Day 1

In the last couple days things in my life have shifted if you will. I was gone for about a week for the first in forever my husband was the one left at home. The one to come home to an empty dark house 4 nights in a row until we were able to reunite for Thanksgiving. Knowing this is the first time that my husband will be in an empty house since his affair ended a year and half ago and knowing his past struggles with pornography this worried me. I was doubtful yet honestly what could I do. I gave it to God. Whatever happens happens.

In the last year in a half my husband has made massive strides in turning from any temptation that may come his way. Doing what he can to not dwell on thoughts that could enter any man's head at any given time. Looking the opposite direction while walking W*lma*t near the woman's underwear dept. Very commendable things. Things I haven't really mentioned to him I have noticed for probably one of two reasons really. One... How do you mention something like that to your spouse? Two... I don't want to plant any seeds to later go. Does that make sense at all?

While I was gone I had asked my husband if anything had happened? Any slipping to the parasites of pornography or anything else while I was gone? He said no. I believed him. I mean it's been over a year since any falling and going back to day of sobriety. That's what we call it. It is an addiction right... so when you stay away from that you are working on being sober are you not?

So we reunite and have a great Thanksgiving and start home the next day. Things were going good. I came home though to dirty dishes, unmade bed, and laundry to fold. Please note this is not how I left the house for him. I left notes around the house and ones for his lunch for everyday we were to be apart. The bed was made, the clothes were clean (just one load in the dryer that was dry by the time he came home from work), dishes were done, and I even set up the coffee to run first thing in the morning so he'd have it ready before work. To say I was hurt since he was alone for 3 days would probably be an understatement.

It wasn't until our talk at lunch that I pretty much came unglued on him. I was so hurt. I had been gone helping take care of family to come home to even more mess to clean up. I just wanted to cry, and cry I did after I hung up on him. I didn't know what else to do though. Hold habits die hard... and that is something else I later found out.



That weekend while my husband was at work I was downloading a free template to start adding graphics to when I saw a failed download on my screen. My heart sank. Strangely it wasn't the numbing shaking feeling it used to do when I saw things like that. I didn't understand why... I still don't really, but at the same time I felt utterly crushed. My husband had lied to me once again.

While I was gone my husband had looked up porn and lied about it. A very large argument ensued when I confronted him. I text him a picture of the failed download and laid into him. I was so hurt. I still am really, but I feel I am starting to understand some. Do I excuse what he did... heck no! Have I even told him I forgive him and understand... sadly no. It seems that just tonight I am starting to understand this more.

I believe a lot of my problem has been that I have guarded myself so much from getting hurt that I resort to the hurtful actions I would take in the past. Yelling, name calling, arguing the whole bit. It was the only self defense I have ever known and trusted... Hurt them before they hurt you, or hurt them more then they have hurt you.

A day or two after all of these new events came out my husband told me he was so scared to tell me he had fallen to that temptation while I was gone. He said how can I tell you what I had done after it has been so long? In truth I guess how can you tell someone? I don't know. We have so much to still discuss about all of this. But I have been faced with my own words of not loving like Christ in this situation. Not trusting in Him to heal this and show the way. I have resorted back to how I was before when my husband wasn't a believer and I was strayed.

That's painful but real. I myself was a complete hypocrite with my reaction and how I have been towards my husband with this situation. I have also realized that I have spent so much time in the last year and half evaluating where my husband's heart is that I haven't given mine much thought. With that I don't mean that I don't want to be here because that is so far from the truth. I want to be here, I know God wants me here, and I know that He has great plans for us and our marriage.

This whole "new normal" is so new and unfamiliar I am not sure how to act. What to say... what not to say. I am not sure that my heart in loving my husband and moving forward has really been in it. I have been so guarding in thinking this is going to be tarnished just you wait and see. No I can't enjoy this either because it will come out later it wasn't really just us in your heart, mind or arms. Trust me it is the worst possibly way to live your life. Miserable really. Always on guard. Always prepared for the big fallout you feel is inevitably around the corner. Because really why could anything change?

I know God can change anything He wants. He can heal everything, and nothing is impossible with God. None of that though, as much as I keep repeating that to myself, has unclenched the horrid chains around my heart. Lord knows how bad I want to and trust and enjoy fully again, but that hasn't taken place.

I don't think I have given this a fair chance. I know the Lord will take care of me. He always have. I know He wouldn't fail me now. So now that my husband and I have talked, prayed, and working on a way to strengthen against temptation in any form I begin to work with God on me more. My heart. My actions. My words.

So now I resolve to put my whole heart into everything. As scary as that is for me... I am going to do it. I am going back to letting go and letting God because it appears somewhere along the way I took back over the controls... unknown to me at the time. I want Him back in the pilot seat. I can't do this "alone" anymore.

Instead of worrying how come my husband done something. I am going to do things like the Love Dare on him and so forth.

So today is... Day 1

Lord, hold my hand and guide the way. I know you can heal this, and I feel you want to. I release all control and want you to take the pilot seat once more. I am sorry I allowed self to take control. I know that you will forever take care of me. Please help my eyes to stay open and ears listening to your direction. Every step of the way! Thank you for your guidance and chances. ~Amen