Sure I homeschool, am home all day and night with my kids, feed them, pray with them, and nurture them, but let's be transparent here... There are many snuggles I brush off or use a tone/words I wish they had never heard in their lives. There are frankly days I ask God why are we homeschooling? Why am I a stay at home mom? Why have you chosen me for these precious children? They deserve better. What exactly are we shielding them from here?
That hurts to admit but I'd be lying if I didn't fully say it's true.
Do you have days or thoughts like that!?
It's a daily struggle I think for me to be 100% aware and present with my actions and words to really be the parent God has called me to be. I fail at it though... daily. I fear all the time what kind of memories will these kids carry with them of me and their childhood. Of course there are happy moments don't get me wrong but I think you understand what I am meaning here.
Parenting is hard.
There is a TON they don't mention to you about parenting. Homeschooling is hard. That you hear all the time and it isn't a lie. Throw them together and there are many days that the yesterday's have blown up so bad that I'd rather stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my eyes ignoring the dawning day.
"There is no way I can correct my mess ups from yesterday. Today can't happen then. I'll just make it worse."
Thankfully there is grace from God and my children but still it is a nagging failure that eats at me daily.
Our church is doing a fast together for 21 days starting January 13th and motherhood definitely plans to be a good focus of my prayer time. Which I guess brings me to part of my point... Sarah Mae's new book is out and I so desperately, no pun intended, want to read it. A dear friend sent me a flyer from the book and it was perfect for me. Do you plan on reading the book? I definitely feel God drawing me to this book since I first read Sarah was writing it with Sally. Must hit the bookstore asap.
My other point????
I want to put the real me out there.
To maybe know I am not alone or to assure you that you aren't alone. To know I am not the only one to say, "I just can't be mom today." Life is messy here and not all perfect schedules, followed meal plans, laundry caught up, and all niceties everyday.
Far from it honestly.
Don't open the laundry room door the pile may fall on you. There are currently dishes that are begging to be in my dishwasher, and my to fold pile... yea I am still hoping it folds itself. My thoughts on motherhood though are taking precedence while my children are currently all playing together in the other room. No sense in ruining the wonderful moment of them all playing the same thing without arguing. Right? Just to do the dishes? I thought not too.
I want and need to be a better wife and mom.
I want and need to really work on being who God wants me to be inside these walls as well as out.
I want and need to search God daily to overcome the bad that comes into my parenting.
I don't feel like I have succeeded at shaping these little hearts and minds like I am meant to. Not that I want to dwell on the negative parts of my last 9 years of being a parent but I don't want the realness of where I am at to be lost in some of the other things I post. Pictures. Words. Anything. I struggle at being a mom. I have thoughts with God asking, "Why am I called to do this when I feel like I am failing at it?" I scream out loud and in pillows and sadly sometimes at the kids. I hide in the other room when I have royally messed up. I ask my children's forgiveness for my behavior all the time. I am resolving this year will be the turning point and that the good out weighs the bad and that I will finally be more of the mother God wants me to be.
I also need to remember that the moments after the flawless looking picture or very all together happy looking children statuses are posted things could fall apart. That not everyone has it together and I shouldn't add extra guilt onto myself for someone else appearing to have "it all together" while I am falling apart. Sadly, that happens all too often since the boom of technology. The longing to have it all together like so and so. We don't really know what is happening on the other side of their screens.
I need to hold on to the fact that I am in my own mess. One God wants to shape me in to be more of the mom he has called me to be. I need to remember that he will pull me out of this season. Dry land will appear one day and I will be grateful for what I have learned. In his time. I need to remember he knew I would have days like this and yet he still kept them written in my script. Crazy how just even writing these words down God has evolved my heart into acceptance and growth and not beating myself up over it. I still fail. I know. I will still struggle but there is hope. I just pray my children remember and relish on the good and not the crazed, lost her temper too many times in a day, screaming mom who has felt she has failed and doesn't know how to correct it moments. I pray they see the growth and see who I am seeking for that growth so when the time comes that these moments invade their households they will know who to turn to as well.
I am going to join the movement. I am going to resolve in knowing I am not alone and will be working with God to change those days. Paddling toward dry land.
3 comments:
I am having one of those days today Lynds. You are not alone.
i think we all have those days {weeks,months...}
God has called us to this and He will be faithful to see us through.
i love your words and heard myself in them.
God is so good and we are so blessed!! :)
Yes! Yes! And Amen! You've written my hearts desire here. To be the mom that I'm not and stop being the mom that I am. Or at least lean on grace more and trust that God will redeem all of my failures with my children.
Daily, daily I feel as if I've failed in some way or another. His mercies are new every morning but often I feel like I've already screwed that up 5 minutes into the day.
Reading this I so wished we could just sit with a cup of coffee, children running around, and chat motherhood. I kid you not I wanted to hug my laptop. I've just started reading Desperate and I can tell it's going to be a great blessing.
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