Renew Me

Our school year is coming to an end and as proud as I am that we finished so many subjects a month and a half ahead of schedule I have to be real... I don't think we had a lot of fun this year. It literally makes my heart, let alone my eyes, physically cry.

Sure sure I know you don't always hit the marks you set for yourself but if I'm honest I think I was so wishing we were moving and wanting more space for us that I was just wanting to... Get the work done. If that makes sense. We did just that and the carefreeness (is that a word?) wasn't there. Learning happened yes but the laughter and love of it wasn't I don't think.

If you ask my children all they want to do is Homeschool and my husband is so adamant that this is still exactly what God wants us to do. Me? I do too but I feel by my push to just get it done I've failed the desire and love I want and used to have. I think honestly it could be chopped up to that meltdown point we homeschoolers hit sometimes. I think it could also be chopped up to a rambunctious 1 1/2 year that makes me question being a mom at all.

As we close out this year I am heavy hearted and not even sure what to think. I have so much I need and want to work on in this "off season." So much to evaluate. Lots of seeking God on my end for. I need and want to feel renewed and that AHHHHHHHHH YES LORD THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT FOR US NO DOUBT IN MY MIND... MY HEART. I want to teach them and lead them the way HE wants us to.

As long as I am being super raw and real here I can also say the Lord has not been number one lately here in this house. Here in this heart of mine. He wrote my script and I know he knew this time would come up but I am so sad I allowed it to come to fruition. I'm not sure how or where the train jumped the track but I am scrambling to get back... Again!

I think that too has to do with feeling off about our homeschooling year as well. I'm having a hard time seeing the screen right now as the tears are rolling down my cheeks. So please forgive me if this doesn't flow or make any sense at all.

I know the Lord wants us to Homeschool. I feel that with everything but I think the bottom line is I messed it up this year. I got so sidetracked with what we didn't have or felt defeated with all sorts of things. I felt defeated if we were behind, a screaming disruptive little guy, kicking myself for not stopping and just exploring the interest that came up and thinking she'd do it on her own. You name it. I failed. I walked off and let that failure consume and eat a bigger hole away everyday. Because I got sidetracked from all the reasons the Lord laid on our hearts as to why homeschooling was for us.

Lots to change for next year.

Seek me Lord and know my heart. I am seeking your face and asking for forgiveness for allowing worldly life and the "just get it done" lifestyle to take forefront in all the areas in my life you have so greatly shown you want me to do. I feel I have squandered your light and blessing. You have wanted us to enjoy and I don't think I have allowed that to happen. So in fear of if we do... If we laugh and enjoy one part more and don't get to the rest we are just going to get too behind. But that is exactly what you have called us to do. I want to only do what you have scripted for me and my family. I am sorry for yet again trying to be the one controlling. Please help me to rectify and change Lord. For you. For me. For my children. For my husband. Lord please... Renew me.