Praying... What is YOUR will Lord??

*warning: it's a long post today*

I feel like I am sinking... what is going on!? 

I don't know what HIS plans are yet, but something is happening. 

Something big??

I have no idea. 

For 2 1/2 years we have been living in this same small old apartment. Don't get me wrong we have been incredibly thankful to have a roof over our heads, who isn't these days, but still we have been very thankful. Our place though isn't the safest. The property is dirty despite complaints. There is a wonderful park across the street... only there isn't anything for the kids to do over there. Running up a hill and rolling down it lasts for a little bit, but when the bottom is always muddy you aren't able to do that often. On top of that wonderful drunks and druggies like to make the benches and bushes their own if you catch my drift. We have even had a guy on the street stop and try to take a picture of our daughter while we were walking home from the library once. Thankfully my husband was with us to block her while I pushed the other child out of the way. Needless to say I do not walk anywhere with the kids by myself. Which brings on very long, lonely, boring days inside our little apartment.

We have wanted out since we moved in. 

Nothing has happened though. We haven't done anything nor have we really every given this situation to God. Does that make sense? Sure in the last 2 1/2 years we've prayed to leave and move, but never have we just given it all over to God to pilot.

This year though we started it by giving EVERYTHING that happens to God. We prayed... "Your will not ours be done. With EVERYTHING that takes place in our lives this year. You know our needs. We don't want to make one move until you direct us saying THESE ARE MY STEPS I HAVE LAID OUT... WALK ALONG THEM."

So that brings me to my feeling of spiraling on so many different topics in my life right now.

A month ago, after my father in law left, we decided to test drive... only test drive... a different manufacturer of a  vehicle my father in law had rented while he was here. We have known since before our 3rd child was born we were going to need something bigger to fit us all safely. This vehicle could be our solution. However, from the time we knew I was pregnant we tried for a bigger vehicle. Turn down after turn down. We kept saying "Ok God this obviously not what you had in mind for us. Ok we will continue to wait till you say... THIS ONE."

And that is exactly what we did.

We went after church and test drove the one we had found online the night before. We checked prices all over our state and neighboring states and this dealership... the one only blocks from our church... had the cheapest price. We went with the understanding we are test driving only. Only to compare the feel and drive of the two. The one we drove for the week my father in law was here and this one. To feel the different makes. We told our salesman this right up front before he even showed us the vehicle.

We test drove it and it was nice. It had more bells and whistles then I had ever thought we would ever own... ever! Still we knew we were only there to test drive it. We got back to the dealership and our salesman said "Why not run some numbers." Sure... whatever... what's it going to hurt... other than our credit. But we did. My husband filled out the papers and we waited.

And waited... 

And waited... 

About 45 mins later or so we are starting to get antsy and saying "Let's just go. We know we aren't going to get it. Let's not waste a whole Sunday sitting here. That isn't want we had in mind."

By this time one of the sales guys had come and asked me to fill out papers too so they could run my info with my husband's. We told them "Look we are ready to leave please..." The guy was super nice and way more optimistic then we were. He asked kindly "Please wait you have no idea the kinds of things I have seen us do. I promise you will not be disappointed."

So we waited some more. By this time I felt this tug... Pray to me... Ask me...

So I told my husband "Maybe we should pray about this. If we get up and leave right now then we are deciding our fate and not leaving it to God to decide yes or no." So we prayed. We asked God to lead the way. We told him that we wanted whatever his will was in this situation and we weren't going to leave until he said it was time. When we were done we felt renewed... and we waited.

Not 5 minutes after we done... NO JOKE... our happy optimistic sales guy came back to our table with a grin bigger then I have ever seen before. He had asked us what was our interest rate on the vehicle we have now. We told him BAD we still owe TONS on it. He said "Well let me tell you... You won't believe what I am about to show you." He sets down the paper and shows a VERY low single digit interest rate, a payment only $50 more than we already pay a month with only $500 down!!

Ok that we could do. So we told them ok.

YAY we have a new bigger vehicle that fits every need we could ever have with 3 kids and us for YEARS TO COME.

But God's glories don't end there. 

Nope! 

As we are figuring out how can we get this pro dated check to the dealership, since we don't have checks and if we go to our bank it will come directly out now which will not help us, we are talking to our sales guy and the dealership is taking our new vehicle to be detailed.

The sales guys and finance guy are talking amongst themselves and finally it's time to go sign the papers. We go in knowing we have to figure out how to get the $500 pro dated. As we are walking towards the office though to sign our papers our sales guy says "Isn't it great how he (the finance guy) got it to where you don't need anything down and it all stays the same!"

WHAT!!?? Hold on what did you just say!? 

We look at him bewildered and stop in our tracks.

"We couldn't possibly have heard you right. Please repeat that??"

So he did and the finance guy did as well. God worked a HUGE miracle in a way we never thought possible. We were able to be completely financed with NO money down... No pro dated check... with a super low interest rate... and a payment only $50 more than what we were originally paying for a larger vehicle. HOLY MOLY!!

We were so overwhelmed tears were flowing. We could not believe how God had provided. We thanked him.... the sales guys... the finance guy... everyone for all they have helped us with.

Our saying as we were leaving...

