These little guys belong to my ever moving 16 month baby boy. He is my youngest and I have started to joke that if he were my first child my other two children would not be here. God gifted us him. After our second we thought for sure we were done. God however had wonderful plans. The downside to all of this is he is also my loudest! My ears ring from the noise constantly. I can not wait for the talking stage to kick in full force! He is into everything. Way more than the other two ever were.
At times though I feel like all I do is yell. I loath this immensely. That is not the type of mother I want to be, but when I try softer tones its like nothing gets heard. As a parent I feel I am in a rock and a hard spot right now. I want to be loving and nurturing, but to be bluntly honest I count down right now until nap time. It feels like this poor little guy spends a lot of time in time out in his crib for tantrums, yelling, hitting his brother... well you get the point. I feel so drained by the end of the day and I feel some days the other two suffer because of it. School got rushed through or we had to skip a project for a later time because baby boy here was not calming down.
Is there a breaking point!? I feel I may be near.
There are times where he is adorably lovable. The most amazing neck hugs and the cutest little smile. He is so full of joy and love he melts me heart all the time. It's the gentle middle ground in parenting this child I seek the most. The first two felt like a breeze. This one makes me question all that I have learned in these last 7 years of being a parent!
There is a massive lesson in tone and patience that God seems to be working on in me. A lesson in parenting and gently reminding me of times in my life growing up I said I didn't want to do that. I catch myself saying that all the time. "I didn't want to speak that way to my children." "How can I retract and fix all I feel I just broke down?"
I am being so transparent right now. I am hoping in my doing so you can help hold me accountable to continue to strive in being a better mom. The mom God wants me to be. Not the mom I feel I have been. I won't come to regret this because after all this is all part of the script in my life God has written for me to learn from. Grow from. I feel if I put out there my doubts, fears, and struggles maybe we can all see that we are not alone. This script gets emotional at times and is hard to read, but I have no doubt that God would not have given me this wilder child to "mess up" but instead I feel he sent this beautiful ball of energy and spunk to me in order to change me. Grow me. To help me be more understanding, loving, and patient. A trait I can a test has never been my best suit.
So I will look to God as I cry for HELP daily in how to correctly handle each screaming fit, climbing on everything act, and tantrum that seems to be coming my way in a massive flood! I want to be better with my children. Connect with them each on their love style. I want to raise them to love God first and to look to him always. I want to lead by example for good and not in the way I feel I have fallen into. Frustration which leads to lashing out in anger.
Soft words with great impact.
That is what I want to lead and show.
Lord, Help me to lead the way of you. Help to speak softer and not act first and speak second. Help me to raise these precious babes that you have entrusted in my care with nothing but love. Help me to change our legacy.
"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9
I want to raise and teach them in the way they should go so they hopefully will not depart from it with loving hands. Ones that listen... really listen. Understands and offers comfort in a manner that is Godly.
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