Oh life...

There is so much to tell and yet nothing all at the same time. Isn't that a strange location to be sitting in? This season has been so much of what we have lived our entire lives together yet not. It's so hard to put into words what I mean by that, but I think the easiest way to describe it would be early on it seemed more lighthearted because it's all we had ever known. This time around harder because we have "seen the other side." It's not quite as materialistic as that sounds but I truly don't have the words to describe it another way.

I can say though that this season has left me yearning for those earlier times. I looked at things differently. I don't know if it was location or just my heart but I looked at the small things around me differently too.

I've learned in this season to slow down. That packing the schedule, while still packed mind you, doesn't need to be every day of every week sending my kids to this that or the other. Sadly, though the days on end at home lost their appeal along the way as well and we didn't really do much at all. Well, I suppose you could say introducing your children to every season on Netflix of "Saved By the Bell" something. Teehee! But I know you catch my drift. There aren't a lot of places to walk to and explore around where I live. There is if we had the car on days we didn't have errands to run all day, but there close enough to walk to and explore not so much.

It's been painful to hear your kids say they are bored all the time knowing they just want an adventure with you. They miss mountains and trees. They miss trails to roam. Even in Northern Arizona we had things within walking distance of our apartment.

Life was different back then.

Coming home this morning from taking my husband to work I heard a familiar song... One singing to their younger self. So much truth in that song. Just this week I remember laying in bed crying after a hard adult kind of day telling my husband, "I want to go back to..... (insert a small northern AZ town we lived in." You could hear him sniffle back a tear as he totally understood what I was meaning with that. Our martial relationship was being stretched to a new level yet about to be broken and stretched again back then. It was no where close to what it is now so he gets that isn't what I was meaning.

There is a yearning in my spirit.

One for change.

Maybe it's just that we are entering the longest we have really been in one place the entire time we've been married. Maybe it's because my head and heart are struggling with each passing day and year that my children are getting older and time is getting shorter. Maybe it's just my soul is in desperate need of a vacation. A place to escape, breathe in deep breaths of God's creation and rejuvenate. Maybe it's just God preparing my soul.

I don't know what it is but it's something. Something I have to work hard daily to get myself back to seeing things around me like I did before. I feel in this stretching a new for our family. An even closer understanding and openness with each other.

A new level.

That openness has always been there but this is a new level. It's nice.

I would regress to say though that while this time has been painful it's also been beautiful in seeing God at work in every millimeter of every corner of it all. His whisper here and there. His providing hand just when you are unsure how you will.... (fill in the blank). He reassurance that He is in control this whole time. He has been loud, even while appearing silent, over ever single step of the last 10 months.

His goodness abounds like no other!!!!

As much as I yearn in my spirit for whatever God is tugging on my heart with I am reminded of the non boring parts. Of the parts of laughter, love, and truly abundant memories. This whole season hasn't been for naught. And when the time comes for this road to end and a new one to beginning I know we will look back someday and smile, laugh, and even cry for all the revelation God has done in us during this time. And maybe just maybe there will be a time in our lives we lay in bed with tears in our eyes and again say... "I want to go back to..." and mean here.

It's good to hold on to the truth though that through this time God is always faithful. He provides for even the Sparrows... He will provide always for us too.