Some Growth Is To Take Place... It's Not Comfortable.

{I wrote this late at night 3 nights ago. At the time I wasn't sure I was going to actually post it. But no matter how many times I have to say it this is still something God is working on my heart with. I am still growing and learning and healing. This was raw emotion... raw words... after a conversation with my husband after I... I... blew up at him for really what seems like no reason now. The little things dig... plant seeds... and seemingly start to bloom without much effort some days. Not something I want nor enjoy. God is working. God has worked and I need to remember that. Live like that.}

So it seems lately that my script here has had a lot of bumps in the road. More I guess in my growth and learning personally. Sadly this has been taken out on my dear husband, who honestly has a response that knocks me on my tush every time... in a good way. I am surprised at his determination. His devotion. His adamant stance that was never around before.

That right there seems to be so much apart of my growth. Right now I am struggling with the "waiting for the other shoe to drop." syndrome. Not that I have been given a reason for that feeling, but I think it is because that has been our "crazy cycle" for so long it feels like we are way over due for one. I am not accustom to the "new normal". Even though it has been around for 2+ years now. I struggle with it daily. Winning the battle and letting my heart defeat my mind hits everyday. 

When he is here though I feel strengthened. When he isn't here I feel my defenses go up. Satan is having a hay day with this right now. I know for a fact it is all him. There is not a doubt in my mind that is the case. I know he can do nothing but lead me to "do myself in." I do not want to get that far. 

The last two days however I have done just that. Snapped at every little thing and let it escalate to the worst levels. After some calm talking tonight with my husband and a lot of apologizing I realize areas I need to work on. Pray on and not just skim over. Areas of allowing myself really happiness and not the kind that only comes out to play in small spurts. I really am miserable when they my happiness goes on vacation. It comes and goes so quickly sometimes. 

I was thinking as to why this may be just last night and I wonder if it's because I miss the sun. Not SON but the big ball of burning gases in the sky. It's been raining so much these last 2 weeks it's been awful. I think I honestly miss Vitamin D. I should really looking into buying some. No joke! Other than that though I know I need to spend some serious time with God working on the healing that I am still very obviously going through. There has been so much positive changes that have taken place in my marriage and family life. So many wonderful changes that only God himself can provide, but I am most definitely my own worse enemy. 

I refuse to let my self enjoy it fully.

I look for every point that could be turned negative and almost feel like I cling to it. 

I have forgiven both. I have asked God to heal my heart. I have told both I forgive them. Yet my fear of the shoe looms over my head all the time. I don't doubt for a second that my husband's affair 3 years ago and the restoration God brought 2 1/2 years ago was all allowed for his glory. To show how mighty he is. I though need to let go and let him work. To let his praises for all the beauty that he brought to us through all of those ashes sing, shout, and dance from the rooftops. Because honestly none... NONE... of what we are today would have come if it weren't for him. None! 

Us individually. 

Us together. 

Us as a family. 

Us in every angle. 

None of it would be existing today without his glory, mercy, love, and beautiful restoration. 

Maybe that alone I need to be reminded of daily. To count all the glorious blessings that have come since then. How far we have come. How far we are going, and the outlook and feel that we have that is so very different then ever thought possible the day we said "I do." Honestly. This marriage, as of today, is nothing I thought possible the day I said my vows. Call that horrible... call that awesome... call that whatever you wish, but I feel it is only God answering me with a husband that walked through the ashes with me to the other side and surpassed my every dream in a mate. 

Why do I lose sight of all of that in my day to day? Why can I let it all spill out in all of it's glory on "paper" and feel so light by the end? I can literally feel the burden rising. 

My husband says he is the lucky one. The lucky one because I chose to love like Christ and forgive and work through the rocky road of his affair that was written in my script. Our script together. But the more I think back on that time in our lives I am struck with the thought and feeling of I am the lucky one. I am blessed to have someone that is walking through not only his own transformation and all God is doing in him, but my healing and transformation to our "new normal" that God designed just for us. Trust me ladies that is not an easy task. 

My husband's affair was ugly. It was hard. It still is hard despite its end. But at the end of the day I am thankful for it, and thankful for where it has brought me. Even on the days I feel like I am drowning due to my own self poured pool. I start to wallow and forget to turn off the faucet. After tonight and the eye opening conversation about where the real root of the problems lie... no real surprise there... ME... I plan on making sure that the nice shiny enticing faucet over there is permanently turned off! 

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my poser is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9 

"God is faithful who will no suffer you to be tempted above that you are able; but will with the temptation also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." 1 Corinthians 10:13b 

Thank you Lord for that reminder! I need to hold that one near because with you Lord we are going to beat Satan at this. We will come out the victors and the outcome far beats my expectations. Thank you for that!