I aspire...

To be someone better 

Someone nicer

Someone happier

Someone less fearful, doubtful, and insecure 

I aspire to use different terms with my children to enhance their vocabulary and understanding of all things. I aspire to be a better mother... More fun... More loving. I aspire to be smarter. I aspire to be less hurt all the time. I aspire a closer walk with the Lord. I aspire a deeper more real relationship with my husband. I aspire to be a better, nicer, more loving wife.

I am tired of the way I have been feeling and talking lately. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling doubtful and hopeless. I am tired of feeling like my faith has been lost.  I miss the burning bright flame.

I aspire for change in all areas of my life. 

Not because myself feels the need for it... but because I feel deep down God is screaming for it.

I need to say goodbye to the "demons" in my life and go forward, but even typing that it is a hard fact to follow. I have no idea where to begin. I so desperately keep searching and waiting for the bottom to fall out. I keep having the "I'm expecting the worse to happen again so don't get close to me" sendrome. I don't feel happy. All I do is argue.... Say mean things and push as far away as possible.

That is the best way right?

 No and I know that, but I can't seem to stop the anger within. I don't know what it came back from, but it's here and I don't like it. I can't seem to be able to get rid of it... for good. It goes away for a little bit and then it comes right back almost meaner then before. I despise feeling and acting this way. I despise what it does to those around me.

I need change. I need to feel again. I want to feel again. I want to be happy again. Genuinely happy. I haven't been that in such a very long time, and to be honest I am not even sure how to be anymore.

I aspire for change in me