Bumps in the road

I am a mess today. 

I don't know why, but it's like a switch just hit the on position and I am completely freaking out.

I am freaking out over our curriculum choices and my ability to accurately teach them and keep my daughter growing and knowing with all she needs to know. I am freaking out that the picks maybe don't reach the goals we were wanting to reach this year. I know they do though. We researched them all so much, but today looking at it all I am questioning the growth they will really provide. I am not sure it's enough or the level we are wanting it to be at.

I am freaking out over our lack of funds... funds to get the rest of all we need... funds to pay bills... funds to be able to buy shoes, school supplies, funds to have a little breathing room, etc.

It all seems to be hitting me this afternoon like a ton of bricks and the pressure on my chest I am feeling because of all of this just makes me want to cry, scream, and run for whatever answer I can find.

I am so very thankful I am able to stay at home and homeschool our children. I am so very thankful for a roof period over our heads, and no matter the kinds of food in the pantry I am thankful it's there.

But,

We need to catch a break. We have been barely making it for so long now it's getting so very sad. My husband feels the strain and so desperately wants to provide more. To provide better but we don't know how. I can't go back to work because the cost in day care alone... my checks would not be making any difference at all.

We are so very thankful to have the vehicle that we have but to have a second vehicle would be so nice. It would kill the horrible summer boredom the kids and I are feeling and the lack of exercise that exists with living in an apartment with no real nearby activities to take part in. Especially for our big fat budget of ZERO.

We want friends to interact with. Have play dates with on a regular basis and just something to do period. It's lonely constantly living this way day in and day out for so many years.

I am really not wanting to have a pity party over here I just need to get this all out. It hurts. I want to cry. I feel I am so very inadequate to provide anything. I know that isn't true... It's just a horrible horrible feeling I am feeling. Like I said before I have no idea where or why this freaking out came from it just came out of no where. Maybe it isn't coming out of no where at all. Maybe it's always been there brewing and bubbling. Just waiting to overflow.

Well the max limit has seemed to be hit.

We know God is planning something for us. We know something big from him is coming our way soon. We feel it. We have been so patiently waiting for him to guide us and tell us what it is that he wants us to do. Screaming for direction and help. We know that in his time he will reveal it all to us but this waiting is getting hard and heavy. I don't want to collapse. I don't want to take control and make something happen. I have been there before and although the relief that is felt is only for a time it turns out to be so much more worse in the end because I didn't let God do his thing.

I don't want to do that again. We don't want to do that again.

We only want God.

We only want his way and his plan for us.

We know he will provide. We know that he will show the way and the answers to all that I am freaking out about. He has never failed us before. I am just having a really hard time and need some relief. I need to be reminded that it is not my footprints that I see in the sand. He is carrying us and I am trying too hard to figure out all of the answers myself.

I need to stop...

breathe...

pray...

and remain on my knees until his voice is heard and his path is seen.

Please Lord... I need... We need... your help and direction. Show us the way you want us to go. We know you are planning something for us. Something where we can provide shoes, clothes, eye doctors, and dentists for us all without having to skimp on groceries or any other part of our budget. Something where things will be easier, safer, and a way for us to be able to spend more family time together. Please Lord the burden of living this way is getting really hard to bear on all of us. Please help Lord. Please reveal your way and plan. Please reveal what it is you want us to be doing to get to your ultimate end goal for us. Please.