Some days are good and well others...

I love my job.

My job of many hats

But if I can be completely honest for a moment.

Some days I question why.

On those rough days I turn into the mom I have always said I never wanted to be. Heck I don't even want to be around me on those days.

Some days I think the kids (and to be honest me) wake up and leave common sense right there in their beds.

"Ugh but I wanted to..."

"But I don't want to..."

"I just want school to hurry and be done with."

(Oh and the ugh word... the sound... totally makes my skin crawl. Why the sigh? Why the grunt? Why????) 

Well honey so do I, but until you get the lead out of your feet that won't happen.

Of course I don't word it like that... sadly sometimes it is much worse. I sadly let my frustrations get the best of me. I can feel it coming on before I even send the message to my brain to open my jaw and speak.

But it's like it is a mind of its own. No pun intended

I kick and scream inside the whole time as the horrible words come flying out of my mouth. I try desperately to push them back in, and wipe the defeated, crushed look off of her face. I sit in guilt afterwords desperately trying not to fall to my knees screaming how horrible of a mother I am. I beat myself up daily and am in constant prayer seeking God for his help.

His guidance.

Sadly though I normally sit as still and straight faced as Stonewall Jackson trying to get my point across about the importance of having a better attitude towards school in general. Or the importance of actually trying to figure something out even when it seems difficult.

See my daughter is very bright and some things... most things... just click with her and she gets it. Flies through and that's that. Then there are other times... like today, for example, where I asked her to tell me, using the smallest amount of coins possible, how to create certain amounts. She would just instant tears and say "I don't know." She wouldn't even look at the paper or try to write out the coins. She wouldn't even try to think of other ways. She would just sit and cry and stare at me. Talk about getting the blood to boil. All I wanted her to do was show she was trying. She wouldn't even give me that. 

It's times like this I question why I homeschool altogether.

Would she be better off in a real classroom??

I honestly can't answer that. That scares me! I know teaching her at home is the best thing. It's what we feel God wants for our children. To learn the values here and not be in the public school system like that. What I am questioning is would someone else's teaching methods be better for her? Does that make sense? Then there are some days ... ha like yesterday... that out of nowhere she reached out and gave me a hug and said "thanks for being my teacher."

Then a day like today happens... sigh!

She is also on this kick right now of not liking to read. I don't get it. She finds every excuse in the book to not read. I can't stand it. She can read. She would read faster and more proficient if she did it more often like I ask her to do, but I struggle sometimes on how to get that to happen. Especially when sometimes I am in the middle of getting her to then the baby needs changed or things like that.

I think of lot of it could be my needing to work on follow through. Pushing through and not caring how late in the day it takes us, but to be honest I don't want it to last all day either. Oh so many things to pray about... Patience and respect to her being the very top of my list.

Dear Lord, Help me to be the mom you designed me to be. I know this can't be it. I am praying as I take this journey through A Mother's Heart. I will hear God's still small voice leading me in the right way.

I know some days will be better than others. I know that things will get better.

I pray that after she is done riding her stationary bike for PE in 34 mins that she will come back inside with a better attitude, and that I too have one. That we will be able to buckle down and get through this math. We need to accomplish all the other subjects we have ahead of us today. Must.


I want to be better. I know she can do it. I know she knows it. I need to find the balance before I blow my top, if you will. This is vital because I fear I will push my daughter away forever, and that is the farthest thing I want to do. She is my only daughter. I want a close genuine relationship with her. Something I never really had growing up. I want more for her. For us. I fear that what happens sometimes during school or other times... Let's be honest because of my short fuse... will kill or hurt any chances of that. Irreversible damage. I want now, in these young years, to diligently work on it and make change so that is something that doesn't happen. So we can succeed and have a beautiful mother-daughter relationship. (and so that once my boys get older we have a good relationship too)

Lord, I need lots of help!