The last month has been beyond words. My heart almost can't take the waves of emotions that have come my way. I honestly can't think of a time I've been able to cry at the drop of a hat and I'm not just talking actress kind of crying. I'm talking doubled over sobbing kind of ugly crying. I have seriously felt like I was beyond my breaking point yet here I am still "standing"... well... sitting, but you know exactly what I mean.
Over the last month I've had time to reflect on this last year.
This year I thought was going to be so much different than it's turned out to be. While it has been anything but what I anticipated it's been so telling of where my heart had been. I realize that I had been hanging by a thread on words of those humans within the world that I thought held the answers. Jokes on me, as usual right!? When will this heart of mine remember first that I am the daughter of the King of the World and HIS WORDS are the ones that matter more!
I am not even sure I know how to word all that God has laid on my heart this last year. I am in such a different place mentally and spiritually than I was a year ago. When it felt like, at the time... this nightmare, was starting I was angry and confused. I try to look back and remember all the feelings and I can't. They have disappeared. I wish I could remember them though to add them to the story, but it's been one of those "I don't even know how to start with a pen and paper to jot this down"; so you don't.
People see you as a making it and inside feels like it's running away with you. While this year has most certainly been a struggle financially I think the biggest struggle has been mentally. Being in such a different place now though brings me to a place of acceptance. A place of looking around and thinking of of all the prayers I have had before this. Seeing answers to those prayers left and right. So, why am I praying to get out of a situation that I'm not so sure God wants us out of.
The reasons are only ones that God knows. I can speculate of course but that doesn't give an answer. The acceptance though is simple... I think this is the spot we were just supposed to live and stay in and you know what... that's okay.
We have walls to protect us from the elements outside.
We have food in the pantry and refrigerator.
We have a washer and dryer to clean the clothes God has put in our closets.
We have mattresses, pillows, and blankets for giving our bodies rest.
We are healthy, we have a job, we never walk each day alone.
The blessings seriously are countless.
We have so many things that used to be cries of our hearts. Do we really need more? We know how to work a budget and need to get back to those steps. But God has shaped us in these moments. In the moments of the past and in the moments of the present, and I have no doubt that He will in the moments of the future.
I think our season of waiting is over.
I think that is what God has been wanting us to grasp. To stop yearning for other things and to just "be" with where we are and what we have. Where we are isn't bad. Where we are is on the world's definition of low but is their definition and view of making it really the one that matters anyways?
Our foundation as a family has strengthened. Our faith has been stretched and grown. Our focus (my focus) has shifted from hanging with baited breath to each day wondering if anyone at work gave any glimpse into us changing positions; to simply wanting to read Scripture and what God lays on my heart.
More interviews than I care to count this year... inside and outside of the company... knocking on doors trying to figure out God's Will and yet here we are still sitting behind a counter worshipping God and thanking Him for his provision.
And that's just it... That's where we are supposed to be.
That's the heart of it.
Our story.
Our witness.
The world doesn't define us. Job title and paycheck doesn't matter. What matters is how we are focused on God. Our walks with Him and our heart of worship and gratitude with each passing minute.
So, looking back... I think it's been one of our best years, ever.
How was yours?
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