answer to those questions. My journey to here has been way different then I imagined it would be.

Let's start with the back story...  
(My story is in part sad and happy. I pray that my story might help someone... Help you. Help you know you are not alone. I pray that God receives all of the glory because without Him I would not be here sharing it. I pray that if this is not something you have experienced that maybe you sadly know someone who has and maybe it can help them. I don't claim to have all the answers. This is simply the ways/methods/events God used/is using in our lives. What has gotten us to where we are today. I pray God reveals Himself and His way to you no matter what road He is walking you down right now.)

I met my husband when I was 18. At the time neither of us were really looking for a relationship. I was a year out of high school and he was only a few months. I graduated a year early you see. My parents were just finishing a nasty divorce and since I had all my HS credits I didn't want to be sticking around. So I left behind my full ride 2 yr college scholarship (a story for another time) and started working full time.

We talked for hours on the phone and our first "date" was to go get his eyebrow pierced. No joke. Then we went to meet some of his friends for a game of pool. From there it was what seemed like constant hanging out after work or talking on the phone. However we never really spent much time alone. We did but we didn't. Does that make sense?? We always were with friends and such.

It was not always the happiest of times. We fought all the time and for some reason I always felt so insecure. In turn I became needy I guess you could say. I always knew he could potentially be a player. I knew his co-workers and they constantly talked about bars, dates, and different people what seemed to be hourly. Now I know that just because they were doesn't mean he was. Call it woman intuition I just knew.

He had a long term girlfriend while in high school. After school she left for college out of town and he stayed behind. They broke up. She came back here and there and I just had a feeling something was going on. Whenever she was around we always fought. Her and I... My husband and I... You know typical teenage drama.

Side note: Now you might be asking what on earth did I stick around for... let alone why did I marry him? Easy... I felt something different. Higher and stronger than any of that. Just wasn't sure what it was at the time.

Lots happened between that time in our lives and to the day we walked down the aisle. For one we had a child. (I want to be clear though that was not the reason on why we got married!! Too many people have assumed that and it couldn't be farther from the truth. So I just want to put that out there now.) For another we got our first apartment and so forth.

We never had lavish jobs. We never have been well off or anything of the sort. Life was always hard. Day to day living. How are we going to eat today. Are we sure there is enough $ in the bank to cover for gas till payday and so forth.

That was 6 years ago...

For the sake of saving your retinas from bleeding from this really long story I'll stop this post here and continue the rest in the next post(s). Sorry to drop it off like that. I just thought you might not want to read a novel in one post. I figured it would be easier if broken up some.