Well God... "You threw in the championship just because you could!" ~ Grant Taylor from Facing the Giants

Moral of that story... I (we) know God can work any miracle at anytime in anyway he wants to! 


A month later we still don't have the words to express to God our gratitude for answering a prayer and need in a way that just astounds us.

Which now brings me to our new situation. As I mentioned before our apartment. When our first year was up our property manager never contacted us to resign a lease. We had heard from others around that they haven't been contacted either. That we are now pretty much going month to month. Ok sweet then if we ever find something then we will just give notice and go our merry way.

Well while I was helping my dad we got a letter saying our old management company was no longer taking care of this property. I reminded my husband of an earlier time this year I heard loud and clear from God "Don't make any moves until after your husband's review in April." Ok at the same time though I told my husband "I am sure they will be sending us a new lease to sign." A month and a half has passed and yep they just sent us a new lease to sign.

For a year!! Not something we are wanting to do.

You see we have felt like we are not supposed to make this state home. We have tried with 2 different Realtors to try and find a home here and nothing for us is available. They are wanting us to go higher than our means and use programs we aren't interested in. We have felt we are supposed to buy somewhere else... but where... when!? We have argued how we need to be showing God we are actively taking steps in looking but not making any final decisions without him, but at the same time I have felt I am the only one looking. My husband, because of his work schedule, doesn't get online. So I feel at times as he is just content with where we are at and not proactively trying to get us to a safer/bigger place for our children. Sure I know he says he wants to, but its hard when I don't see him looking or talking to me about anything unless I bring it up first.

So last night when the new lease came I asked "well are you signing it?" He said he doesn't want to. He knows we aren't supposed to stay here, but where? He doesn't want to sign a lease here, but even if we found a house to rent here until God reveals his plans... it is still a lease. So I don't understand it. ???

This brings me to our homeschooling dilemma as well. Due to finances the last 2 years we have used our states Virtual Academy. With that being said, and before daggers start heading our way, we have always seen what the objective for the unit is to be used their papers provided and supplemented resources to teach the lesson on our own. For these past 2 years we have felt a very strong pull that we are supposed to homeschool independently. However in our state to do that I have to take a parent certification course. Which is not cheap. I have had very big reservations about this. I feel like I am not supposed to take this course... That I am not to spend the money on it. Use the money elsewhere. Reason being??

I feel we won't be here, and some of the places we have looked to move to I don't need any certification to independently homeschool our children. 

Because of the miraculous miracle God did with our new vehicle we have been able to skip a car payment... which in turn has provided us with money to afford the curriculum we have been looking at for the next school year. With that money of course we could take out the amount needed for the 6 week course for the certification.

We just don't know what to do?? We are arguing about what steps to take and I don't want to argue. I don't like the feeling. We both know we are to independently homeschool next year. That has been very clear. We both know that God will provide a home we can afford with a yard and the things for our children we feel he is leading us to want for them as well. Does that make sense? But now we are faced with 2 big questions...

Take the certification course just as precaution because we don't know if we will still be here or not, and we want to be legal. Or Two... sign the new lease and stay here another year... Or find a different place to live here (which poses the questions what about job and moving expenses as well).

It all makes my head spin.

I feel like I am just spinning in circles looking for the light.

I am sure it is coming out all jumbled too huh? LOL If you are even still reading this NOVEL of a post.

We have until the 10th of next month to decide if we are signing a new lease or not, and trust me of all people I know that God can make something happen in the blink of an eye.

I don't want to make any haste decisions.

I don't want us to take any steps without a God's neon sign pointing saying THESE ARE MY STEPS TIME TO FOLLOW.

I also know that no matter what he will align all that we would need to move or stay. All the money would come together one way or another. It already has in regards of next years curriculum.

I feel I am trying too hard to answer all these myself and that I am pushing my husband as well. I don't want to do  this. How do I turn off that human nature???

God please help me. Help us. Lead us. Direct us in the way of YOUR WILL. 

Lord please YOUR WILL BE DONE NOT OURS. Where do you want us Lord?? What is your will that you want us to do?? Do you want us to sign the lease? Look for something here in the state we are living in? Do you want us to prepare for somewhere else? Do you want us to sign up for the certification course or just buy the curriculum you have laid on our hearts to buy and prepare for a state where we aren't going to need it? With a new state, if that is your will Lord, What about the closeness and times we get with grandpa here now? The 2 hour drive will not available. The kids love and treasure being able to see grandpa like that, and so does grandpa. Oh Lord my heart aches!! And the amazing doctor's you have provide the children here? So many questions Lord and I know you have all the answers. I am just having a hard time with it all. Please direct Lord and take the pilot seat. I am sorry I have been trying to fly the plane alone all the time. I can not do this alone. Please take the controls. Please help and bring peace with whatever answer and directions you have in mind. Please Lord Please. I just want to follow you and please you. Please Lord take the wheel.

To help with matters... Or confuse matters... However you would like to look at it... This was Today's Reminder from God on our homepage from Two Listeners THIS MORNING...

"Such marvels are unfolding. They only need the watering of a grateful spirit and a loving heart."

What does God have in store for us!? Only he knows... He wrote the script long ago... I guess we shall see what comes to pass.