I don't get it.
At.All.
Tonight it may be that Dr. Pol is playing in the background and little boys overly tired are extra whiney/snuggly than usual. Maybe it is that so much is on my heart I am not sure where to even start. There is just so much. So much longing. So much sadness for just life around me and just so much in awe of the life God has given me. So much realization of *home* and future. So much hunger and desire to dig in deeper to God with more vigor than I am sad to say has been there in the last couple months. Its like I can't get enough and want to just dig into the biggest deepest study possible. The pile of wishes and can't wait to get into are so many. Thank goodness for cell phone pictures of titles and ways to create wish lists.
I feel like I have been going through such a transformation the last couple months/year. There is just so much inside it's hard to even put it all into words. There is just a new vigor towards it all.
School.
Being teacher.
Family.
Being a wife and mother individually.
I wish I could make more hours in the day to get in all the fun and digging in that we would love to do. There doesn't seem time to get it all in anymore. Maybe that is 3 grades and interests that now roam these walls of this home. Maybe I have scheduled too much for all of us to do. Or agreed to.
God only knows.
I can say though I have become so much more grateful for all God has brought before us... all of it... from recent...
flooded house...
broken heater in the heart of winter (multiple times)...
to leaving a church that transformed us in the last couple years to a new one that is transforming our children... us all...
to school activities and interests in the future and a passion to attend a certain college...
to mastering a binary system part in our 6th grade math curriculum that for months was a bunch of "huh?!?!" moments...
to a stolen debit card number and thousands of dollars taken and a bank who so graciously put it back in once fraud papers were filed.
Through it all... through it all... there was such a joy of God's got this that it made me sit back and try... TRY... to remember what life before this moment felt like. The freak out moments. The stress. The fights. The anxiety and uncertainty.
I simply couldn't even picture or feel or even fathom how those times before coming back to Christ and surrendering completely E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G felt like. I sit back in awe and wonder how did I get so lucky to be so blessed. Doesn't God know all I've done and said before!? But that is just it!!! He does and did and yet still graced me with his grace and mercy and blessings and everlasting faithfulness!! It's so much awe I'm telling you.
He's blessed us from all the past things as well... Just wow.
All these things I've known and felt... we all walk through peaks and valleys in our Christian walks and I'm thinking I have just reached my next peak and grateful as I look over the valley God lead me through last year to whatever may be coming ahead. I know there is a peace that He will be at my side no matter what and I'm excited to see where it leads me.
I am in awe to the realization of how faith is hitting my kids even more and questions and comments of how to witness to peers that are neighbors, to the youngest growing leaps in bounds in love with God where for a while I was seriously praying for his heart and desire to attend church. To more fervor than ever to have a deeper prayer life. To have sadness that I don't have days to spend in only prayer and pen to paper time with God. Like it seriously hurts I can't spend all day doing that. To chase after my kids hearts and future more and to move more and more into my role as a godly wife than ever before.
I just can't describe it. It's been dry and hard the last year of transition. So many questions and uncertainty of myself. Still many personal image issues... thanks society, but I'm working on it. So many details, if you will, to come but so much freedom feeling ready to pour all out... but it's time to lay the kids down and enjoy my nightly Bible study reading thanks to YouVersion (till I start to check off my list of wants in studies... heehee!)
I can't wait to see where God continues to grow me and lead me. The potter molding the clay.
I love it!
Just had to spill it all out.
Guess that cursor and blank screen had nothing on me tonight, huh? Sorry for the jumbledness... it just all flowed it was hard for my fingers to even keep up.
*happy sigh*
(and can I say that I really miss posting pictures and scriptures together... I think I am going to start doing that weekly. It was such an encouragement to me and made me see God's world through different eyes with His Word in my heart. Hope you don't mind when I do. )
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