Stream of ...

Fear.

Fear to love. 

Fear of fully letting go. 

Why? 

Why when you have been given solid proof that letting go is ok... When you have been given a soft place to land... 

Why when you have the sign, sealed, and delivered letter from God himself that letting go of that and feeling safe and secure again is exactly what he wants you to do... 

Why is that simple concept so hard? 

Why is there still so much doubt, fear, and insecurity? 

Why is it when you know that it is the right thing to do it's the one thing you run from faster then you can blink? 

The Walls. 

The Anger. 

I can't explain it. No matter how secure something felt not to long ago, and still feels for that matter, it's so hard to live it carefree. Does that make sense? Of course not because honestly it's all jumbled inside my head too. I know it's what he wants me to do. I have heard it loud and clear. How come then it's the hardest thing for me to trust?

The single most person I should and do believe in with all that I am... why am I so scared to fall again? He has promised that it is exactly what won't happen again. So why is it then the single most biggest fear I have... not letting go of?

I don't understand.

The change is here.

The change has been great... despite my digging of the heels.

How can everyone else see the sparkle and glow yet I struggle to see it behind close doors? It's the same thing everyone else sees. There is no difference behind closes doors. Just me. Just my fear.

Darn fear... how I loathe thee.

It destroys... that fear of mine. I loathe that too. Classic... Classic... case of open mouth insert foot every.single.time.

In my heart, before I open my mouth, I know that it is out of line. Totally Satan set out to destroy the one thing God has blessed abundantly and rose from the ashes in only a way he can. I crumble though due to that wonderful little friend of mine... fear.

How to beat this fear is my question tonight. How to beat it once and for all? How to stop the doubt and questioning when you know that there isn't a reason to anymore. See the man I married almost 7 years ago is a completely different man. I am a completely different woman. The transformation that God granted us 2 1/2 years ago was beyond life changing. It's more than I ever thought possible. All I have ever wanted and more. Yet I can't shake.. fear.

Fear of the past.

Fear of the unknown and all I know how to do is block, duck, and weave.

All attributes I would really rather not have in my repertoire. It is more than a daily battle for me. I am thankful that my "new" husband is so stubborn and digs his heels in about the fact he isn't going anywhere... again.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Some may struggle with this topic. Some, fortunately, may have never had to worry about such things. And some I pray never have to. If their script though were to lead them down this path I pray they know to cling to God. He will never steer you wrong... Only yourself can {as I am sure you affectionately read above}.

In the words of my loving 7 year old daughter...

"God never makes a mistake."


Even when you may question and think he has. I have. I think it is only human.

He has guided me and lead me to walk this path and to change our family legacy. To not end up like our parents or their parents before them. I need to remember and to hold on tight to that. To hold tight that God would not have had me go through all that he has to just leave me vulnerable. I need to kick Satan to the curb and really show him who is boss.


Growth is coming.

For me.

I can feel it.

I feel it more so this year then any other year before. It's calming yet very nerve wracking. I know... I know... that nerve wrecking part is just Satan trying to dig in and take up residence. I refuse to let him. It's so unpeaceful when he is around. Hear that Satan... hit the road! You aren't welcome here.

How do I allow myself to live without guards though? How do I allow myself to live unreserved? 100% without fear?

Thank you for hanging on for the emotional ride that is my script. Although it seems the roughest part of that particular road has been transformed and a new foundation laid I still feel I am learning how to walk along this newly poured path. This path that was laid by God's hands himself. I should walk with security and certainty.

I do... some days.

I want to... all days.

I need to have this stuck to a note and hung in front of my face every second of the day. You know like a rabbit with a stick tied to his neck with a carrot waving in front of its face.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I am going to let me heart defeat my mind. I am going to give it my all... unreserved. 




Other songs that are really speaking to me right now

Brandon Heath: Give Me Your Eyes
Laura Story: Mighty to Save