I feel paralyzed lately

I feel paralyzed lately with anxiety.

Worst I have felt in years.

I have so many times that I want to come here and start posting but fear stops me. My heads tells me, "You just sound whiney... the same sob story is taking place. No one wants to hear the same blah all the time."

I don't even know why even know I'm sitting here saying all of this except I really want to post.

Life, hasn't changed over the last couple months. The ups and downs we prayed would be smoothing out have only kept going up and down. Although it feels the down is getting deep. Deeper than I can remember ever being at. I'm not even sure where the end is at anymore.

In short...

The new job, it's not panning out like we thought it would.

Homeschooling this year, hands down our hardest worst year ever. Not sure how next year will look.

Finances, don't get me started.
Anyone have any money tree seeds?

Healthy eating?
Who can even afford to buy real food anymore?

Parenting, still hard, but we seem to be making some progress lately.

I know the truth of course and I try really hard to speak God's truth over my negativity lately, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not worn. I know the words but my head and heart keep misfiring on them. I feel numb when I hear them. You know like a good friend coming up and telling you exactly what you need to hear yet you stare at them and all you hear when they speak is Charlie Brown's teacher talking.

Yea, that's where I'm at right now.

There are a couple things that seem promising to help in a couple months that show some signs of progress or hope but what if we drown before then?

I was cleaning the other day, feeling paralyzed to even do anything because of the mounds of mess at every turn when my heart stopped to REALLY hear the words of this song. My soul cried out YES... THIS.RIGHT.HERE. That is EXACTLY how I feel.

I sit and wonder what would people think if they knew the real thoughts inside. The fears and the tears. Yes, I am incredibly transparent to those around me; most of the time to a fault, but I struggle with not sharing any part of my struggle. However, I struggle with the depth of the struggle to share. Because I know God has us. God has me.

I know that. I truly do.

But...

But, just that.
That's all I've got... But...

I cry.
I get upset.
I try to have great strong thoughts about it all.
I fail daily.
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These lyrics hit my heart hard...

Oh my soul, oh how you worry

Oh how you're weary from fearing you lost control

This was the one thing you didn't see coming

And no one would blame you though

If you cried in private

If you tried to hide it away

So no one knows

No one will see if you stop believing

There's a place where fear

Has to face the God you know

I'm not strong enough

I can't take anymore

(You can lay it down

You can lay it down)

And my shipwrecked faith

Will never get me to shore

(You can lay it down

You can lay it down)

Can He find me here?

Can He keep me from going under?

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Does it make me weaker to share that? 

That I feel this way? 

I don't know. I need to voice it though. There is growth in the struggle. We've learned a lot about ourselves. The promising and ugly. 

I guess until we know why this season is so dry and suffocating we will keep marching on and reminding ourselves that 

Here and now, you can be honest

I won't try to promise

That someday it all works out

'Cause this is the valley

And even now He is breathing on

Your dry bones

And there will be dancing

There will be beauty where beauty was

Ash and stone

This much I know

There's a place where fear

Has to face the God you know