Seeking Him... When It Is Dark

Oh the epic... start a post... hit delete button.

Start a post... hit delete button.

That seems to be what is going on with this "cursed" post I keep trying to form. I feel it starts out with the exact emotion I am trying to convey and then all of a sudden... detour.

I don't get it.

There has been so much on my mind these days. Ever since right before Thanksgiving actually. I have been a ball of emotions it feels like and I just feel jumbled. I have let myself get thrown into the way of thinking "materials... materials... materials that will make you feel better." I can honestly say all the Black Friday ads (which I can also  honestly say I have never taken part in) and all the hustle and bustle of everyone saying, "check out what I got. Check out what we are waiting in line for. Oh we got this." And so forth has really felt like cleansing a gushing wound with nothing but salt.

Our Pastor's message on Sunday was nothing but a total 2x4 to the head as well. It was so needed and the headache left was very welcomed. Ha even my husband leaned over during church and said, "my head hurts." I asked why and he proceeded to make the action of swing a 2x4 towards his head.

He was feeling it to!

That wonderful small still reminder of "THAT'S NOT WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT!"

Of course we know that, but it gets hard to keep your head up about it when it feels like you have nothing. Our toaster died this last week. No money to replace it. We threw our horrible full of holes couch away a couple weeks ago (yes we sitting on the floor). No money to replace it. Our 7 year old vacuum is on it's last leg. No money to replace. Haven't had a kitchen table for years. No real space... Now no money. See the trend here?

So hearing about all these big ticket purchases in the last couple days is so hard to swallow. Some we know really needed these things. Others not so much. It's hard when there are basic essentials we need and can't do anything about it. Does that make sense?

See I have been feeling sorry for myself lately. Plain and simple. We continue in this "wait" pattern with God right now, and I won't lie it's been hard! Really hard. Like stay in bed hard. I have doubted. I have feared. I have cried. I have yelled why, when, and now please too many times to count. I have been down right angry with God and heard nothing but silence. I have felt alone! I know that I am never alone, but I have been on my knees asking please let me see something. Something towards his plan for us.

This seems to be a very dry part of the script he has written out.

My Pastor on Sunday said it perfectly... {a loose quote} "That sometimes in life we are looking at the backside of the tapestry. You know the side with all the ends of the tied off thread. The side that looks jumbled and tangled and confusing as all get out. But when you change your perspective and you turn your tapestry over you will see that it's all apart of the beautiful art of you that God has masterminded and sewn together." My husband added to this brilliant piece of advise... "When we get our hands into that jumble of a mess of thread in the back we actually start unraveling it all. Then all of what God is doing, creating, and working on comes apart."

I feel like I have had my hands in it in some way or another and he has taken us back to square one so he can start all over. I need to stop touching the confusing threads in the back and just let God do what he is doing. Although I have to tell you I am confused as all heck! I want to feel like we are surviving. Something I don't feel right now. I want to feel confident that we are doing what he wants us to do, and right now I am not sure.

I totally realize that we are not alone in this matter. Please know that I am not at all complaining or whining. I am just wondering how come some in our same situation or worse are able to do things we can't. I know that God has a plan. I know he hasn't left us and he is guiding us to things bigger than we can imagine. I just feel forgotten right now. I am feverishly praying for my heart to change. For my head and heart to be on the same page and for this draught in the valley to soon be overflowing with milk and honey.

I guess you could say I am looking for things to start to look more clear and solid through the fog of life.