This week I lost to blog followers. I am so sorry I haven't blogged. I am so sorry I haven't been the best blogger, but life is happening for me right now. It's tough. I'm sorry.
This week it has become a massive reality that in 14 days we will be on the road traveling thousands of miles away from what has become our home to a new adventure God has in store for us. I'm not going to lie I am having a really hard time.
While I sit here and chat with dear friends the excitement is there in my voice and face, but as I sit alone in my own thoughts I doubt, questions, and scream why!?
Yes yes yes we have wanted change and have felt stuck. All symptoms of the WAIT we have heard for so long. The whole time while our hearts were yearning and seeking in the back of our minds we felt we would stay here. We felt of course at the same time that there was possibility due to prices and just gut feeling we may have to leave this home someday to explore something else. At which time God would reveal which of the 3 states we have lived in will be HOME HOME. Roots planted home. As the bandaid of leaving here is being ripped off my heart is longing to stay with these friends who have become family. For so long we have dreamed with these friends of watching our children grow old together and all of the homeschooling we can explore together. We are apart of groups here. We are plugged in and connected. We are growing and being blessed in so many ways by all those around us, and we pray they are blessed by us too.
Why is God taking all of us away from that?
I don't want this to be another moment where he is giving us the desires of our hearts. I know we have sought for his will and have not prayed specifically to go to the state we are headed to. We are in his will and Satan is solidifying that for us.
Yes Satan.
To say we feel like Job through this whole process would be an understatement. To say there are times I have felt like Gideon as well begging God to wet the cloth and leave ground dry would also be an understatement. For whatever reason right now though God deems it fit to allow Satan to throwing all he's got at us to test us. Knowing we aren't going to waiver, but it's getting difficult.
It could also just be getting more difficult because all I heard this whole time is you don't want to live here, you aren't supposed to be living there, you are just taking the path of least resistance with that, you aren't going to want to drive there, be prepared for this, you only have this much space on the trailer, we could have to add 400-800 miles to the trip.... Worst case scenarios everywhere.
Can I just scream now?!
While I understand why it's important to discuss these things (hello I am the queen of details... I survive on them) it has sucked the life and excitement out of all of this right out of me. Add to that the insane chaos around our apartment right now, my crazy to-do list, and you have yourself one very confused girl right now. Sad goodbye letters from the heart of a 4 year old. Alligator tears from daddy and 8 year old. I can't do this anymore. I want the move to be done!!!! Or not done!! I just want the madness to stop.
The wrenches Satan has thrown in are messing with my heart and my joy and I'm not ok with that. I don't understand why God is allowing this, but he is. I will praise him no matter what, but I'd really love to know why he is moving us. Why is this the answer for my family. Of course on the surface I see lots of superficial pros and answers but the real deep down reason is what I am interested in. I'm not interested in reasons that seem good to the human side/nature of this. Why is he also allowing friends in the body of Christ say they don't want to be the ones to deter us but that is exactly what they are doing even by through Scripture around???? Why is he allowing them to be the ones to cast doubt and excitment in the same paragraph and be wishy washy the whole time. They aren't helping anything in reality it's feeling like it's making it worse even though their intentions are in the right place.
My mind is swirling. I feel like I'm failing. No school is getting done AT.ALL. I know the joys of homeschooling but still. I hate it! Yes I know hate is a strong word but that it is how it feels right now. I want my family back. I want our dynamic to come back and for the chaos to be gone. I am longing for God's answer to why and in the process missing all that makes up our family. Quiet days just the 5 of us. Hanging out and doing science experiments or story times. I want the hustle and bustle to all dissipate and to just sit and enjoy each other again. No in and out. No tears and questions. Just the 5 us. I don't want our dynamic to change once we move either. That is something else that is tugging at my heart. I don't want my children to stop growing into the people they are blossoming into while they have been here. I realize that is up to us as parents to help with and our foundation in Christ. I guess I don't want any of us to lose focus of what has become so important to us and has made us into what we are today. If that makes sense.
I am sorry Lord for not trusting in your reasoning behind all of this. I know YOUR reasonings are better than my longing to stay here with the people you have surrounded us with. And I know you will be faithful in our new location as well. That you for smacking me with Deuteronomy 1:31-33 right now while I was looking up Trust. I do trust your way Lord I do. I am so thankful for all that you have done during this process and are still doing. I just ask Lord that you bring peace to my heart and understanding, comfort, and grace. I only want to be in your will Lord and not my own. Thank you Lord for the trials as well. They are faith building and I know you have your reasons for allowing us to be faced with these please help us to always keep our focus on you and to not give up. To you be ALL of the glory. In your most precious name, Amen.
3 comments:
hmm..i think i missed something? where is the Lord taking you?
don't feel bad about no schooling, i could NOT focus on homeschooling when we i knew we were moving hundreds of miles from our only home to a place where we knew no one!
God has a plan. He will give you the peace you need and sanity :)
blessings~
We all need God to empty our hands and fill up our hearts...thank you for sharing.
Moving is a big transition and one of the biggest stressors in life. Be patient with yourself. Doubt is natural and normal - wondering "are we really making the right decision?" The fact is, this is a job that will bring your husband more time with the family and move you toward a goal for the betterment of your whole family. Nothing else matters. Maybe you'll have another move down the road - maybe not. But changes in life ALWAYS come. And it's up to you to let God walk through them with you and grow you in each one.
I love you, Lynds.
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